Who I Am With You

Well, it's been a minute since I've been on here which I guess it means it's time to get all my feelings out. I only seem to get on here everyone 5, 6 or 7 months and that's because that's how long it usually takes for me to find a girl i'm interested in... Well this story isn't going to be like a lot of the rest because this one hasn't quite ended yet. I'm not sure if it's going anywhere or not, but I would like to think that there is a chance. I've met and tried to date a lot of really cool girls...But this one, this one is really different. I may have said that about some of the others but this one really is. I don't know how to describe what it is about her and maybe it's because when we first started hanging out I wasn't looking to date her. I just wanted to be friends with her because my emotions were kind of stuck on another girl. But over the last couple weeks, we've been hanging out a little bit, and I don't know how she does it, but she just has this way of sucking me in and making me want to spend more time with her. I didn't even want to go to an Aggie basketball game because I was wanting to spend time with her...she's just incredible and she's a really good girl and she has her head on straight. I just smile when I think about her. The only problem is that i'm thinking too much...I do this every time and it ends up biting me in the butt. It scares me that I'm starting to do this with her! I hate admitting that. It scares me that about already developing feelings for her because all I want to do is spend time with her and I know that's not at the top of her list. Over the last week and a half things have been a little different with her. At first we were talking all the time and hanging out and thats slowly slipping away...at least it feels like it, I don't really know if it is, or if it's just me starting to over think things and make things seem that way. I really don't want to ruin things with her. The person that i've been over the last couple has surprised me. Just the little bit that i've been around her has made me a better person. She makes me want to be better and to work harder, I don't know if i'll ever get the chance to tell her that. I think a lot of that comes from her strength, this girl has been through so much in the last little bit that it just blows my mind how strong she is. She was in a very serious relationship....she was basically engaged to a guy and things just didn't work out. I can't even imagine having to go through something like that. To be in love and to think you've found the person that you're going to spend eternity with just to have it all end. The way she has pushed through that is amazing. I know that experience has made her stronger and i'm sure she's learned a lot and will continue to learn from that, but her strength just inspires me so much to be a better person. To have the faith that she has that even though things didn't work out and to know that God has a plan for her and that she'll be ok.. I just don't even have the words to describe how amazing that is or how that affects me. Just being around her I want to be better. It scares me to think that I may never get to keep hanging out with her and get to know her as well as I would like because of what she's gone through and is going through. I can only hope that she'll let down her wall enough to really give me a chance and see what happens. I know it's scary... it's scary for me too, but sometimes we have to just let go of our fears and see what happens. Yes that makes us vulnerable to getting hurt and pain but it also can do the opposite. Anyway, to end this I just want to play a song that reminds me of her and how I feel when I'm around her. It's by Chris Young and it's called, "who I am With You."

The Next Chapter

     So it's been a while since i've written here and so I guess it's about time to update everyone on what's been going on. and by everyone I mean myself since no one really reads this anyway, it's just time to vent.

