Dedicated to one of my best friends Lior

So a few days ago I told a good friend of mine named Lior...yes that;s how she spells it, that I would make a blog post as to why I love her and why she is one of my most favoritest people in the world. Lior this one's for you!
 First of all Lior is just great, everyone should know this. she's just well....great lqtm. No but really here is why she is so great. First of all she's one of the select few that has stayed up with me till 4 in the morning just to talk. she's great. But these late night night talks are awesome....well not really just the late night talks but anytime we hang out, I love the talks that we have. She's one of the only people I feel like I can completely open up to and she's not someone I have to try and impress or worry about what she thinks because she doesn't judge me and just likes me for who I am and to top it all off, she's pretty straight up with me and tells me when i'm doing something stupid and she tries to help and tries to make me a better person. I love her for that, I think she sees something in me that not many others do.
Second, I love her for bringing me ice cream. she knows how much I love chocolate ice cream so guess what? she bought me some for Christmas. She knows I love to eat ice cream while watching a movie and moping around about girls it's like she reads my mind. she's probably the only person to ever buy me anything just because. SEE! she's a good person...kinda haha hopefully she gets that joke.
Anyway next reason is that she texts me from time to time just to see how i'm doing or just to say hi. most people only text me when they want something. I love that she cares about me enough just to see how i'm doing. she's like my little sister :) always checkin on me to make sure i'm not doing anything stupid. The little sister that I never had. :)
Another reason is she is very wise and gives me advice...mostly about stupid girls cuz I never know what to do, but she gives me the best advice on how to handle certain situations. I tend to really struggle. I get all kinds of nervous and I don't know what to say, so she basically slaps me back into reality and calms me down and tells  me how things are going down. she's very calm when I am not and this really helps me relax and get my mind off things I can't control.
Last but not least, she's just always there for me. she's my shoulder to lean on, she's just great :) I'm very thankful for her and all that she does for me especially the little things that she probably thinks are no big deal. she's so great and i'm glad she's in my life. Lior thank you thank you for everything I love your guts and you're so great, you really do mean a lot to me so please don't sell me, unless it's to someone super awesome that will take care of me like you.........P.s. we're still not best friends cuz I haven't farted in front of you but that could change soon, you never know. I'll just have to keep you on your toes :)

over analyzing kills me!

So a few things have happened the last few weeks and I;m feeling a little lost and confused and frustrated and it just sucks trying to figure out what to do about everything. So as we all know things with girl have been pretty much non existent with me and i've been cool with that. I'm not in a rush to make things happen, but when things do start to kind of happen and then girls start to play mind games with you, that's when I get upset and I start to get frustrated.
     About 2 weeks ago someone I really use to like and had feelings for sent me a text, and of course me being the nice guy that I am had to respond to her. I'm just not good at being mean. Anyway so I text her back and somehow we got on the subject of us getting married......as a joke of course. Then things kinda turned and I felt like she was being serious when she said she wanted to date me when she gets back from Christmas break. Just the way we were talking I felt as if she was being real with me. and I'm pretty sure she was. The problem is, is that I promised myself I would never fall for this girl again. Just because of how things went with us the first time. As we kept talking about things of course some of those feelings came back to me and I've been trying to avoid them because I don't really want things to go anywhere with her. Anyway basically since that night she hasn't talked to me. and that's just how she is. I'm her "security blanket" when she needs someone she comes back to me and only seems to remember me and she feels lonely. she never seems to remember me at any other time which really pisses me off. The thing that scares me is once she comes back I'm afraid she really is going to try to get with me and that I will fall for her. Obviously I don't want to, but I could see it happening, but if that were to happen I can also see her just playing me and then dropping me. Another reason for me to not get involved. I know it's a bad idea to give her another chance but I just have to try and avoid it I guess. So I have been trying to date other girls to just kind of move on and forget about her and that way if she does try to get with me I can tell her i'm with someone and I wont have to worry about falling for her. So last week, I went on a date. Amazing right?!? all we did was go to dinner but it actually turned out to be one of the best dates I've ever been on. This girl was so easy to talk to and we seemed to just get along. I'm still getting to know her but she's making it tough on me. Girls always playing the hard to get game. I don't know how she feels or what she's thinking. I mean the date went well and I felt like she gave me some signs that she was somewhat interested so I don't know what to do with this. it's all part of the mind game. Anyway I decided not to text her for a few days obviously so I don't sound too needy or wanty. so I waited 2 days and she didn't text me so I text her just to see how she was doing and for the first minute she talked back but very quickly her texts turned into very short responses which gives me a feeling she's not interested. Maybe it's just her not knowing what to say, but girls just know how to work it. Guys always want what they can't have so I don't know if that;s what she's doing or if she just flat out doesn't want anything to do with me. This is the problem with these mind games that girls play. It ruins things before things even happen. Now because of how our conversation went I can't text her at all or I do sound like some crazy guy just trying to get with her, which is not what i'm trying to do. But because of these stupid games girls play I basically have to wait for her to text me, which I honestly don't see happening, she doesn't seem like the type to text someone first. so either way I lose. She could be waiting for me to text her again but even if I do she's going to start thinking wow he really wants to talk to me he must like me and if she thinks that then it's going to freak out, there is absolutely no winning. Also if I don't text her she's going to think he must not like me at all and things will end right there. Can you see the position I'm in? All these stupid games people play drive me crazy. What is so wrong with 2 people talking and getting to know each other and maybe going on a couple dates. after getting to know someone a little bit and you're not interested then just tell them. This would make things so much easier and there would be so much more less stress in the world. COMMUNICATION is the key, all people really need to do in this life is communicate and there would be so many less problems. so many things happen because they don't communicate and also because they're scared of what could happen. Sometimes you just have to go along with it and not worry about things. Just let them happen as they come. As you can see i'm stuck a little bit in between a rock and a hard place and then there's just that little extra stress, just that feeling of not knowing what to do is the worst part and when I don't know what to do I start over analyzing things and that is something that's not a good thing to do. So i'm going to try and relax and just take things as they come

