The real reason

I'm going to let everyone in on a little secret today... But first anyone that really knows me, knows that I really don't like celebrating my birthday. Many people ask me why and I tell them it's because I don't like all the attention on me. But also if you really know me then you probably know that lots of times I really love to be the center of attention, so how is it that I hate being the center of attention on my birthday? Well here comes the truth, I actually don't mind being the center of attention on my birthday, the thing I don't like about my birthday is not having someone to celebrate it with, and I'm not talking friends or family because they all love to go out and celebrate i'm talking someone special that I can share moments like this with, someone that I can make memories with. The truth is, is that when I go out to celebrate with all my friends or family it really just makes me feel extra lonely knowing that I don't have someone to celebrate special moments like that with. That's the real reason I don't like my birthday....right now. I'm sure one day when I have someone to celebrate with then I wont dislike my birthday so much, I really just hate going out and seeing all my friends with someone and I know they're all there for me to celebrate me, but it really does just make me feel more lonely. Of course that's not something you go around telling your friends, so for now, everyone will just continue to think that I don't like being the center of attention and only the select few of you that read this will know the truth and I hope to be able to share this secret with someone special one day and she can know how happy she makes me to have her in my life and to be able to share special moments with her. So there it is, my secret. My real reason for not liking to celebrate my birthday.....for now.

Letting go is never easy

I really really don't get it. They say things always get worse before they get better. I feel things always get worse then kind of even out then they get worse again but I don't feel like things actually get, "better." I just don't understand and it's very frustrating. I've been trying to date this girl, and it's going through the exact same motion that i've already gone through a million different times with any other girl. I took her on a date last week and just had an absolute blast! In person I have so much fun with her and it feels like she's having fun with me. But then as soon as the date ends then I don't hear from her or I try to talk to her and she's short with me and then she starts to bail on me when you ask her to do something, I just hate that I can go out with these girls and have so much fun and start to really enjoy being around them and then have them just put me on the back burner like it's no big deal, and I just don't get why would you go out with someone if you have no interest in them? Are girls really that shallow that they'll go out with someone because they want a free meal or because the date sounds fun but they really don't want to spend time with that person. I feel like it's very rude. If you're not interested in me then tell me so I can take someone else out on a date that might actually want to spend time with me. It just really sucks and I know i've said that probably about a million times but I just don't know how else to describe it. I go out on dates with these girls and I feel like it's because they want to spend time with me and get to know me and they always seem to be so fun that I start to like them. It makes me feel like for once, things are finally going my way and working out and then it's like NOOOOOOPE!! gotch ya again. I fall for it every single time. I swear every time it hurts worse too. I think it's because i'm getting older and I am to the point where i'm looking for something and just to have things not work out again, it just gets more and more painful. Just once I would like for things to go my way. I know know I always complain about this and everyone has heard it a million times and i'm not looking for sympathy or anything....I just, I dunno, it is what it is I guess. I guess I just need to have more faith that things are working out the way they're suppose to and I just need to believe that things will work out for the best even tho for the moment they don't feel like it. I just need to have a more positive attitude on life in general and realize how much I do have and that there really are so many people that love and care about me and I just need to remember that.

