Tuesday, January 17, 2012
This just in
So tonight I took the new girl cookies. She invited me in and we talked for 45 minutes or so before I left. She's pretty down to earth and she's just easy to talk to. I think I like her. Unfortunately I think I'm headed for the friend zone. She sounded like she maybe wanted to hang out again in the near future, guess we'll just have to play it by ear to see what happens. That's all I got for tonight.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Here's to moving up and moving on.
Well i'm up and can't sleep and I've got things running through my mind so I guess it's best to just start writing and see if I can say everything that I'm thinking about. There's just so much going on up there in my brain I don't really know what will come out tonight. I guess to start off school has started back up and this first week has been really good. I'm really looking forward to this semester and the classes I'm taking. It's stuff I'm actually interested and for the first time probably in my life, I don't mind going to class and I kind of look forward to it.
Next up, stupid girl. that's what I'm going to refer to her as. I'm done with her. I'm no longer worrying about her or caring about because I can finally see she doesn't worry or care about me. I can see how much she has used me and I just don't need that in my life and I don't want it in my life. So she's out of the picture I could care less if I ever heard from her or saw her again. But I have to be grateful that I met her. Although at first it was hard to not have her like me or show much interest in me even though I really wanted to be with her, she has showed me exactly what I don't want in a relationship and she has taught me that I should be treated just as well as treat the girl. Things don't go just one way. I also learned from her that in a relationship there has to be communication. Every time I was around her it was me listening to her talk about her life. She never asked me questions or showed and sign of interest in my life. I want to be with someone I can talk to and have a real conversation with. I don't want to sit and hear about you you you. Don't get me wrong I love getting to know someone and learning about them but after months and we can't even have a conversation and it's just you talking, sorry that don't fly with me. So even though I don't want to admit it, I know I learned things from her and I hope I can take those things I learned and apply them into any kind of relationship.
"the new girl," I haven't talked about her much but she's been on my mind quite a bit. So here's the situation. I went on a date with this girl right before Christmas break. She had finals the next day but was still willing to make some time for me. So this is a sign of interest right? Well this girl comes back from Christmas break and I find out she's in kind of an open relationship....I think, I'm still not completely positive about this. But I know she's kind of dating someone and she seems to really like him. The problem is, is that it's a long distance relationship. Well I didn't talk to her much over Christmas break because she didn't seem to be too interested and I was ok with that because I figured she would be busy with family and stuff anyway. Sooooo now that we're back in school and stuff I don't know if I should try and ask her out again. Because I don't know exactly what's going on with this other guy and I don't want to let her just use for free dinners and stuff if she's really not interested, but at the same time I feel like if she really got to know me then who knows maybe I would have a chance and she would be a little more interested in me seeing as how i'm close and he's well, not so close. So I'm kind of stuck in limbo land with her and I don't know whether or not I should just drop it and move on or try and give it a shot. The hard thing is, is on our date, all we did was go to dinner because she didn't have that much, but in this hour and a half at dinner, we sat and just talked and it was awkward at all and the conversation just had this flow to it and I just had a really good time. I didn't think it was that possibly to sit at dinner with a complete stranger not knowing anything about them and just love to be in their company. It just felt so normal to sit and talk with her and I didn't care about what else was going on and I really was just enjoying being in the moment which doesn't happen to often, which is why I know she's a pretty special person. From that one date she had so many more qualities than the stupid girl ever did in the whole time that I knew her and that just made me like her that much more. I guess the only thing that scares me is rejection. No one likes to be rejected and so knowing she is kind of dating someone kind of gives me the feeling that she's going to reject me, so that is the one thing that is keeping me from asking her out. But I think I might tomorrow, guess we'll just have to see how things go.
Over the last couple weeks there have been things going on between some of my friends and not really in my family but kind of that have really made me sit down and think. It has made me think that even though many time the nice guys get overlooked by girls and that girls always want bad guys, that i'm very grateful my parents have taught me to be respectful of women. Growing up my parents never fought or argued, my dad never raised his voice at my mom and has treated her with nothing but the uttermost respect. I think when it comes to relationships and families, that's exactly how it should be. It's just something I know lots of families wish they had and I hope I can carry that on into my relationships. I never want to yell at her or fight with her. that's no fun. Of course there are always little arguments or disagreements, but it's not that can't be overcome. So I'm just really grateful for my dad and the example he has set for me on how to treat women. He didn't only teach me and tell me about what I need to do, but he showed it to me through his example and I hope he knows that he's my hero and that if I can be half the man that he is then i'll be a happy man. He's always done the right thing regardless of what the world says. I know he's not perfect and that we have our differences but he and my mom have been the best thing in my life.