     After the last girl I decided I really was just sick of dating and didn't want to do it anymore, I was so tired of all the mind games and being led on and all that, that goes with it. It was just frustrating and and exhausting and needless to say I was just over it all. Of course once you get comfortable things tend to change. I had been fine with being single and not really being interested in anyone and then it happened. I met a really really cool girl. It wasn't love at first sight, in fact at first I thought she was just really cool and would be a really cool friend. But over the next week we kept hanging out and just having a good time together. It was great, I really enjoyed it. There was something really different about her that I had never seen in the other girls I've dated and I think this is what caught me and made me really interested in her. That was that she actually would text me and talk to me first, she would call me and invite me to do stuff with her and I actually felt wanted and appreciated which was something that I had never had before in the other girls that I dated. As we started to hang out things moved pretty fast, I didn't expect them to move that fast at all especially since I wasn't looking for a relationship and I also knew that she would be moving in a month back to school clear on the other side of the country. But as we hung out more and more I couldn't help but develop feeling for her. We had our first kiss which probably also happened a little fast and kind of unexpected for both of us I think. I'm pretty sure this scared her pretty bad, because after that I could tell she felt a little guilty for it happening. As we talked about things she had told me she felt bad because she didn't want to get attached because she knew she would be leaving soon. However after talking a little more we decided to keep dating over the next couple weeks and see what would happen. Over the next couple weeks we grew closer, at least I did and I thought she was growing closer to me. We even spent the weekend at my parents house where she met my family and we went to church on Sunday. Before she met my family I could tell she was worried because I had never taken a girl home to meet my parents before and I could tell she didn't want them to think we were serious. I didn't want them to think we were serious either because we weren't, still this may have no been the best idea. I'm pretty sure this scared the crap out of her and I don't know, I think maybe she just thought it was all moving too fast. In a way I can see that but at the same time I didn't want things to move fast and I didn't want her to think I was trying to make things move fast, I just really wanted to be open with her and let her in my life to see what it was like. I was terrified of bringing her home because I was scared of what she might think of me after and I was scared that she would think that it was a lot more serious than it was. But backing up just a little bit she had been gone during the week to her brothers graduation from dental school and she was flying in saturday. She had asked me to pick her up and that's why we were down in salt lake for the weekend. Anyway, all I know is that when I picked her up from the airport everything just seemed right. She seemed so happy to see me and be with me and I thought to myself, "wow, this is what it's like to actually be wanted by someone." everything about it felt right. We went to dinner and then out on a date and then we spent that night watching a movie and cuddling. For a second I could have sworn that I saw into the future. Everything about this moment is indescribable. I can't say how right everything felt about it and how I couldn't want anything more. I was with someone i was starting to care so much for and it seemed that the feeling was mutual. I could see myself wanting this in a relationship. Then there was one more thing that impressed me more than anything I had ever seen from a girl before. as I was showing her to where she was going to sleep she said she needed to pray and asked me to kneel and say my prayers while she said hers... I was shocked and thought to myself that what more could you want in a girl, not only does she have so many amazing qualities but she has the most important quality of them all and that is her love for God. I couldn't help but think what an amazing example she was to me right then and there and I couldn't help but think what an amazing wife and mother she's going to make. Girls like that don't come a long everyday. After seeing that, I couldn't imagine not getting to know this girl and I found myself wanting her around in my life because someone like her will make you a better a person not only in your everyday life, but in the gospel as well. I think that moment was the closest I have ever come to being in love. I don't know what love is like because I can't say i've never been in love, but i'm sure it was not too far from that. The weekend would only get better the next morning when we went to church together and again I couldn't help but ponder on life and this girl all during sacrament meeting. I know she probably thought I was sleeping the whole time, but how could I with this amazing girl right next to me and thats about where all the happiness ends for me. We had dinner with my family and then we headed back to Logan. As soon as we got in the car I could tell something was different. She was quiet the whole car ride home, I've learned that when a girl is quiet she has lots on her mind and that something is probably bugging her. I tried to hold her hand and nothing this is when I started to get worried. I think that weekend scared her way bad. I don't know if she was scared of the fact that everything seemed to good to be true and that in reality she was falling for me, but was scared that she was moving soon. Maybe it could have been that there were other guys she was talking to, or that she realized I wasn't what she wanted, I really don't know what it was. Over the next few weeks things were just different and not the same, she wasn't texting me as much, she would be in Logan but wouldn't call to hang out and she just seemed to have lost interest. I guess I just wasn't what she was looking for. That's what hurts the most. The fact that everything seemed like it was going good and then it's like a flip switched and she just wasn't interested. I had fallen for her and I couldn't help but want to spend time with her and be with her and get to know her and let her get to know me. I knew she was moving soon but I was and am willing to do whatever I had to, to keep her in my life because I can see the kind of person she is and is going to be. We've talked a little bit since she's moved away and she's said she just wants to be friends which really really sucks for me because I make a terrible friend once i've dated a girl. I just don't know how to be friends with someone like that because I can never get rid of those feelings that I had. Every time we talk, or snapchat or text, my mind always goes back to a couple moments. I think about the time we went to the Brigham city temple and went to watch the sunset after and that's when she told me I gave her butterflies and then I think back to that weekend at my parents house because of the feelings I gained for her that night.I don't think I can ever forget those feelings and that's what makes it so hard to friends with her. She did say when she moved back we could see where things were at and maybe try, but from my experience this is a girls way of saying that she wants to keep you in the friend zone and that way she can keep you around till she gets back and then when she does get back she wont want to try because she's just not interested or because by then you're such good friends that you're basically stuck in the friend zone. So that's kind of how i'm taking this unfortunately. I wish I could believe her and think that she might want to try when she gets back but just from all my bad experiences, I just don't see it working. It hurts to think that that's how it's going to be and it puts me in kind of an awkward situation. I want to trust her and believe what she's saying and that makes me want to wait for her to get back to try it out because I know how amazing she is. At the same time i'm not a trusting person and since i've heard this before I don't want to to wait for her to get back just to say she doesn't want to try with me because she's not interested. I don't know if that makes any sense but it just makes it really hard for me. She's the most amazing person I've ever met and I hope she knows how much I care about it and how much it hurts to lose her. I can only hope and pray that one day she'll give me a chance. I pray for her every night, something i've never done before.. I mean, i've always prayed for my family and loved ones but to actually pray for someone you care about is so much different.I want her to be happy and I wish so bad that I could be the one to make her happy, I wish I could make her laugh everyday and see her smile. She has one of the most amazing smiles I've ever seen. And I wish I could give her those butterflies she once felt with me. I hope one day she wont be scared or that she'll trust in me enough to face her fears with and that I can face my fears with her. I don't feel so scared when i'm with her and everything in the world just seems right. She makes me a better person, more trusting and loyal and true, but most importantly she makes me more faithful in life and the gospel. Now you all can see why it's so hard to lose this girl. She's just so perfect, and while she may think she has many flaws, I think her flaws are beautiful and and I would take her flaws over anything else in this world. And so now you all can see how lonely and lost I am, this were all the reasons I stopped dating in the first place, I always end up hurt and it sucks to lose someone you have grown to care about.

