Sometimes we don't understand.

At the very first of summer I met a very special person. As I got to know her she was someone I could see myself dating and spending time with. She is probably the first maybe the 2nd person I can honestly say I have had feelings for. Anyway after all summer it finally became obvious to me that she wanted to be nothing more than friends. She had just gotten out of a bad relationship and didn't want to be in another one, also she would be moving away after being here for such a short period of time. Even though I knew all she wanted to be was friends, every time I saw her, that smile, heard her laugh talked to her I couldn't help but like her a little bit more. It made it very difficult to hang out with her because I knew that I wasn't what she wanted. I think one of the hardest things in this lifetime is to want and feel things for someone knowing they don't feel the same. Two weeks ago I had the opportunity to take her to the airport. she would be gone visiting a friend for 2 weeks then coming back to logan. Over those 2 weeks I really focused on getting over my feelings, and I thought I had after 2 weeks. I honestly thought I had moved on. Then today happened. Today I picked her up from the airport and we had a drive back to logan and all those feelings I once had from her came rushing back. I tried to put it out of my mind and just move on. But it's easier said than done I guess. As she left my apartment a few minutes ago to head back to Washington, I couldn't help but think about so many different things like, what could've been, how many heart breaks do I have to go through, how many times and for how long am I gunna feel this lonely inside. Is there really someone out there that will make me happy and feel the same way about me that I feel about them.  I couldn't help but cry a little as she left knowing that now it's really over. I'll probably never see her again. I'll never get to spend time with her or just talk to her again. At least not face to face. Now I can't help but wonder how long it'll take before the next girl comes along into my life that I feel this way for. I know that when it comes to girls I'm very picky. That's one of the reasons i've never been in a real relationship before. It seems that all the girls I end up really liking, never feel the same way, they don't even wanna give it a chance. they've all been hurt so many times that they're scared. In a song by Junior Maile called persuade he talks about persuading a girl to take a chance on him and says...."Girl you said to me, that you've been hurt too many times before to be the victim of another man who does not see the gift that you are girl I promise that I can see. It's so hard for me to understand how anyone could be that way, to someone as incredible in every way, your beauty runs further and deeper than they can see. Girl I promise you love and affection, i'll be your comfort i'll be your protection, i'll give you strength when you're weak and I"ll listen when you speak girl. And girl I promise i'll never mislead you, i'll never cheat you i'll never mistreat you, i'll give you strength when you're weak and i'll listen when you speak girl, so tell me how can I persuade you to come with me and place your trust in me, tell me how can I persuade you to come with me, i'll give you everything." I feel like this song describes me perfectly because I always find these amazing girls that I would do anything for, yet they're scared or still hurt, or can't stop thinking about the last guy they dated and how much they want to be with him. I know how hard it is to move on, but if we don't take a chance and move on we might miss out on something that could be incredible. Yes this girl was amazing for me but now I have to move on because I don't wanna miss out on anything. it reminds me of a quote that says, "When one door closes another door opens, but sometimes we spend so much time looking at the door that has closed that we don't see the other one that has opened." Sometimes we don't understand why things don't work out best for us. I'm definitely one of these people. But I know I just need to have faith that God has a better plan for me, that he has someone out there just waiting for me and looking for me, he's just waiting for the right time to put her in my path. I hope this doesn't sound like oh I wanna get married right now because that is definitely not it. Marriage will happen when it happens. I'm not looking to get married right now, but I am looking to date. I want someone that I can spend and share moments with, someone that will always be there for me. even someone I can argue with sometimes. I don't think anyone wants or likes to be lonely and I feel as tho i've been lonely for far too long. I never had a relationship through high school because I was having to much fun dating around and being single plus I knew I was going to go on a mission and didn't want to leave a girl behind for 2 years. But now that i'm back and looking to date it seems as though girls don't want to. It's like girls have become more worried about school and work and careers and being with their friends that they could really care less about dating. Maybe I'm the problem, If I am though I wouldn't even know where to start with what I need to change. I try to always treat a girl with respect. I try to be funny, I try to be myself and those are things I can't just change. I just struggle with being my normal crazy self when i'm around a girl I like, I don't want to do anything stupid in front of her to make her think I'm stupid so I'm a lot more reserved at first when i'm around a girl I could see myself liking. That is something I could definitely work on, it wont be easy but I know it needs to happen. Anyway enough rambling.
I want to thank this girl I was talking about for an unforgettable summer and for the lessons you taught me. It sucks to lose you and knowing some other guy will make you happy, I hope you find him and that you're the happiest person ever. I hope you know you can always come to me if you ever need anything and that i'll always be here for you.
And to the next girl I fall for next lol. I hope you're willing to take a chance on me. Even if you've been hurt before, let me show you something new. Let me be there for you, let me make you laugh and let me tell you how beautiful and amazing you are every day. Even if you don't live close by. If you're willing to take a chance on me i'm willing to take a chance on you and drive as far as I have to so that I can visit you and spend time with you...........LOL that sounded really pathetic and desperate I'm really not desperate...pathetic maybe haha but not desperate but I really do mean those things I said. But enough crying and ranting and being dumb I need to go get my mind off things, I'm out!!