The last thing I think I want to talk about is my little brother Cam who is in Mexico serving a mission. He's just been the greatest example to me and has reminded me of so many things. He'll be home in 2 short months and I hope he takes every moment and enjoys it. I don't talk about my mission much for a few reasons, 1st, it has been by far the most sacred experience of my life, and 2, most guys use their missions to try and get girls and that's just really annoying. Don't get me wrong though, if you ask about my mission i'll tell you all about it. I could tell you about it all night and day if you want. I don't mind talking about it if people ask but i'm not going to go parading around sharing things that mean the world to me that other people really wont understand or care about. But I just want say a quick something about my mission and it's just been on my mind since I just got done writing my little brother. The mission was easily the best 2 years of my life. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about it, or wish I could be back there. I miss everything about it, the people, the food, the smells, the language, the traditions, the country, the culture. I could go on and on. It's just in that 2 years, I learned so much and I grew even more, but it's hard because no one will ever understand that things I wont through, the hardships, the joy, the feelings I had. The experiences I had. I could tell people all about it but they would never understand. I can't make you feel the feelings I felt when I got to see a family I taught and get baptized get sealed in the temple a year later with their 3 sons. I can't tell you the power of the atonement of Jesus Christ in having the opportunity to teach and baptize someone that had murdered someone and receive permission from Gordon B. Hinckley, the prophet of the church to be baptized and know that even tho this man had killed someone, he could be saved from that sin. I can't explain these feelings and I don't know that anyone can really fee what I felt in those moments because they were so powerful. I think about these people everyday. How I wish I could go back and teach them and see that joy they had, that light in their eyes and that desire to change and be better. I know that because of them, I am so much better off and i'm so grateful that I had the opportunity to be around them and learn from them because they taught me things I wouldn't ever learn except had it happened that way. I'm so grateful to them and I always will be, people always say, "oh those people are so lucky to have you and have you teach them." I don't know if they ever realize that it's the other way around, that we as missionaries the lucky ones, lucky to have them in our lives.
One last thing I've been thinking about is that my birthday is coming up in about a week and a half and i'm starting to get old. i'll be 24. Now I know it's not really old but I am getting older. One of my goals this year is to at least date someone. I'm 24 and I've never had a girlfriend so I think I need to change a little. I would like to be married by the time I'm 26 or 27 but I plan on dating someone for at least a year or close to it before I decide to marry them, so that means if I date a girl for a year i'll be around 25 almost 26 when we get married, so time is running out. Also as I get older girls don't like guys that are that old so I really need to start trying to be a little more outgoing and a little less shy. The longer I wait, the harder it's going to be, but I also don't want to force anything or rush into it because while I want all this to happen I know that it'll happen when it's suppose to. so I need to find that medium where I'm looking but also not worrying. Where I'm trying but not trying at the same time if that makes sense. Things never work if you try to hard and always seem to happen when you're not trying. So we'll see where things go from here. hopefully up, since I think i've had the worst of it the last week or so I don't know that I can really go down anymore. So here's to goin up!
Next up, stupid girl. that's what I'm going to refer to her as. I'm done with her. I'm no longer worrying about her or caring about because I can finally see she doesn't worry or care about me. I can see how much she has used me and I just don't need that in my life and I don't want it in my life. So she's out of the picture I could care less if I ever heard from her or saw her again. But I have to be grateful that I met her. Although at first it was hard to not have her like me or show much interest in me even though I really wanted to be with her, she has showed me exactly what I don't want in a relationship and she has taught me that I should be treated just as well as treat the girl. Things don't go just one way. I also learned from her that in a relationship there has to be communication. Every time I was around her it was me listening to her talk about her life. She never asked me questions or showed and sign of interest in my life. I want to be with someone I can talk to and have a real conversation with. I don't want to sit and hear about you you you. Don't get me wrong I love getting to know someone and learning about them but after months and we can't even have a conversation and it's just you talking, sorry that don't fly with me. So even though I don't want to admit it, I know I learned things from her and I hope I can take those things I learned and apply them into any kind of relationship.
"the new girl," I haven't talked about her much but she's been on my mind quite a bit. So here's the situation. I went on a date with this girl right before Christmas break. She had finals the next day but was still willing to make some time for me. So this is a sign of interest right? Well this girl comes back from Christmas break and I find out she's in kind of an open relationship....I think, I'm still not completely positive about this. But I know she's kind of dating someone and she seems to really like him. The problem is, is that it's a long distance relationship. Well I didn't talk to her much over Christmas break because she didn't seem to be too interested and I was ok with that because I figured she would be busy with family and stuff anyway. Sooooo now that we're back in school and stuff I don't know if I should try and ask her out again. Because I don't know exactly what's going on with this other guy and I don't want to let her just use for free dinners and stuff if she's really not interested, but at the same time I feel like if she really got to know me then who knows maybe I would have a chance and she would be a little more interested in me seeing as how i'm close and he's well, not so close. So I'm kind of stuck in limbo land with her and I don't know whether or not I should just drop it and move on or try and give it a shot. The hard thing is, is on our date, all we did was go to dinner because she didn't have that much, but in this hour and a half at dinner, we sat and just talked and it was awkward at all and the conversation just had this flow to it and I just had a really good time. I didn't think it was that possibly to sit at dinner with a complete stranger not knowing anything about them and just love to be in their company. It just felt so normal to sit and talk with her and I didn't care about what else was going on and I really was just enjoying being in the moment which doesn't happen to often, which is why I know she's a pretty special person. From that one date she had so many more qualities than the stupid girl ever did in the whole time that I knew her and that just made me like her that much more. I guess the only thing that scares me is rejection. No one likes to be rejected and so knowing she is kind of dating someone kind of gives me the feeling that she's going to reject me, so that is the one thing that is keeping me from asking her out. But I think I might tomorrow, guess we'll just have to see how things go.
