back from hawaii.....back to the same spot.

I never know how to start these off......It always makes me feel kind of dumb, oh well I guess. Well this last week I spent in Hawaii, it was great, being out in the sun getting tan, meeting all kinds of new random people I loved it. The best part was being able to see one of my best friends be sealed in the Laie, Hawaii temple with his wife what a great experience....I was so happy for him and it was just a great time. But at the same time it leaves me wondering, when are things finally going to fall into place for me. I guess maybe I'm just looking to hard and putting to much pressure on myself and just not having enough fun. I spent some time on the beach with a good friend of mine and that was something that she told me..I think she was right. I just need to loosen up and be more out going and not so serious about things. But at the same time it's just hard when things seem to be working out for everyone else and not for you. It seems like everyone else can get in and out of relationships so fast. I mean they get in one and date for a few months and things don't work out then a few weeks later they've got someone else and I just don't understand how it works.....I can't even get into 1! I guess maybe I'm doing something wrong. It's so frustrating. It was nice to be in Hawaii for the week and just to not have my mind on any of that and just to relax and enjoy my time there. But of course the second I got home everything changed. my brother and my parents wouldn't stop talking about dating, I found out a girl I really liked and kind of had a thing with is engaged, and it honestly pisses me off...not that she's engaged or not that it's not to me, but it's more about how she treated me and just completely led me on, and just like that she's engaged. How can things work out so well for people like that. They just treat people like crap and they get everything they want. Then here I am trying to do what's right, trying my hardest to live the things I was taught yet, it still doesn't work out. I guess I just don't feel like I really belong here in Logan, which leaves me completely clueless as to where I do belong, I don't belong at home, I no longer have friends there, if I moved home I would probably turn into one of those guys that lives with mom and dad forever. I don't feel like I belong in Logan but I know how important school is and I feel like I need to finish it. and so I guess i'm just more stuck then I've ever been and I have no idea what direction I need to go. I'm trying and trying to pray for answers and I just don't feel like i'm being pointed in any specific direction. My whole life I've felt like I knew where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do and where I should be and now that I don't it's a whole new experience and i'm more lost and confused and I just don't understand why all these things are happening at once. Things were so good on my vacation and as soon as I stepped in the airport things just felt so wrong, I knew I had to come back home, back to this feeling of loneliness, this feeling of i'm not quite good enough for anyone or anything. I went over to a friends house tonight and all her and her roomates could talk about were all these amazingly hot guys and how much they love them and stuff and it just really makes me feel not so great. and that's just kind of the feeling I have in logan. "Hey jake you're an awesome guy and all but these are the type of guys girls want and you're just not quite there. We love hanging out with you cuz you're fun but you're just not like these guys." that's the feeling I get I guess. I know I've probably said all this stuff a million times but I'm seriously to the point where I just don't know what to do any more. I just don't want to get out of bed because I don't feel like it's worth it. No matter how much I stand in the same place...it's a like a car that gets stuck in the mud, no matter how much you push the gas you don't move, in fact the more you push on the gas or try to get out, the more stuck you get. ugh I hate these feelings, I don't know what's happening to me, I use to be so happy and carefree I need to get back to that person. Somehow that's who I need to become.