New Year 2013

     As I sit her thinking, I don't really know where to start. I have so many different, thoughts, feelings and emotions running through my head right now. I'm sitting here in my apartment all by myself. I sit here sobbing like a little kid. tears uncontrollably running down my cheeks. There are 4 reasons for this. 1st- I'm realizing and thinking about all that I have and how grateful I am for everything I have in my life and how truly blessed I am. 2- I'm thinking about all my new year resolutions and how badly I want to make them happen. I've never been one to make resolutions this year but I feel like this is something I need to do at this time. I'll go into more detail a little later about them. 3rd- I'm thinking about the gospel and my faith and where I was a few years ago and where I am now, and just how much growing I need to do and how much better I need to be. And 4th last but not least, sometimes a good cry is needed. I don't remember the last time I just sat and cried. It's not something I really like confessing, but sometimes if feels good just to let everything out, after always trying to be so strong and put all the good, bad and the ugly behind you and move on sometimes a cry is needed. I'm not afraid to admit I cry though. It's not something I like or want everyone to know but I really am a big softy.
     I think to start off I want to go over some of my goals and ambitions for this year and kind of mix it in with some other thoughts and feelings, I guess we'll just see where it goes from here. First of all, I want to be more open. I feel like I'm very quiet and shy and I don't open up to people easily, not even my family. But I want to try harder to just talk to people and say hi and smile and just be more friendly and outgoing with those around me.
     Next, I want to be closer with my friends and family. I feel like this is something I'm pretty good at but there's always room for improvement. I want them to know that they can count on me and trust me to always be there for them.
    3rd, I want to have or be in a relationship. I've never had one as we all know. I'm starting to get older and I think it's time for me to get going in that direction. I want to find someone so I can stop feeling so lonely. someone I can count on and that can count on me. Someone I can share special moments with, have fun and get through hard times with. it's always easier when you have someone to lean on. I think it's time.
    4th, I want to be, a better student. I've kind of put being a better student on the back burner and just kind of floated my way through school, but now that I have direction and a destination I know what I need to do, I need to buckle down and study and work hard, so that I can become someone and not just be another average person. I want to make something of myself and go places I don't want to barely survive and live paycheck to paycheck. That's no life and I want to be able to support a family. I want to graduate and get a college degree.
     5th- I need to be better in my faith. I need and want to be better about going to church, reading my scriptures and just having faith in the Lord that everything will work out for my benefit. I know the feelings I have when I do what's right and and I want to constantly be having those feelings around me. I know when I do what's right everything else will fall into place.
    I do have a few other more personal goals I want to and need to work on but I feel that they're things that shouldn't be shouldn't be shared for just anyone to read, but things that only I and maybe a girlfriend or fiance or wife should know about. life goals and things such as that. but that's about all I'm gunna say and just leave it at that.
     Those are a few of the main things i'm looking at working on for 2013. I hope that they wont be something that I just forget about and it becomes a memory, but something that I really really strive to do and hopefully i'll be blessed and that things will start to fall in place and maybe get some unexpected blessings along the way. I hope to meet lots of new friends and gain close friendships and that I can hopefully help some people along the way. "Life isn't meant to be endured, it's meant to be lived." I hope I can finally learn to live and not endure life.So here's to 2013 and to making it better than last year, here's to making me a better person and helping those around me be better also.