Over the last couple weeks there have been things going on between some of my friends and not really in my family but kind of that have really made me sit down and think. It has made me think that even though many time the nice guys get overlooked by girls and that girls always want bad guys, that i'm very grateful my parents have taught me to be respectful of women. Growing up my parents never fought or argued, my dad never raised his voice at my mom and has treated her with nothing but the uttermost respect. I think when it comes to relationships and families, that's exactly how it should be. It's just something I know lots of families wish they had and I hope I can carry that on into my relationships. I never want to yell at her or fight with her. that's no fun. Of course there are always little arguments or disagreements, but it's not that can't be overcome. So I'm just really grateful for my dad and the example he has set for me on how to treat women. He didn't only teach me and tell me about what I need to do, but he showed it to me through his example and I hope he knows that he's my hero and that if I can be half the man that he is then i'll be a happy man. He's always done the right thing regardless of what the world says. I know he's not perfect and that we have our differences but he and my mom have been the best thing in my life.
The last thing I think I want to talk about is my little brother Cam who is in Mexico serving a mission. He's just been the greatest example to me and has reminded me of so many things. He'll be home in 2 short months and I hope he takes every moment and enjoys it. I don't talk about my mission much for a few reasons, 1st, it has been by far the most sacred experience of my life, and 2, most guys use their missions to try and get girls and that's just really annoying. Don't get me wrong though, if you ask about my mission i'll tell you all about it. I could tell you about it all night and day if you want. I don't mind talking about it if people ask but i'm not going to go parading around sharing things that mean the world to me that other people really wont understand or care about. But I just want say a quick something about my mission and it's just been on my mind since I just got done writing my little brother. The mission was easily the best 2 years of my life. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about it, or wish I could be back there. I miss everything about it, the people, the food, the smells, the language, the traditions, the country, the culture. I could go on and on. It's just in that 2 years, I learned so much and I grew even more, but it's hard because no one will ever understand that things I wont through, the hardships, the joy, the feelings I had. The experiences I had. I could tell people all about it but they would never understand. I can't make you feel the feelings I felt when I got to see a family I taught and get baptized get sealed in the temple a year later with their 3 sons. I can't tell you the power of the atonement of Jesus Christ in having the opportunity to teach and baptize someone that had murdered someone and receive permission from Gordon B. Hinckley, the prophet of the church to be baptized and know that even tho this man had killed someone, he could be saved from that sin. I can't explain these feelings and I don't know that anyone can really fee what I felt in those moments because they were so powerful. I think about these people everyday. How I wish I could go back and teach them and see that joy they had, that light in their eyes and that desire to change and be better. I know that because of them, I am so much better off and i'm so grateful that I had the opportunity to be around them and learn from them because they taught me things I wouldn't ever learn except had it happened that way. I'm so grateful to them and I always will be, people always say, "oh those people are so lucky to have you and have you teach them." I don't know if they ever realize that it's the other way around, that we as missionaries the lucky ones, lucky to have them in our lives.
One last thing I've been thinking about is that my birthday is coming up in about a week and a half and i'm starting to get old. i'll be 24. Now I know it's not really old but I am getting older. One of my goals this year is to at least date someone. I'm 24 and I've never had a girlfriend so I think I need to change a little. I would like to be married by the time I'm 26 or 27 but I plan on dating someone for at least a year or close to it before I decide to marry them, so that means if I date a girl for a year i'll be around 25 almost 26 when we get married, so time is running out. Also as I get older girls don't like guys that are that old so I really need to start trying to be a little more outgoing and a little less shy. The longer I wait, the harder it's going to be, but I also don't want to force anything or rush into it because while I want all this to happen I know that it'll happen when it's suppose to. so I need to find that medium where I'm looking but also not worrying. Where I'm trying but not trying at the same time if that makes sense. Things never work if you try to hard and always seem to happen when you're not trying. So we'll see where things go from here. hopefully up, since I think i've had the worst of it the last week or so I don't know that I can really go down anymore. So here's to goin up!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Starting off 2012 on a not so good note.
