Starting off 2012 on a not so good note.

This holiday season was probably the worst holiday season I've ever had for so many reasons that I don't even know where to start. So let's just make a list of everything that went wrong this holiday season shall we. Let's with anytime there is a holiday my family all gets together, I usually love this but this year it was different. In my family I am right in the middle of all the cousins, I have cousins who start at 3 years older than me and continually get older, then I have cousins that range from 10 and under. Well this year back in August my brother got married which left me as basically the only single person in the family excluding the little kids. So every time my family gets together I use to be able to just hang out with my brother and there was always someone there....not this year, he now fits in with the married couples which kinda left me by myself. So even though I had family all around me, it was pretty lonely. all the married couples would hang out, and all the little kids would hang out which left me, just kinda there. Too make things worse some of the younger couples kinda joked about how I would fit in better if I would just get married. I don't get it, they've been in my shoes they know how hard and stupid dating can be, they also use to hate when people would give them crap about dating so why would they do the same thing. it's so annoying and I hate hearing about it especially from them who not too long ago were in the same position.
Next the whole weekend I was home for christmas I was stuck hanging out with my brother and his wife. My little brother is in a mission so it's not like I could just get away form them and go hang out with him. Anyway my brother and his wife are still in the huge lovey dovey stage where they're always kissing always having to be around and touch each other and it's so freaking annoying, I hate that I couldn't escape it. All weekend long my brothers wife kept saying, "Jake go get married so I have someone to talk to." I sat there thinking are you serious? you fit right in with all the married couples if anything it's me that needs someone to talk to.
Anyway Christmas morning comes and people are opening presents having a good time and I open my brothers present. In it is 2 tickets to a jazz game and my brother says, "this present comes with one condition...you have to take a date." Oh my hell! why is everyone forcing all this dating/marriage stuff down my throat. You know when someone tries to force something on you it just makes you hate it more and more? yeah well that is exactly what's happening with dating and marriage. Someone please shoot me.
So after a few days I made a post on facebook about the present my brother gave me and his comment and of course the girl that I use to really like made a comment and said take me to the game. So I text her and told her I didn't think she would be in town so I probably couldn't take her. After talking I found out she would be in town and told her maybe we would have to figure something out and maybe I would take her. I really wanted to, but I don't think I can. I feel so used by her and it makes me so mad. she doesn't talk to me for weeks at a time and then she knows by making one little comment on my facebook that i'll talk to her. I'm her "security blanket" she keeps coming back when she wants something but will never ever make an effort to do anything for me. About a month ago we talked about maybe dating when she came back and she said she would make an effort too in the relationship well about 3 weeks went by before I talked to her after that. and then that is when she made the comment about me taking her to the Jazz game. it's like she likes going places with me and wants to do fun things, but doesn't really see it going anywhere but she knows I like her and will do things for her and it's things she wants to do so she keeps leading me on thinking maybe things will work out when they never will. I remember when I first met her and we started getting close she said let's take things slow so I thought ok she's serious, nah things never went anywhere and she moved away and didn't talk to me for months and now that she's coming back she's almost acting like nothing ever happened and that things are just going to pick back up where we left off. Well I'm not going to let happen, I'm going to have to move on because I don't want to be stuck in that kind of situation just until she finds someone she really wants to be with and just leaves me, so I think i'll save myself some heartbreak and just not talk to her anymore. SO that's been on my mind a lot the last few weeks and it drives me crazy because I can't help how I feel for her but at the same time now I see what has been going on and I can't let myself be used that way. There is also a little bit more to this story but it's so much to talk about that I'm not really in the mood to type it all out. I think it would take way too long.
Last but not least I was in Wendover for New years. It was a bad night, I lost money and it was good being with friends but guess what, at that stroke of midnight I got another dose of that whole dating thing being shoved down my throat as I looked around and saw all those couples kissing and having a good time making memories together. On the 2 hour bus ride home I couldn't sleep and it gave me a lot to think about. Just how lonely my life actually is. I have my little group of friends in Logan but outside of that what do I have? friends that I never talk to anymore, friends that I never do stuff with anymore. No girls, no dating, no relationship and I just realized actually how much is missing from my life. I thought about how people get in and out of relationships all the time and how I can't even get into one. I thought about all the times I've been called the nice guy the great guy or the awesome guy. I've thought about how many people have asked how am I not dating anyone and it really just makes me wonder, what I could do different or what I need to change. I just......I don't know. Gotta figure things out I guess. but I'm glad 2011 is over and I'm not so glad 2012 has started especially with how it started i'm just not really looking forward to this year right now, wish I could just escape and start all over, that would probably be the best thing for me right now. I'm not usually this down and I guess i'm pretty good at putting on a good face for everyone around but I don't think people really understand what's going on inside. Just how lonely my life really is. It may not seem like it with all the things I do, but it really is kinda lonely at times. But I just had to get all that off my chest especially after the bus ride from last night where it was just constantly on my mind and I just needed to get it out there. Here's to hoping it works.