mixed signals

After not having been worrying about dating for a while or anything, I finally decided to give it another shot. I realize it's only been a few months but that was exactly what I needed. A friend of mine introduced me to his sister a few weeks ago and I thought she was very beautiful and after talking to her she was very down to earth and just nice and I could just tell she was a good person, needless to say I wanted to take her out. Well unfortunately she lives in Provo so I didn't know when I would get a chance to take her out. Well over thanksgiving I was in salt lake and my buddy that is this girls brother told me I needed to get her up to Logan for the weekend, I had no complaints and told him I would try. So he gave me her number so I could make an attempt to get her up to Logan, well over the next few days we talked a little bit I talked her into coming up to Logan, the only thing was that she would need a ride up and a ride home. Of course I offered to give her a ride both ways so that I could have an opportunity to get to know her better and I was really excited. So I picked her up Saturday morning from Provo and we headed up to Logan for the football game to watch her brother play. The ride up was great, we talked the whole time and she was easy to talk to and I just nice to actually connect with someone. As we're walking up she asks if I want to come sit with her and her family, so I said yeah that would be fine. I sat with her the whole game and after we rushed the field and took some pictures with her family and we met back up at her brothers place because they invited me to go to dinner with them for her brothers birthday. So we went out to dinner and it was nice to just spend time with her and talk with her family and get to know all of them and it was just a good time. After eating we all went up to the basketball game and by this time we were all kind of tired it had been a long day, so for the first half we would stand with everyone and do everything and it was good but it was tiring so by half time we just stayed sitting down. She kept flirting with me a little bit so during the 2nd half she would put her head on my shoulder and just kinda relax and it just felt good, it was so nice and I really enjoyed being at the game with her. When the game ended we went back to her brothers to figure out what was going on that night and I could tell she was getting pretty tired, I was even feeling pretty tired, so while everyone went out we decided to stay behind and just watch a movie. I was so glad she wanted to do that because it just meant I got to spend more one on one time with her. After everyone left we put in a movie and we just cuddled for the whole movie it was great. It felt right and I realized that was something that I wanted in my life. When the movie ended we stayed and talked for a little bit but then I let her go to bed. I got home and I was on cloud 9, I felt like everything that day had just gone right. I was so happy and I hope things were going to continue going this well. Well, things didn't stay the way I had hoped. in fact I don't even know what to think right now and I'll tell ya why. Sunday I went to pick her up to drive her back down to Provo but when I walked in to get her, I just felt like something was wrong, she had this bothered/stressed look on her face and I just thought to myself, "oh no!! I hope this isn't going to be a bad drive down." Well as we got in the car I was trying to talk to her and she would answer and stuff but I could tell something was just bothering her. I asked her if she was ok and she said she was fine so I just tried to drop it. but all the way through the canyon it was a pretty quiet drive. We stopped in Brigham City to get some gas and when I got back in the car she was reading something on her phone, I'm not one to pry or snoop but it looked like a long message and when she responded to the text she spent quite a bit of time texting back whoever it was so I just knew something was wrong and I didn't know what to do. so after more time in silence I asked her again if she was ok because I felt like something was bothering her and all she said was, "I just have a lot on my mind and I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable." How do you take that? I didn't even know what to say and she just apologized for being a bad ride and I told her it was ok. and I told her if she wanted to talk I was willing to listen because it takes a lot to make me feel uncomfortable but she didn't want to talk about it so we sat in silence some more. I had pretty much talked about everything I could think of and didn't know what to say so we sat in silence some more till salt lake and as we were driving by down town she mentioned that you couldn't see the lights from the freeway. I took the next exit and we went and drove around the temple to kind of look at the lights and that seemed to make her a little bit happier. I was able to talk with her and carry a conversation a little better after that till about Lehi when she got quiet again. I was so confused about what was going on and I just didn't know what to do or say, I felt bad that something was bothering her and that there was nothing I could do about it. So the rest of the drive was pretty quiet again and her is where I get really confused. So I was dropping her off at her aunts house because that;s where her car was, but we got out of the car and I grabbed one of her bags to take to her car and I put it in. After the car ride down I felt like she wasn't really interested in me so I didn't expect anything well as I gave her a hug goodbye I went to let go but she kept holding on so I held on for a little bit longer....if she wasn't interested I don't think she would have hugged me like that. After the hug she apologized again for being a bad ride and as I let go of the hug I let my hand kind of slide down and I just placed them on her hips while I looked at her and talked to her. She went to grab them and I thought she was going to take them off and as she grabbed my hands I thought she was going to let go, but she just kind of held on to them while we kept talking and I just thought this is so weird, what am I supposed to think?!? If she doesn't like you or anything she wouldn't hug you like that and hold on to your hands like that. Then as we said our goodbyes she said, "I hope to see you again soon." but it was just the way she said it, I couldn't tell if she actually meant it or if she just said it like she was trying to be nice. And I know I'm probably over analyzing everything and I shouldn't be but it just got my mind going and I felt like there were so many mixed signals and I just didn't know what to think or say. Needless to say I had a very long drive with a lot on my mind and it really sucks. After having such a good day with her everything just got so confusing, after that first night I thought everything was going to be good, but of course things can never be easy when girls are involved. They always make things so confusing it can never be easy with them. It just reminded me why I hate dating so bad and why I never want to get involved with anyone. Now that I hung out/went out with her I'm obviously interested because I had such a good time but after the drive home it makes me have doubts about what she thinks, so now I'm obviously stuck thinking about her, but what about her? she's probably not interested which means i'm going to be left hurt thinking about what could have been. it's the worst feeling in the world that you're not good enough for someone especially after thinking you were. Anyway if any ladies read this, just keep things simple, don't send all kinds of mixed signals, just be straight up with someone and it'll make things easier for both of you. Just keep it simple, not that hard to do.