This holiday season was probably the worst holiday season I've ever had for so many reasons that I don't even know where to start. So let's just make a list of everything that went wrong this holiday season shall we. Let's with anytime there is a holiday my family all gets together, I usually love this but this year it was different. In my family I am right in the middle of all the cousins, I have cousins who start at 3 years older than me and continually get older, then I have cousins that range from 10 and under. Well this year back in August my brother got married which left me as basically the only single person in the family excluding the little kids. So every time my family gets together I use to be able to just hang out with my brother and there was always someone there....not this year, he now fits in with the married couples which kinda left me by myself. So even though I had family all around me, it was pretty lonely. all the married couples would hang out, and all the little kids would hang out which left me, just kinda there. Too make things worse some of the younger couples kinda joked about how I would fit in better if I would just get married. I don't get it, they've been in my shoes they know how hard and stupid dating can be, they also use to hate when people would give them crap about dating so why would they do the same thing. it's so annoying and I hate hearing about it especially from them who not too long ago were in the same position.
Next the whole weekend I was home for christmas I was stuck hanging out with my brother and his wife. My little brother is in a mission so it's not like I could just get away form them and go hang out with him. Anyway my brother and his wife are still in the huge lovey dovey stage where they're always kissing always having to be around and touch each other and it's so freaking annoying, I hate that I couldn't escape it. All weekend long my brothers wife kept saying, "Jake go get married so I have someone to talk to." I sat there thinking are you serious? you fit right in with all the married couples if anything it's me that needs someone to talk to.
Anyway Christmas morning comes and people are opening presents having a good time and I open my brothers present. In it is 2 tickets to a jazz game and my brother says, "this present comes with one condition...you have to take a date." Oh my hell! why is everyone forcing all this dating/marriage stuff down my throat. You know when someone tries to force something on you it just makes you hate it more and more? yeah well that is exactly what's happening with dating and marriage. Someone please shoot me.
So after a few days I made a post on facebook about the present my brother gave me and his comment and of course the girl that I use to really like made a comment and said take me to the game. So I text her and told her I didn't think she would be in town so I probably couldn't take her. After talking I found out she would be in town and told her maybe we would have to figure something out and maybe I would take her. I really wanted to, but I don't think I can. I feel so used by her and it makes me so mad. she doesn't talk to me for weeks at a time and then she knows by making one little comment on my facebook that i'll talk to her. I'm her "security blanket" she keeps coming back when she wants something but will never ever make an effort to do anything for me. About a month ago we talked about maybe dating when she came back and she said she would make an effort too in the relationship well about 3 weeks went by before I talked to her after that. and then that is when she made the comment about me taking her to the Jazz game. it's like she likes going places with me and wants to do fun things, but doesn't really see it going anywhere but she knows I like her and will do things for her and it's things she wants to do so she keeps leading me on thinking maybe things will work out when they never will. I remember when I first met her and we started getting close she said let's take things slow so I thought ok she's serious, nah things never went anywhere and she moved away and didn't talk to me for months and now that she's coming back she's almost acting like nothing ever happened and that things are just going to pick back up where we left off. Well I'm not going to let happen, I'm going to have to move on because I don't want to be stuck in that kind of situation just until she finds someone she really wants to be with and just leaves me, so I think i'll save myself some heartbreak and just not talk to her anymore. SO that's been on my mind a lot the last few weeks and it drives me crazy because I can't help how I feel for her but at the same time now I see what has been going on and I can't let myself be used that way. There is also a little bit more to this story but it's so much to talk about that I'm not really in the mood to type it all out. I think it would take way too long.
Last but not least I was in Wendover for New years. It was a bad night, I lost money and it was good being with friends but guess what, at that stroke of midnight I got another dose of that whole dating thing being shoved down my throat as I looked around and saw all those couples kissing and having a good time making memories together. On the 2 hour bus ride home I couldn't sleep and it gave me a lot to think about. Just how lonely my life actually is. I have my little group of friends in Logan but outside of that what do I have? friends that I never talk to anymore, friends that I never do stuff with anymore. No girls, no dating, no relationship and I just realized actually how much is missing from my life. I thought about how people get in and out of relationships all the time and how I can't even get into one. I thought about all the times I've been called the nice guy the great guy or the awesome guy. I've thought about how many people have asked how am I not dating anyone and it really just makes me wonder, what I could do different or what I need to change. I just......I don't know. Gotta figure things out I guess. but I'm glad 2011 is over and I'm not so glad 2012 has started especially with how it started i'm just not really looking forward to this year right now, wish I could just escape and start all over, that would probably be the best thing for me right now. I'm not usually this down and I guess i'm pretty good at putting on a good face for everyone around but I don't think people really understand what's going on inside. Just how lonely my life really is. It may not seem like it with all the things I do, but it really is kinda lonely at times. But I just had to get all that off my chest especially after the bus ride from last night where it was just constantly on my mind and I just needed to get it out there. Here's to hoping it works.