the road to becoming a man starts now.

Aright it's been a minute since I last wrote in here and I guess life for the most part has been going pretty good. Not great but not bad either, I guess that's why I haven't really had anything to say. Anyway this last weekend was thanksgiving and it was a great weekend but also a pretty down weekend.  It was so good because I love going home and knowing my parents love me and can't wait to see me. It also always feels so right just going back to the place a grew up, it always gives me feelings that everything is good and that it's going to work out. I also get to see almost all my friends that I haven't seen in a bit and it's always good to catch up with them. Also while I was home I went through a bunch of my mission stuff and it just reminded me of how much I have to be thankful for and how much us as american's take for granted. But now comes the bad. Going home reminds me that things change, that people change and that life is well....just that it's life and things happen that we can't control all of them. While I was home, like I said I was going through mission things and while I was remembering all those good experiences I had, while I read through the names of all those people I taught and baptized, while I looked through pictures of some of the greatest most sacred moments of my life that no one will ever understand, I realized how happy I was then and how much I had grown. I also realized that I've taken steps backwards since then. I'm not that same person I came to be on my mission and I realized that that among other things is why I'm not as happy as I should be. I think about those people I taught and baptized and wonder what would they think of me if they saw how I was living now? Now don't get me wrong I don't think i'm a terrible person or anything and I don't do anything that bad, I just know I am capable of doing so much more and being a much better person. That was part of the bad experience, another bad part about going home was that I feel like I'm being left behind. Most of my friends I didn't get to see because they were too busy with their girlfriends and already had plans and it just didn't work out. So as all my friends move on with their lives in school and work and relationships I can't help but feel like i'm stuck and I'm not moving forward. They all seemed to just be in and out of relationships till they found the right girls and then there's me who can't even get in one. It just sucks knowing that everything is working out for everyone else and feeling like nothing is working out for you. it makes you feel so lonely. It doesn't help driving back to school and having no one here waiting for me, no one excited to see me, no one that missed me or that I could miss. It's hard going to bed knowing no one else is there by your side and when you wake up, still no one is going to be there, and that during the next day, you're going to see all kinds of people holding hands, cute couples spending time together and then there's you, just sitting and watching and wondering. Going home reminds me of that loneliness that desire to have something more in your life so you don't have to face things alone. Anyway while I was home I went to visit my grandparents graves to visit and look for guidance. They were always there for me while they were alive and I know that they'll always be there to help guide me when I need it. As I sat there talking with them and telling them about life and just everything that's going on in my life, from work to school to girls to sports to my dreams and passions and even my mistakes and shortcomings. I realized it was time that I make a change and become a better person. A more optimistic person and just a better person in general. I told them I would try not to worry about life so much and just enjoy the moments I have. Like I said it was a great thanksgiving to remind me of things i'm thankful for. I'm grateful when I have these down challenging times because it always helps me put life in perspective and make changes to that I can be a better person. I have so much to be thankful for this holiday season and to end I just want to mention some of those things. First of all my parents. They have put up with so much from me, yet they continue to love me and teach me. My brothers, they're the 2 best examples in my life and I couldn't be more proud of them and the things they've done with their lives, I just hope one day I can be just like them. Also my friends have to fall under this category I wouldn't be who I am today without them and they've played a big role in shaping my life. The Atonement and the opportunity I have to be a better person every single day because of it. I'm grateful for the hard times in life, my trials. Because of them I know what I want in life and how to overcome it. I'm grateful for the dreams I have, they keep me going when everyone else just laughs, when everyone else thinks it can't be done. For my will, my passion, my desire to be the very best person I can be, and to one day be the best husband and father I can be. Now I know like usual my thoughts are kind of scattered and unorganized and some of this probably wont make sense to anyone, but most importantly it makes sense to make and i'm grateful that I started doing this so I can remember my feelings and see my progress.