still not going how I hoped

So it's been a few months since I've written here on my blog and actually as of lately i've been writing most of my stuff down in my journal, I find that writing helps me clear my mind a little bit more than this blog does. but this still helps. Anyway a lot has gone on in the last couple months and I don't even know where to begin.....Not so much has happened with girls but other things..I guess to start, back in the summer I started running and getting back in shape and once I started doing that I decided I wanted to play soccer for Utah State. It had always been a dream of mine to play college soccer and I had kept putting it off thinking I wasn't in good enough shape or that I was just too lazy, but this time I had plenty of time to get ready. Anyway try-outs came and I was really impressed with some of the talent that was there, while I wasn't the greatest I felt like I held my own and that I was in the middle top half of the pack, well day 2 came and once again I felt pretty good about how I had done, but it wasn't good enough, I didn't even make first cuts...I was crushed, I had never been cut from a soccer team before. I kind of thought I wouldn't make the team, but I felt like I would have at least made first  cuts. Anyway it was a hard pill to swallow and i felt pretty worthless and like I had let a bunch of people down, but mostly myself... it hurts trying to make a dream come true and realizing that you're not quite good enough. But I did learn a lot and my family all talked to me about how proud they were of me for at least chasing me dreams and doing everything I could to accomplish them. So even though I didn't make the team I still have an opportunity in about a week to make my dreams come true of playing on a college team. I'll be trying out for the Utah State men's volleyball team where I think I'll have a better chance of making it, but I guess we will have to see what happens, I'm working hard to make this dream a reality and all I can do is go out and compete and give it my all and hope for the best. so I'll have to let you know how that all goes. But that was the main thing that had been going on in my life I was focusing so much on soccer and getting in shape and stuff that I didn't have a ton of time for girls or anything else. Also with school starting back up I've barely had time for myself.
    As for girls, towards the end of summer I met an awesome girl named Catherine and she was pretty shy, but we ended up becoming friends and I thought she might like me and from the way she talks to me I still think she kind of does but I don't really know what to think about the whole thing. She still lives with her mom and her dad just passed away and so her mom doesn't let her out much so I invite her to things but she hasn't been able to come once and so we haven't hung out once, but when we talk, she talks to me and asks me questions and makes me feel like she's really interested but I don't know, think because of how her mom is she's scared to hang out with me or maybe she's just really not interested in me so she keeps making up excuses, but every time I think I'm done with her and I stop talking to her, she'll start talking to me and it's just been hard because I'm so interested in getting to know but I can't find a way to spend time with her to get to know her...Anyway while all this is going on there is this other girl I know named Mee, she's cute she's great and she's actually interested in me, but here's the catch, first of all she lives in salt lake so there's already a distance issue, 2nd she's not a member of the church and isn't really interested in it so right off the bat I don't want to date someone who isn't a member because I plan on being married in the temple and if she's not interested in that then it most likely wont happen. It just sucks because I finally found someone interested in me that I can see myself dating but because of what seems like little things which are really big I just know it wont work out. I just don't know how to handle it all, I'm feeling like i'm getting really old....ok not really old but older and I still haven't had an actual girlfriend, i'm starting to think I was just meant to be single forever, maybe i'm too picky, I don't know. it's just hard trying to be so patient and wait for the right person to come around, it's frustrating to see all my friends get married and or date people and I just get kinda left hanging. I don't understand why it's taking me so long or maybe there are things wrong with me that I need to fix and I think i've said that before but I just don't know. So yeah that's basically what has been going on over the last couple months and we'll see how things go over the next few and maybe things will start to look up for me, only time will tell.

Here we go again!

So I haven't had much happening in my dating life over the last little bit so I haven't had much to blog about, but tonight I had my first date in a while so i'm going to tell you all about it. First of all the girl is someone a met a few weeks ago and have kind of hung out with a little bit here and there but I wanted to take her on a real date instead of just hanging out to see what she was like. Well I know how much she likes soccer so tonight we went down to the RSL game in salt lake. Now whenever I take a girl on a date to salt lake I get really nervous because I usually like to do just a short date first and I know that sometimes girls don't like long dates and feel like they just kind of drag on so I was a little nervous about that. Anyway I picked her up and we drove down to Salt Lake. I feel like the drive went really well, we talked, we told stories we joked a little bit, it all just seemed pretty natural and it just felt good to not have to try and force a conversation. so the drive down wasn't bad at all. Next up was the game. The game was a little cold but it was a really good game and a pretty intense one so it was a good one to go to. I think overall she enjoyed it. I did have some friends at the game tho there was like 6 of us that had decided to go and afterwards is when I decided I would ask this girl on a date. So I was a little worried about this also because yes we were on a date but we were also kind of joining a group of people and I didn't know how she would feel about that. I felt like it was good for the game because sometimes games get a little awkward when it's just the 2 of you so it was nice that she had people to talk with and so did I and that way I didn't have to keep a conversation the whole time. After the game we decided to go to dinner. We went to P.F. Changs. it was great but at the same time I think she may have felt a little awkward around everyone because she was kind of quiet, or it could have been that it was getting late and she was just tired. so this is the part of the date i'm most unsure of. Hopefully it went ok, I don't really know. And last of all was the long drive home. the drive home once again was pretty good. we talked pretty easily but I could tell she was definitely getting tired and that it had been a long day for her. So I dropped her off walked her to the door thanked her for coming and and we hugged good night. That's about it. It wasn't a short awkward hug but it wasn't a hug like hey I think I might like you. So as for right now i'm going to try and not think about it or worry about it. I feel like it's headed towards the friend zone which I would be ok with but she's a really cool girl and would love to take her out again and get to know her even better. But i'm just not going to force the issue, I guess we'll see how things go over the next couple days. The hardest part I think is just not being able to read her. so I have absolutely no idea what she's thinking or if she would even like to go out again. I wish dating was easier it's just frustrating trying to play all the mind games and how long do I wait before I text her or stuff like that. I just wish people would be open and say hey I'm interested in dating you or hey i'm not interested. It would save a lot of time, but I guess it doesn't really work that way so it's out of my hands. I just have to control what I can, and the things I can't control I just have to live with.