Next the whole weekend I was home for christmas I was stuck hanging out with my brother and his wife. My little brother is in a mission so it's not like I could just get away form them and go hang out with him. Anyway my brother and his wife are still in the huge lovey dovey stage where they're always kissing always having to be around and touch each other and it's so freaking annoying, I hate that I couldn't escape it. All weekend long my brothers wife kept saying, "Jake go get married so I have someone to talk to." I sat there thinking are you serious? you fit right in with all the married couples if anything it's me that needs someone to talk to.
Anyway Christmas morning comes and people are opening presents having a good time and I open my brothers present. In it is 2 tickets to a jazz game and my brother says, "this present comes with one condition...you have to take a date." Oh my hell! why is everyone forcing all this dating/marriage stuff down my throat. You know when someone tries to force something on you it just makes you hate it more and more? yeah well that is exactly what's happening with dating and marriage. Someone please shoot me.
So after a few days I made a post on facebook about the present my brother gave me and his comment and of course the girl that I use to really like made a comment and said take me to the game. So I text her and told her I didn't think she would be in town so I probably couldn't take her. After talking I found out she would be in town and told her maybe we would have to figure something out and maybe I would take her. I really wanted to, but I don't think I can. I feel so used by her and it makes me so mad. she doesn't talk to me for weeks at a time and then she knows by making one little comment on my facebook that i'll talk to her. I'm her "security blanket" she keeps coming back when she wants something but will never ever make an effort to do anything for me. About a month ago we talked about maybe dating when she came back and she said she would make an effort too in the relationship well about 3 weeks went by before I talked to her after that. and then that is when she made the comment about me taking her to the Jazz game. it's like she likes going places with me and wants to do fun things, but doesn't really see it going anywhere but she knows I like her and will do things for her and it's things she wants to do so she keeps leading me on thinking maybe things will work out when they never will. I remember when I first met her and we started getting close she said let's take things slow so I thought ok she's serious, nah things never went anywhere and she moved away and didn't talk to me for months and now that she's coming back she's almost acting like nothing ever happened and that things are just going to pick back up where we left off. Well I'm not going to let happen, I'm going to have to move on because I don't want to be stuck in that kind of situation just until she finds someone she really wants to be with and just leaves me, so I think i'll save myself some heartbreak and just not talk to her anymore. SO that's been on my mind a lot the last few weeks and it drives me crazy because I can't help how I feel for her but at the same time now I see what has been going on and I can't let myself be used that way. There is also a little bit more to this story but it's so much to talk about that I'm not really in the mood to type it all out. I think it would take way too long.
Last but not least I was in Wendover for New years. It was a bad night, I lost money and it was good being with friends but guess what, at that stroke of midnight I got another dose of that whole dating thing being shoved down my throat as I looked around and saw all those couples kissing and having a good time making memories together. On the 2 hour bus ride home I couldn't sleep and it gave me a lot to think about. Just how lonely my life actually is. I have my little group of friends in Logan but outside of that what do I have? friends that I never talk to anymore, friends that I never do stuff with anymore. No girls, no dating, no relationship and I just realized actually how much is missing from my life. I thought about how people get in and out of relationships all the time and how I can't even get into one. I thought about all the times I've been called the nice guy the great guy or the awesome guy. I've thought about how many people have asked how am I not dating anyone and it really just makes me wonder, what I could do different or what I need to change. I just......I don't know. Gotta figure things out I guess. but I'm glad 2011 is over and I'm not so glad 2012 has started especially with how it started i'm just not really looking forward to this year right now, wish I could just escape and start all over, that would probably be the best thing for me right now. I'm not usually this down and I guess i'm pretty good at putting on a good face for everyone around but I don't think people really understand what's going on inside. Just how lonely my life really is. It may not seem like it with all the things I do, but it really is kinda lonely at times. But I just had to get all that off my chest especially after the bus ride from last night where it was just constantly on my mind and I just needed to get it out there. Here's to hoping it works.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Dedicated to one of my best friends Lior
So a few days ago I told a good friend of mine named Lior...yes that;s how she spells it, that I would make a blog post as to why I love her and why she is one of my most favoritest people in the world. Lior this one's for you!
First of all Lior is just great, everyone should know this. she's just well....great lqtm. No but really here is why she is so great. First of all she's one of the select few that has stayed up with me till 4 in the morning just to talk. she's great. But these late night night talks are awesome....well not really just the late night talks but anytime we hang out, I love the talks that we have. She's one of the only people I feel like I can completely open up to and she's not someone I have to try and impress or worry about what she thinks because she doesn't judge me and just likes me for who I am and to top it all off, she's pretty straight up with me and tells me when i'm doing something stupid and she tries to help and tries to make me a better person. I love her for that, I think she sees something in me that not many others do.