she's like a tall glass of lemonade

I don't even know where to start, it's been so long since i've written anything. I guess I've been so busy that I just haven't wanted to, and I think a part of me just hasn't wanted to because it's not like anyone really reads this. It's more just a way for me to get all my feeling out there and hoping that it helps. Which it does but sometimes it would just be nice to have someone that I can really count on to talk and get advice from. It's been almost a year since i've done anything on here and so much has happened and life has just been a roller coaster, full of it's ups and downs and all the twists and turns. I just never know what to expect anymore. You would think I would think that I would start learning and seeing how things work but really I keep making the same mistakes over and over and when it comes to girls...they just don't change. I fall for a girl and it's always the same thing and I just don't learn. My real problem is that I just care about people way to much, I let people in easily and I would do anything for people even if they wouldn't for me. It allows people to walk all over me and take advantage of me but most of all it just allows me to be hurt really easily. When I fall for someone I fall hard, I don't know any other way into a relationship of any kind (whether its dating or just friends) than to go all out, give it everything I have in hope that people will do the same. I think one of the problems with the world today is that when people find something good they let it go because it scares them. I think people don't want to let a good thing in because they're scared of losing it and they're scared it'll hurt when and if they do. That is really one of the things that I can think of and hope for. I hope people don't want to be with me or date me because they're scared of how well they're treated and scared of losing that. I just wish I could find someone brave enough to grab on and embrace it and let me treat them right. I don't know, maybe i'm completely blind and I just have a million things wrong with me that I can't see. But I am tired of being told that I am good enough and then having them say but I don't want to date you.....It just doesn't make sense, how could be with the person that has everything you want and not want to be with them!! Fear...That's the only thing that comes to mind. I don't know, maybe it's fear of the unknown, fear of getting hurt, or the fear of actually falling in love. Maybe we think we're too young or too old or not ready and all those things scare us. But we have to be willing to take a chance when something good comes into our life.I know I get scared a lot with certain people so I back away and then a few months later I'm kicking myself in the butt because I let a good thing slip away and I wish I hadn't. For the first time in my life i'm facing a fear of mine. I've been hanging out with a girl and the more I hang out with her the more I care about her. She told me that she wasn't exactly looking to steady date which usually means she's just not interested. With her something feels different though. She said she still wants to talk and still hang out and go out and do things with each other. Usually when I hear this i'm just like ok i'm done with this, i'm not even going to try. But for some reason I couldn't do that with her. So I put my fears aside and I told her to go out and date other people, for the first time probably ever, i'm putting my faith in things and letting her go off and do her own thing and date other guys, and I can only hope that when she does go out and date that she might see qualities in me that these other guys are missing and I can only hope that it'll make her want to spend more time with me. I don't want to rush into anything, I'm not looking to get super serious super fast, all I know is that when I spend time with her, I can't stop smiling, my heart races and everything just feels good. I don't know that I'll ever be able to tell her those things which kind of sucks to think about but all I know is that I love that feeling and I just don't want it to end too soon. She's probably getting sick of me asking her to hang out all the time ha but can you blame me when I get those type of feelings when i'm with her? It's just weird, i've never been so honest and open with anyone either...obviously I'm not a big talker and there's probably a lot I haven't said but I have been more open than I usually am with people, it makes me feel very very vulnerable and it's not really something I like doing but it just happens with her. Anyway.....I should probably get going to bed, it's late and I've done enough rambling and I've probably said a whole lot more than I should've. So until next time, hopefully it wont be another year and hopefully things will just keep getting better. You just gotta keep looking ahead with faith and hoping for the best.

She's just not that in to you.