Not so amazing!

So tonight I was thinking and I was thinking about how people always use the phrase, "there's plenty of fish in the sea." while yeah this is true, there's billions of fish in the sea, I couldn't help and think back on all of my experiences fishing. I realized that while they're may be lots of fish in the sea how many fish do you actually catch when you go fishin? In all the times i've gone fishin sure hasn't been many. Dating is the exact same. No matter how many times I throw my line out there I might get a girl to show a little bit of interest but then she doesn't take the bait. Guess I'm usin the wrong kinda bait out here in Logan, Utah.
Anyway other than that, I wanna talk about something that I really can't stand. There is one word out there that just really makes me cringe. You ready for this? The word is "Amazing." I don't mean it when people just use it in a random sentence but when people use it referring to me. Let me tell you a little story that made think about this. The other night a girl I use to like asked me if I was dating anyone I kinda laughed and said no. Anyone that knows me pretty well knows my luck with girls. Anyway this girl went on to say I don't believe that, if I wouldn't have moved away I would have fallen hard for you, you're an amazing guy! GREAT!! there's the word. Now I don't know if anyone will understand this but the word amazing isn't a good thing. When someone calls you amazing it usually means oh you're a way fun guy but I don't wanna date you. Either that or when you hear it from someone that's already married and they say, "why aren't you dating someone you're an amazing guy." you should try to avoid phrases like that if you're talking to someone. I really hate when people tell me that. It's like well if I'm so amazing 1. why am I single? 2. why can't I get a date? and 3. you're lying because it's obvious that i'm not as amazing as you make me sound. So please try to refrain from using that word. I've heard it about 3 times this week and it just makes me so mad. maybe it's just because i'm really bad at taking compliments. But I guess it's just kind of annoying when you know what it's really like and people are trying to tell you something about you that you know isn't true. Now don't get me wrong i'm not looking for compliments saying jake you really are amazing don't think I look at myself and call me a loser because I don't think that of myself either. I just know that you're putting me up higher than I really am. I'm just your average joe, nothing special, but not a loser. So please don't call me amazing I take it as an insult. And like I said it's only when you're talking about me and my dating life that if you call me amazing I get upset.  If you're a good friend of mine and I do something awesome or nice, go ahead and call me amazing, that would be nice of you....just don't say something like oh jake you brought me a slurpee you're amazing...why aren't you dating anyone? or how are you single? In this case you would still be implying to the word amazing. so if you're going to call me amazing just leave it at that. Thanks for the slurpee Jake, you're amazing! Boom just end it there and walk away. Not too hard right?