Second, I love her for bringing me ice cream. she knows how much I love chocolate ice cream so guess what? she bought me some for Christmas. She knows I love to eat ice cream while watching a movie and moping around about girls it's like she reads my mind. she's probably the only person to ever buy me anything just because. SEE! she's a good person...kinda haha hopefully she gets that joke.
Anyway next reason is that she texts me from time to time just to see how i'm doing or just to say hi. most people only text me when they want something. I love that she cares about me enough just to see how i'm doing. she's like my little sister :) always checkin on me to make sure i'm not doing anything stupid. The little sister that I never had. :)
Another reason is she is very wise and gives me advice...mostly about stupid girls cuz I never know what to do, but she gives me the best advice on how to handle certain situations. I tend to really struggle. I get all kinds of nervous and I don't know what to say, so she basically slaps me back into reality and calms me down and tells me how things are going down. she's very calm when I am not and this really helps me relax and get my mind off things I can't control.
Last but not least, she's just always there for me. she's my shoulder to lean on, she's just great :) I'm very thankful for her and all that she does for me especially the little things that she probably thinks are no big deal. she's so great and i'm glad she's in my life. Lior thank you thank you for everything I love your guts and you're so great, you really do mean a lot to me so please don't sell me, unless it's to someone super awesome that will take care of me like you.........P.s. we're still not best friends cuz I haven't farted in front of you but that could change soon, you never know. I'll just have to keep you on your toes :)
First of all Lior is just great, everyone should know this. she's just well....great lqtm. No but really here is why she is so great. First of all she's one of the select few that has stayed up with me till 4 in the morning just to talk. she's great. But these late night night talks are awesome....well not really just the late night talks but anytime we hang out, I love the talks that we have. She's one of the only people I feel like I can completely open up to and she's not someone I have to try and impress or worry about what she thinks because she doesn't judge me and just likes me for who I am and to top it all off, she's pretty straight up with me and tells me when i'm doing something stupid and she tries to help and tries to make me a better person. I love her for that, I think she sees something in me that not many others do.
Second, I love her for bringing me ice cream. she knows how much I love chocolate ice cream so guess what? she bought me some for Christmas. She knows I love to eat ice cream while watching a movie and moping around about girls it's like she reads my mind. she's probably the only person to ever buy me anything just because. SEE! she's a good person...kinda haha hopefully she gets that joke.
Anyway next reason is that she texts me from time to time just to see how i'm doing or just to say hi. most people only text me when they want something. I love that she cares about me enough just to see how i'm doing. she's like my little sister :) always checkin on me to make sure i'm not doing anything stupid. The little sister that I never had. :)
Another reason is she is very wise and gives me advice...mostly about stupid girls cuz I never know what to do, but she gives me the best advice on how to handle certain situations. I tend to really struggle. I get all kinds of nervous and I don't know what to say, so she basically slaps me back into reality and calms me down and tells me how things are going down. she's very calm when I am not and this really helps me relax and get my mind off things I can't control.
Last but not least, she's just always there for me. she's my shoulder to lean on, she's just great :) I'm very thankful for her and all that she does for me especially the little things that she probably thinks are no big deal. she's so great and i'm glad she's in my life. Lior thank you thank you for everything I love your guts and you're so great, you really do mean a lot to me so please don't sell me, unless it's to someone super awesome that will take care of me like you.........P.s. we're still not best friends cuz I haven't farted in front of you but that could change soon, you never know. I'll just have to keep you on your toes :)
Monday, December 19, 2011
over analyzing kills me!
So a few things have happened the last few weeks and I;m feeling a little lost and confused and frustrated and it just sucks trying to figure out what to do about everything. So as we all know things with girl have been pretty much non existent with me and i've been cool with that. I'm not in a rush to make things happen, but when things do start to kind of happen and then girls start to play mind games with you, that's when I get upset and I start to get frustrated.
