the road to becoming a man starts now.

Aright it's been a minute since I last wrote in here and I guess life for the most part has been going pretty good. Not great but not bad either, I guess that's why I haven't really had anything to say. Anyway this last weekend was thanksgiving and it was a great weekend but also a pretty down weekend.  It was so good because I love going home and knowing my parents love me and can't wait to see me. It also always feels so right just going back to the place a grew up, it always gives me feelings that everything is good and that it's going to work out. I also get to see almost all my friends that I haven't seen in a bit and it's always good to catch up with them. Also while I was home I went through a bunch of my mission stuff and it just reminded me of how much I have to be thankful for and how much us as american's take for granted. But now comes the bad. Going home reminds me that things change, that people change and that life is well....just that it's life and things happen that we can't control all of them. While I was home, like I said I was going through mission things and while I was remembering all those good experiences I had, while I read through the names of all those people I taught and baptized, while I looked through pictures of some of the greatest most sacred moments of my life that no one will ever understand, I realized how happy I was then and how much I had grown. I also realized that I've taken steps backwards since then. I'm not that same person I came to be on my mission and I realized that that among other things is why I'm not as happy as I should be. I think about those people I taught and baptized and wonder what would they think of me if they saw how I was living now? Now don't get me wrong I don't think i'm a terrible person or anything and I don't do anything that bad, I just know I am capable of doing so much more and being a much better person. That was part of the bad experience, another bad part about going home was that I feel like I'm being left behind. Most of my friends I didn't get to see because they were too busy with their girlfriends and already had plans and it just didn't work out. So as all my friends move on with their lives in school and work and relationships I can't help but feel like i'm stuck and I'm not moving forward. They all seemed to just be in and out of relationships till they found the right girls and then there's me who can't even get in one. It just sucks knowing that everything is working out for everyone else and feeling like nothing is working out for you. it makes you feel so lonely. It doesn't help driving back to school and having no one here waiting for me, no one excited to see me, no one that missed me or that I could miss. It's hard going to bed knowing no one else is there by your side and when you wake up, still no one is going to be there, and that during the next day, you're going to see all kinds of people holding hands, cute couples spending time together and then there's you, just sitting and watching and wondering. Going home reminds me of that loneliness that desire to have something more in your life so you don't have to face things alone. Anyway while I was home I went to visit my grandparents graves to visit and look for guidance. They were always there for me while they were alive and I know that they'll always be there to help guide me when I need it. As I sat there talking with them and telling them about life and just everything that's going on in my life, from work to school to girls to sports to my dreams and passions and even my mistakes and shortcomings. I realized it was time that I make a change and become a better person. A more optimistic person and just a better person in general. I told them I would try not to worry about life so much and just enjoy the moments I have. Like I said it was a great thanksgiving to remind me of things i'm thankful for. I'm grateful when I have these down challenging times because it always helps me put life in perspective and make changes to that I can be a better person. I have so much to be thankful for this holiday season and to end I just want to mention some of those things. First of all my parents. They have put up with so much from me, yet they continue to love me and teach me. My brothers, they're the 2 best examples in my life and I couldn't be more proud of them and the things they've done with their lives, I just hope one day I can be just like them. Also my friends have to fall under this category I wouldn't be who I am today without them and they've played a big role in shaping my life. The Atonement and the opportunity I have to be a better person every single day because of it. I'm grateful for the hard times in life, my trials. Because of them I know what I want in life and how to overcome it. I'm grateful for the dreams I have, they keep me going when everyone else just laughs, when everyone else thinks it can't be done. For my will, my passion, my desire to be the very best person I can be, and to one day be the best husband and father I can be. Now I know like usual my thoughts are kind of scattered and unorganized and some of this probably wont make sense to anyone, but most importantly it makes sense to make and i'm grateful that I started doing this so I can remember my feelings and see my progress.