my fairytale girl

Welcome boys and girls to story time with Jake. So tonight I was watching Kim's fantasy wedding with some friends, sounds kinda gay but it was kinda funny. Anyway it got me thinking about my fantasy wedding lately I've had this girl on my mind that i've crushed on for a while and i don't see things ever going anywhere with her but if it did, it would just complete my fairytale, so i'm going to tell everyone about this girl because in my eyes she's more perfect than any girl I've ever met.
     About 6 or 7 years ago just hanging out with my friends when we decided to make a trip to wal-mart. So we go and do our thing there and as we're leaving, we were backing out of parking spot and there's just this really beautiful girl walking into the store and so we pull up to her and my buddy leans out the window and says hey are you so and so, she says yeah I am and he was like that's tight you're my cousin! haha I guess he didn't really know her that well. Anyway at the time I just thought oh she's cute but didn't really think anything of it. This happened when I was maybe a sophomore or a Jr. in High school. Anyway after my mission I've run into this girl a few times but i've never said anything to me cuz I doubt she would remember me, I mean I was sitting in the back seat of my friends car the first time we met and it was just a quick introduction. So yeah i've never really talked to her. Anyway so I've always been so scared to talk to her because she's just the MOST gorgeous girl I've met, but not only is she gorgeous she's the complete package. because she is my buddies cousin he told me a lot about her, but we also have lots of friend in common and i've just randomly heard people talk about her and so naturally I ask them what she's like. I've never ever hear one single bad thing about her. All I hear is how awesome she is, how fun she is and of course how pretty she is. So of course how could I not want someone like her around. Anyway I ended up adding her on facebook because my friend was suppose to set me up on a date with her but I hate just adding people because I feel like a creep when I do that, so I was very nervous just to do that. Much to my surprise she accepted me. After becoming her facebook friend naturally I look through her pictures not only to see if all the stories I had heard about her were true but just to kind of get to know her. Not only were the things that people have said were true but I also saw so much more in this girl. Not only could I tell she was fun and out going and awesome and pretty, but there was even more to her! believe it or not. Just from her pictures and posts I could see how close she is with her family, how much she loves them and how well they get along. I could also see her spiritual side, she's someone that has a deep love for God and the Gospel of Jesus Christ. What more could a guy want in a girl? She definitely was the complete package. So after some time I decided to try and write her a little message just because I hate when people add me as a friend then don't talk to me and so I didn't want to be that person. Basically I just wrote her a short message asking her if she remembered me and if she didn't I just wanted to introduce myself to her so she could get to know me. I never ever heard back from her, but I found out at the time when I wrote that she has been dating someone so that makes me wonder if that had something to do with her not responding. Anyway I've just been thinking about her a lot over the last little bit and can't help but think what things would be like with a girl like that in my life, it's not very often that you find girls like her in our world today that have the complete package. In fact I would dare say they're almost extinct because you only find girls like this once in a blue moon. So i've decided I have nothing to lose right. I'm going to find a way to ask this girl on a date. Why not? I'm pretty sure she's single now and who knows. I think she's worth taking the risk, it's kind of weird tho because even tho i've never hung out with her or spent time with just from the things I've heard from my best friend and from my other friends that know her, I feel like I know her. That sounds kind of dumb and childish, but it's true I've never felt like i've known someone so well when i really don't know them. Anway in my fantasy wedding it's going to be a girl just like her, someone well rounded, someone down to earth, someone who knows how to have fun but also knows where to draw the line, someone who knows where their priorities lie and someone who knows their standards....In my eyes this girl is perfect and I may never ever get the chance to tell her that. I hope that one day I do, even if nothing comes from it at least we could be friends, how could you not want someone like that as a friend. It never hurts to dream big, "no dream is ever to big and no dreamer is ever too small."