About 2 weeks ago someone I really use to like and had feelings for sent me a text, and of course me being the nice guy that I am had to respond to her. I'm just not good at being mean. Anyway so I text her back and somehow we got on the subject of us getting married......as a joke of course. Then things kinda turned and I felt like she was being serious when she said she wanted to date me when she gets back from Christmas break. Just the way we were talking I felt as if she was being real with me. and I'm pretty sure she was. The problem is, is that I promised myself I would never fall for this girl again. Just because of how things went with us the first time. As we kept talking about things of course some of those feelings came back to me and I've been trying to avoid them because I don't really want things to go anywhere with her. Anyway basically since that night she hasn't talked to me. and that's just how she is. I'm her "security blanket" when she needs someone she comes back to me and only seems to remember me and she feels lonely. she never seems to remember me at any other time which really pisses me off. The thing that scares me is once she comes back I'm afraid she really is going to try to get with me and that I will fall for her. Obviously I don't want to, but I could see it happening, but if that were to happen I can also see her just playing me and then dropping me. Another reason for me to not get involved. I know it's a bad idea to give her another chance but I just have to try and avoid it I guess. So I have been trying to date other girls to just kind of move on and forget about her and that way if she does try to get with me I can tell her i'm with someone and I wont have to worry about falling for her. So last week, I went on a date. Amazing right?!? all we did was go to dinner but it actually turned out to be one of the best dates I've ever been on. This girl was so easy to talk to and we seemed to just get along. I'm still getting to know her but she's making it tough on me. Girls always playing the hard to get game. I don't know how she feels or what she's thinking. I mean the date went well and I felt like she gave me some signs that she was somewhat interested so I don't know what to do with this. it's all part of the mind game. Anyway I decided not to text her for a few days obviously so I don't sound too needy or wanty. so I waited 2 days and she didn't text me so I text her just to see how she was doing and for the first minute she talked back but very quickly her texts turned into very short responses which gives me a feeling she's not interested. Maybe it's just her not knowing what to say, but girls just know how to work it. Guys always want what they can't have so I don't know if that;s what she's doing or if she just flat out doesn't want anything to do with me. This is the problem with these mind games that girls play. It ruins things before things even happen. Now because of how our conversation went I can't text her at all or I do sound like some crazy guy just trying to get with her, which is not what i'm trying to do. But because of these stupid games girls play I basically have to wait for her to text me, which I honestly don't see happening, she doesn't seem like the type to text someone first. so either way I lose. She could be waiting for me to text her again but even if I do she's going to start thinking wow he really wants to talk to me he must like me and if she thinks that then it's going to freak out, there is absolutely no winning. Also if I don't text her she's going to think he must not like me at all and things will end right there. Can you see the position I'm in? All these stupid games people play drive me crazy. What is so wrong with 2 people talking and getting to know each other and maybe going on a couple dates. after getting to know someone a little bit and you're not interested then just tell them. This would make things so much easier and there would be so much more less stress in the world. COMMUNICATION is the key, all people really need to do in this life is communicate and there would be so many less problems. so many things happen because they don't communicate and also because they're scared of what could happen. Sometimes you just have to go along with it and not worry about things. Just let them happen as they come. As you can see i'm stuck a little bit in between a rock and a hard place and then there's just that little extra stress, just that feeling of not knowing what to do is the worst part and when I don't know what to do I start over analyzing things and that is something that's not a good thing to do. So i'm going to try and relax and just take things as they come
About 2 weeks ago someone I really use to like and had feelings for sent me a text, and of course me being the nice guy that I am had to respond to her. I'm just not good at being mean. Anyway so I text her back and somehow we got on the subject of us getting married......as a joke of course. Then things kinda turned and I felt like she was being serious when she said she wanted to date me when she gets back from Christmas break. Just the way we were talking I felt as if she was being real with me. and I'm pretty sure she was. The problem is, is that I promised myself I would never fall for this girl again. Just because of how things went with us the first time. As we kept talking about things of course some of those feelings came back to me and I've been trying to avoid them because I don't really want things to go anywhere with her. Anyway basically since that night she hasn't talked to me. and that's just how she is. I'm her "security blanket" when she needs someone she comes back to me and only seems to remember me and she feels lonely. she never seems to remember me at any other time which really pisses me off. The thing that scares me is once she comes back I'm afraid she really is going to try to get with me and that I will fall for her. Obviously I don't want to, but I could see it happening, but if that were to happen I can also see her just playing me and then dropping me. Another reason for me to not get involved. I know it's a bad idea to give her another chance but I just have to try and avoid it I guess. So I have been trying to date other girls to just kind of move on and forget about her and that way if she does try to get with me I can tell her i'm with someone and I wont have to worry about falling for her. So last week, I went on a date. Amazing right?!? all we did was go to dinner but it actually turned out to be one of the best dates I've ever been on. This girl was so easy to talk to and we seemed to just get along. I'm still getting to know her but she's making it tough on me. Girls always playing the hard to get game. I don't know how she feels or what she's thinking. I mean the date went well and I felt like she gave me some signs that she was somewhat interested so I don't know what to do with this. it's all part of the mind game. Anyway I decided not to text her for a few days obviously so I don't sound too needy or wanty. so I waited 2 days and she didn't text me so I text her just to see how she was doing and for the first minute she talked back but very quickly her texts turned into very short responses which gives me a feeling she's not interested. Maybe it's just her not knowing what to say, but girls just know how to work it. Guys always want what they can't have so I don't know if that;s what she's doing or if she just flat out doesn't want anything to do with me. This is the problem with these mind games that girls play. It ruins things before things even happen. Now because of how our conversation went I can't text her at all or I do sound like some crazy guy just trying to get with her, which is not what i'm trying to do. But because of these stupid games girls play I basically have to wait for her to text me, which I honestly don't see happening, she doesn't seem like the type to text someone first. so either way I lose. She could be waiting for me to text her again but even if I do she's going to start thinking wow he really wants to talk to me he must like me and if she thinks that then it's going to freak out, there is absolutely no winning. Also if I don't text her she's going to think he must not like me at all and things will end right there. Can you see the position I'm in? All these stupid games people play drive me crazy. What is so wrong with 2 people talking and getting to know each other and maybe going on a couple dates. after getting to know someone a little bit and you're not interested then just tell them. This would make things so much easier and there would be so much more less stress in the world. COMMUNICATION is the key, all people really need to do in this life is communicate and there would be so many less problems. so many things happen because they don't communicate and also because they're scared of what could happen. Sometimes you just have to go along with it and not worry about things. Just let them happen as they come. As you can see i'm stuck a little bit in between a rock and a hard place and then there's just that little extra stress, just that feeling of not knowing what to do is the worst part and when I don't know what to do I start over analyzing things and that is something that's not a good thing to do. So i'm going to try and relax and just take things as they come
Monday, November 28, 2011
the road to becoming a man starts now.