So grateful for my mom

With mothers day coming up I've been doing a lot of thinking and I just realized how grateful I am for my mom and how grateful I am for the things she has taught me over the years. I had an experience this last weekend that really made me realize this and really made me probably more grateful for my mom than I've ever been.
 On Sunday night me and a bunch of my friends were sitting at my apartment having a BBQ and watching the Jazz game. While we were all sitting here getting ready for the game to start there was a knock at the door. No one made a rush to get up and answer it, so I got out of my chair and went to answer it. When I opened the door I saw my neighbor. She's a single mom of 3 kids and she's probably in her 40's. Anyway she always comes over when she needs help with something and I don't really mind helping her just because that's who I am. Anyway, when I opened up the door and saw her I knew she was going to need some help with something. I was right....kind of. When I opened the door we greeted each other and she went on to tell me about how her friend was moving down from Wyoming and was going to need some help moving in the next morning at about 8. Now for anyone that doesn't know I work the graveyard shift and get off at 5 in the morning which makes 8 o'clock in the morning very very early for me. Anyway she asked if I would come help and I said of course, it wouldn't be a problem, she then asked if I could get my friends and roomates to help. I told her I would see what I could do and she said she would try and get some people as well. After she left I came back in and asked if anyone could help the next day and no one could. They all had work or just weren't feeling it, so I some how had this feeling that the next morning was going to be a very long morning.
The next morning my alarm went off and I really struggled to get myself up. When I woke up I thought, "I really don't need to go, I'm sure they'll have enough help." or I had thoughts of just going back to bed and calling later saying, "I'm so sorry, I slept right through my alarm." But every time I closed my eyes to fall back asleep I kept hearing my mom's voice in my head. There were a few things that she always told me growing up and they were, "You told them you were going to be there, you need to keep your word and go and do what you said you were going to do." "Sometimes we all have to do things in life that are hard or that we don't like or that we don't want to do." So after those thoughts ran through my head I forced myself to get up and get ready and go help this lady move. When I showed up to her house all I saw was my neighbors friend and an old lady that was her mom. I felt so bad that there was no one else and I couldn't imagine how hard things would have been if I hadn't showed up because they had lots of heavy stuff that i'm pretty sure they wouldn't have been able to get unless I was there. After we were done, Michelle (the lady that was moving in) thanked me so much for my help and was so grateful. She tried to pay me and I told her I couldn't accept the money. I had already felt bad enough for almost not showing up that I couldn't take her cash. after a few minutes of arguing she forced me to take the cash and wouldn't let me get away unless I would take it. At this point I thought ok it's probably only like 20 bucks or something I guess that isn't that much and I can take it. 20 bucks for an hour and a half of work, not too bad. When I got home, I opened up the envelope and there was a little bit more than 20 bucks in there. She had given me 60 bucks for my work. As I sat there thinking, I realized how much I needed the money. after my trip to hawaii I was a little low on money and my pay check wasn't very big because I had missed a whole week of work. After paying my tithing the funds were definitely low. I needed that money more than I had realized and I sat there and thought about how God was looking out for me and how he blesses us in ways we don't expect, and how he does bless us when we do those things that he would like. I know that he loves when we serve one another and I really didn't have to go and help this lady out, but through my service he was able to bless me. And if it weren't for my mom and the things she taught me I probably wouldn't have shown up to help out Michelle. I'm so grateful for my mom and that she taught me to love my neighbors and just be there to help people that need it. I'm love that she taught me that sometimes we have to do things that we really don't want to do and that even though we don't want to do it, it's usually for our good. I love my mom. I love her so much. She's always been such a great teacher and an even better example to me. Sometimes those little lessons she taught me have the biggest impact on my life. She's just so awesome and so great, I can't even begin to describe how grateful I am for her or how much I love her. So here's to you mom. THANK YOU for everything and I LOVE YOU more than you could ever know. I've been so blessed!