Learning to move on

So recently i've been feeling pretty good about life....this is a bad sign. Once I start getting comfortable something always happens, well guess what? something happened tonight. I don't even know how to express my feelings about this because I myself am so confused and I'm not sure what I should think or do. I feel like I'm taking steps backwards which I am I can tell. So once upon a time there was a girl I liked and kinda dated but not really because she wasn't sure about things and wasn't sure where her life was going, well anyway she moved away kinda randomly and kinda quickly I didn't get much a chance to see her before she left or spend time with her but she was doing what she wanted and needed to do. Well anyway needless to say I was left a little heartbroken and struggled to get over her. well I had been doing good, I even went out on a few dates tried to move on. Basically I saw it as, she's moved away i'll never see her again so why waste my time worrying about her because there's nothing I can do to fix things. Well like I said things were going good right? well tonight outta nowhere she starts talking to me on facebook. I could never bring myself to talk to her because I know talking to her would just make me miss her and make all those feelings come back, so I made myself a promise I wouldn't talk to her until I knew for sure I was over her or if she talked to me first. anyway like I said she started talking to me on facebook and she asked, "what I would say if she were back in utah?" I didn't know how to answer, I had so many thoughts run through my head. so all I said was "I would be mad that you didn't call me and tell me." and she continued to tell me she might be moving back in the ear future. once again I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to get excited and act all happy because I didn't know if she was just saying that because thats what she wanted me to say, but I also didn't want to be a jerk to her so all that came out was. "oh that's cool" of course she could tell something was off and she said, "you don't sound very excited?" you caught me!! what do I say to that? part of me wanted to be the mean guy and say nope I don't, because girls always want what they can't have right? so by saying that it would make her want me right? but I couldn't lie so of course my nice side came out and I said what she wanted to hear, "of course I still do." yes I was excited because I liked her and just by her telling me she's coming back makes me want things to work. but at the same time I wasn't excited at all because knowing she was here would just kill me, apparently all my feelings aren't gone for her. I hate how she controls me so easily with basically no effort at all, how she can make me miss her and want to be with her so bad just by saying she might be around. I hate how easily I care for people and let them get the best of me. I hate being the "nice" guy the "sweet" guy. It just puts me in bad positions, positions to get hurt while everyone else just takes advantage of you and use you however they please because they know you're nice and would do anything for them. there's so many things about her that I hate and it doesn't make sense because for all these things that I hate, you would think that it would be so easy to get over her, and it's not. All I want to do is move on and everytime I start to do just that, she has a way of reeling me back in. Learning to move on isn't easy and probably never will be but it's something I need to work on so I can live my life without worrying and eventually find someone that wants to be with me.

You make me wanna fly

So after my rant the other night I got thinking and there was something I forgot to mention, one thing that makes me more mad than anything!! Girls who claim to be mormon and they're super awesome and you think it's someone you wanna date but they you find out that they drink and/or smoke or something stupid like that. Now I think everyone has a right to believe and do what they want. But I wont date someone that does that stuff. it's not something I want in my life. So I hate finding incredibly awesome girls then come to find out they do stuff like that. it kills me. I just hate that they can't see how stupid doing all that stuff is. None of that is going to make you happy. sure you might have fun doing it in the moment and all that but it's just so stupid, I can't say that enough. And of course it's my luck to find a pretty chill girl, someone that actually likes me and would date me then I find out that stuff and they don't want to stop and they think it's fun and all that. well sorry i'm not having that. One thing my mission president taught me and I think this is going to be the hardest thing in the world he was giving me my going home interview/talk and of course they always talk about marriage in that, but he said, "Elder Christofferson, when it comes to searching for your eternal companion you need to find someone that loves the Lord more than she loves you." That just isn't something you see a whole lot of now days. The girls that do love the Lord that much always seem to be so awkward, then all the girls that are super chill and that I get a long with really well, don't seem to really care about that. They may go to church and stuff but through their actions you know thats not the case. It just sucks and it really makes me wonder if there is a girl out there that has what i'm looking for. Now i'm not talking about someone like super churchy that wont watch a PG-13 movie but just someone down to earth, someone who knows there beliefs and lives by them but also isn't perfect. if she swears here or there big deal. But those type of people just don't seem to exist. Maybe it's just Utah?! But it seems like everyone is one extreme of the other. Super churchy or super crazy, is there no girls in the middle ground? I have found probably 2 girls like that. 2 out of all the people i've met here!! and of course what happens with them? well i'm wasn't really their type so nothing. Now because i've had these 2 awesome girls in my life if only for a second that I compare everyone to them and no one compares. One of them I can't stop thinking about lately and it's driving me crazy. I thought I had gotten over her a long time, now I find myself looking at her facebook page, getting jealous when I see pictures of her and guys and wishing she would talk to me. It sucks knowing that you're not good enough for someone or that you're not what they want when it seems like they're the person that could just make you happy forever. You start to wish they would give you a shot but as you think about it, you come to a realization that it's not going to happen. Then you get that feeling of loneliness which is the worst feeling in the world, you sit there and wonder if someone like that will ever come a long again and how long it'll take. But you feel as though no one can measure up to that person. Sometimes I wonder why i'm still friends with her, there's a reason I stopped talking to her and it was because it hurt so much knowing she was interested, no i'm just setting myself up for failure and walking right down the same path i've already taken. But I guess that's what happens when a person brings out the best in you. that's what i've always wanted is someone that makes me want to be a better person, and that's exactly what she does. and that's probably why I can't stop thinking about her because she makes me the type of person I want to be and that I try to be but I can't reach that level without a boost and thats what she provides me with, even tho she probably doesn't know it or doesn't see it. but she really is an amazing person! who wouldn't want to be around someone like that right?