I should be going to sleep right now, but I can't. I just have too many things on my mind and it's frustrating that it's just the same things over and over. I've been doing a little thinking tonight since I had so much free time at work and I've been thinking about this girl and what to do with her. The conclusion that I've come to is that all the signs are there that she's not interested but wants to keep me there maybe as a "back up plan." So here's what I see.... First, the only time she talks to me is if I talk to her first, she wont go out of her way to talk to me, but after I do start a conversation with her she will continue to talk to me and wont just end and she wont be short with me. If she was interested she would probably text me once in a while, but since she wants to keep me around just in case she'll carry a conversation with me. Second, she'll say little things to keep my hopes up. unfortunately this always works and makes me think i'll have a chance. The other week I did something nice for and so she text me to say thank you and during the conversation she said, "when will I see you again?" making it sound like she really did want to see me again. but does she really? I don't think she really does, I think she was just saying that because I did something nice for her and so she said that as a way of making it up to me I guess you could say. I think deep down she doesn't really care to see me, I mean think if I happened to be around she might be ok with seeing me or hanging out, but once again she's not going to go out of her way to do it, she'll just do what's convenient for her, but like I said she'll do enough to keep me around thinking she wants to see me when in reality it's not a big deal. 3rd I know things have been on the rocks with her ex boyfriend but it seems like they're going to be patching things up. Which I don't understand why girls keep going back to these stupid guys that treat them like crap. Girls now days do not know how to get over a guy and move on. It seems like every time I hear about anyone breaking up, they're back together the next week no matter how unhappy they are with each other. I've had friends who have called me to talk to me and get advice when they've broken up with their boyfriends and they'll tell me things like, "I prayed about it and I just know it's not right and we're not meant to be together." I think ok, they finally get it but then the next week they're back with the guy.....It just blows my mind how you can receive such a firm answer and you just ignore it. They go back thinking that things will be better this time around....guess what ladies if he's treated you like crap the last 4 or 5 times, he's NOT going to just change the 6th or 7th or 8th, or even 100th time. So ladies, I know guys aren't perfect either we do stupid things too that you like to complain about but I honestly feel like that is one of the biggest problems in today's world. If you leave a guy, don't be scared to move on and be with someone else. I know it hurts, but it's never going to get better if you don't put yourself out there with someone else, you're just going to dwell on the stupid guy and then that will make you miss him and then you'll want to go back to him. You're holding yourself back when you do this, girls please learn to leave them in the past and move on...I know easier said than done, but really for a guy it's very annoying and frustrating to have you not see what's happening and have you get hurt over and over by the same person. Sometimes you just need to give someone else a chance that has been around and maybe it'll open up your eyes. I don't really know what else to say about that, I think that was probably my biggest point, get over him and move on. But yes like I was saying I think she's getting back with this guy which from the things I have heard would be a huge mistake, but we're not really close enough where I can talk to her about and see what she's thinking. If I were to try and talk to her about it, it would just sound like I was trying to convince her to not be with him so that she could be with me which is the the reason I would do it. I would do it because I don't want to see her keep making that mistake but unfortunately I can't do that. So there you have it, the 3 reasons she has shown me she's really not all that in to me. It just really sucks to think about because after that first night I spent with her, I was just so happy and I was grinning from ear to ear and every time I see her, or I'm with her that's what happens to me, I just smile and I can't help but notice how happy I am when I'm spending time with her, But like I said that girls have trouble moving on, maybe I do to and I think I do need to try and put this in the past and just move on and let things be, It sucks knowing that something that makes you happy wont be around or be part of you're life so that hurts and I don't think anyone likes to take something out of their life but I think sometimes we have to take step back so that we can move forward or take some happiness out of our life so that we can receive even more happiness when it comes into our lives. I just hope I don't have to wait as long for the next girl to come around because it doesn't seem to happen very often for me. So to this amazing girl, I think I need to put you in the past, I get that you're just not interested. I wish you would have just told me so I would have had so many sleepless nights wondering what you thought or how you felt, but I think your signs are pretty clear, so I give up, I'm not going to try anymore. They say that you need to fight for the things you want, so I fought. They say girls build up walls to see if you're willing to climb them, I was willing but if you keep building while i'm climbing i'll never be able to reach the top and show you. It hurts, but I think it'll be best, Maybe once i'm out of your life, you'll realize that just maybe there was something you missed out on and you'll give me a chance, but until then I can't keep putting forth all this effort if you're not willing to put any in.