Aright it's been a minute since I last wrote in here and I guess life for the most part has been going pretty good. Not great but not bad either, I guess that's why I haven't really had anything to say. Anyway this last weekend was thanksgiving and it was a great weekend but also a pretty down weekend. It was so good because I love going home and knowing my parents love me and can't wait to see me. It also always feels so right just going back to the place a grew up, it always gives me feelings that everything is good and that it's going to work out. I also get to see almost all my friends that I haven't seen in a bit and it's always good to catch up with them. Also while I was home I went through a bunch of my mission stuff and it just reminded me of how much I have to be thankful for and how much us as american's take for granted. But now comes the bad. Going home reminds me that things change, that people change and that life is well....just that it's life and things happen that we can't control all of them. While I was home, like I said I was going through mission things and while I was remembering all those good experiences I had, while I read through the names of all those people I taught and baptized, while I looked through pictures of some of the greatest most sacred moments of my life that no one will ever understand, I realized how happy I was then and how much I had grown. I also realized that I've taken steps backwards since then. I'm not that same person I came to be on my mission and I realized that that among other things is why I'm not as happy as I should be. I think about those people I taught and baptized and wonder what would they think of me if they saw how I was living now? Now don't get me wrong I don't think i'm a terrible person or anything and I don't do anything that bad, I just know I am capable of doing so much more and being a much better person. That was part of the bad experience, another bad part about going home was that I feel like I'm being left behind. Most of my friends I didn't get to see because they were too busy with their girlfriends and already had plans and it just didn't work out. So as all my friends move on with their lives in school and work and relationships I can't help but feel like i'm stuck and I'm not moving forward. They all seemed to just be in and out of relationships till they found the right girls and then there's me who can't even get in one. It just sucks knowing that everything is working out for everyone else and feeling like nothing is working out for you. it makes you feel so lonely. It doesn't help driving back to school and having no one here waiting for me, no one excited to see me, no one that missed me or that I could miss. It's hard going to bed knowing no one else is there by your side and when you wake up, still no one is going to be there, and that during the next day, you're going to see all kinds of people holding hands, cute couples spending time together and then there's you, just sitting and watching and wondering. Going home reminds me of that loneliness that desire to have something more in your life so you don't have to face things alone. Anyway while I was home I went to visit my grandparents graves to visit and look for guidance. They were always there for me while they were alive and I know that they'll always be there to help guide me when I need it. As I sat there talking with them and telling them about life and just everything that's going on in my life, from work to school to girls to sports to my dreams and passions and even my mistakes and shortcomings. I realized it was time that I make a change and become a better person. A more optimistic person and just a better person in general. I told them I would try not to worry about life so much and just enjoy the moments I have. Like I said it was a great thanksgiving to remind me of things i'm thankful for. I'm grateful when I have these down challenging times because it always helps me put life in perspective and make changes to that I can be a better person. I have so much to be thankful for this holiday season and to end I just want to mention some of those things. First of all my parents. They have put up with so much from me, yet they continue to love me and teach me. My brothers, they're the 2 best examples in my life and I couldn't be more proud of them and the things they've done with their lives, I just hope one day I can be just like them. Also my friends have to fall under this category I wouldn't be who I am today without them and they've played a big role in shaping my life. The Atonement and the opportunity I have to be a better person every single day because of it. I'm grateful for the hard times in life, my trials. Because of them I know what I want in life and how to overcome it. I'm grateful for the dreams I have, they keep me going when everyone else just laughs, when everyone else thinks it can't be done. For my will, my passion, my desire to be the very best person I can be, and to one day be the best husband and father I can be. Now I know like usual my thoughts are kind of scattered and unorganized and some of this probably wont make sense to anyone, but most importantly it makes sense to make and i'm grateful that I started doing this so I can remember my feelings and see my progress.
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