I'm falling for her

I don't know how she does it....every time I talk to her I get these little butterflies in my stomach. She makes me feel like I'm back in high school and the worst part is, is that without even trying she gets me to open up to her. I really hate this and i'm pretty much setting myself up here. I'm not the kind of person that likes to open up to people, I like to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. I guess she just has this charm about that when she asks me something I feel like I can just tell her anything. I'm going to be honest, this scares the CRAP out of me! I don't want to be this open with her and have her not be interested in. She shows glimpses of interest then other times I feel like she's not at all. I don't want someone that I barely know to know all these things about especially if it doesn't mean anything to them. I know that you can't get anywhere without putting you're heart out there but I've just never felt so vulnerable in my life, and I don't know what it is about her. No matter how much I try to talk myself out of not opening up or not feeling a certain way all it takes is a simple little conversation and she's in total control. At the same time it's never felt so good to just be completely open and honest with someone, can you see where I'm having these mixed feelings? I don't know that i've really ever felt this way about someone and I can't stop thinking about her. All I want to do is be able to see her and spend time with her. It's scary knowing she probably doesn't feel that way. I'm trying to be optimistic and patient and letting life run it's course and I hope and pray that things work out for the best, but I can't help but think about how badly I want things to work out for me for once.  Maybe it's just has to do with Valentines day as I saw all these couples together and all these guys buying flowers for their girls and maybe it just made me want it that much more that I am know over thinking things again. All I know is that this girl has tripped me and I'm falling for her, whether she knows it or not and whether or not she's falling for me, at the end of the day all I know is that she's special and she puts the biggest smile on my face. She's someone I can see myself growing close to and someone I want to continue to get to know. At the end of the day all I know is that i'm falling for her.

The real reason

I'm going to let everyone in on a little secret today... But first anyone that really knows me, knows that I really don't like celebrating my birthday. Many people ask me why and I tell them it's because I don't like all the attention on me. But also if you really know me then you probably know that lots of times I really love to be the center of attention, so how is it that I hate being the center of attention on my birthday? Well here comes the truth, I actually don't mind being the center of attention on my birthday, the thing I don't like about my birthday is not having someone to celebrate it with, and I'm not talking friends or family because they all love to go out and celebrate i'm talking someone special that I can share moments like this with, someone that I can make memories with. The truth is, is that when I go out to celebrate with all my friends or family it really just makes me feel extra lonely knowing that I don't have someone to celebrate special moments like that with. That's the real reason I don't like my birthday....right now. I'm sure one day when I have someone to celebrate with then I wont dislike my birthday so much, I really just hate going out and seeing all my friends with someone and I know they're all there for me to celebrate me, but it really does just make me feel more lonely. Of course that's not something you go around telling your friends, so for now, everyone will just continue to think that I don't like being the center of attention and only the select few of you that read this will know the truth and I hope to be able to share this secret with someone special one day and she can know how happy she makes me to have her in my life and to be able to share special moments with her. So there it is, my secret. My real reason for not liking to celebrate my birthday.....for now.

Letting go is never easy

I really really don't get it. They say things always get worse before they get better. I feel things always get worse then kind of even out then they get worse again but I don't feel like things actually get, "better." I just don't understand and it's very frustrating. I've been trying to date this girl, and it's going through the exact same motion that i've already gone through a million different times with any other girl. I took her on a date last week and just had an absolute blast! In person I have so much fun with her and it feels like she's having fun with me. But then as soon as the date ends then I don't hear from her or I try to talk to her and she's short with me and then she starts to bail on me when you ask her to do something, I just hate that I can go out with these girls and have so much fun and start to really enjoy being around them and then have them just put me on the back burner like it's no big deal, and I just don't get why would you go out with someone if you have no interest in them? Are girls really that shallow that they'll go out with someone because they want a free meal or because the date sounds fun but they really don't want to spend time with that person. I feel like it's very rude. If you're not interested in me then tell me so I can take someone else out on a date that might actually want to spend time with me. It just really sucks and I know i've said that probably about a million times but I just don't know how else to describe it. I go out on dates with these girls and I feel like it's because they want to spend time with me and get to know me and they always seem to be so fun that I start to like them. It makes me feel like for once, things are finally going my way and working out and then it's like NOOOOOOPE!! gotch ya again. I fall for it every single time. I swear every time it hurts worse too. I think it's because i'm getting older and I am to the point where i'm looking for something and just to have things not work out again, it just gets more and more painful. Just once I would like for things to go my way. I know know I always complain about this and everyone has heard it a million times and i'm not looking for sympathy or anything....I just, I dunno, it is what it is I guess. I guess I just need to have more faith that things are working out the way they're suppose to and I just need to believe that things will work out for the best even tho for the moment they don't feel like it. I just need to have a more positive attitude on life in general and realize how much I do have and that there really are so many people that love and care about me and I just need to remember that.