You make me wanna fly, so high. so high, high baby.

can't get you off my mind

It's been a minute since i've had something to vent about so I guess it's about time that I have a little venting sesh. Lately life has been going pretty good, I really haven't had too much to complain about. With school and work and sports and everything going on I haven't had much time to sit and think about my problems and that's how it should be. I've decided being busy is the best way to keep your mind of things you don't want to think about. It doesn't always work, but it really is a big help.
Over the last few weeks there's been a few things crossing through my mind that i've thought about talking about and so tonight I'm finally going to talk about a few of them. probably not all of them though. There's one thing I might mention a little bit and kind of beat around the bush just because I don't know if i'm exactly ready to talk about it. SO....
Number one, I've been thinking about a certain girl a lot lately. It's kind of weird because it's someone I never thought I would be talking to. I don't know what it is about her that keeps sucking me in and wanting to see her and spend time with her. I keep trying to avoid it because i'm almost 100% sure that she doesn't and would never want to be anything more than just friends...which isn't a bad thing. At the same time I hate that every time I talk to her I start getting my hopes up like, "well maybe things could work out," or "Maybe things are different now." I'm really sucky at getting my hopes up and I'm very good at getting my hopes shut down. It makes me feel so dumb for even thinking there might be something there. So girls are stupid and i'm trying not think about them or think about the possibilities and i'm trying to focus on just going on dates to have fun and be friends. Just because I go on a date with someone doesn't mean something has to become of it. This is one thing I suck at again. I was once told the point of dating es to eventually find the person you're going to marry. What would the point be in dating someone if you didn't see it maybe going somewhere. This is why I suck at that. When I ask a girl on a date it's usually because i'm interested in here and wanting to get to know her. Well it takes a few dates to get to know someone and i'm a pretty good judge of character and if I like a girl or not I think haha. So what i'm trying to get at is that i'm not going to just go out and ask a girl out that I feel like I have no interest in, what would be the point in that. Now if I have a friend set me up on a date and I facebook stalk her and I don't think she's my type i'll still go on a date because that's the gentleman thing to do, to not judge before you know someone. So after having said all that I guess what I really mean is that if I ask a girl on a date it's because I could probably see it going somewhere. Obviously it doesn't always work out that way, but this is why I get my hopes up because most girls will at least go on a date with you. So once again I've realized I get my hopes up way to easily and that's something I need to work on. So next time I take out the girl I was talking about before, if I get a chance, i'm going to take her out with intentions to be her friend. If things work out, awesome! if not well at least I didn't get my hopes up to just have them crushed.
Number 2,There's a certain phrase that girls say that really bothers me. I'm not going to say what it is because 100 times out of 100 people mean it in a nice way. But when girls say this certain phrase, it's kind of like a slap in the face to us guys and the girl has no idea. especially coming from a girl you like. It's kind of like when the girl you like calls you cute. That's a terrible thing it's like her saying, "you're cute, but you're just not quite cute enough for me, you're more like monkey cute. everyone thinks monkeys are cute but no one would ever want to date one. So there's just this one phrase that when a girl says it to me, even with the best intentions and really meaning it, it just drives me absolutely crazy. It makes me feel like the biggest piece of crap and like i'm not good enough for anyone.
Number 3 has to go along with my family. I think my probably lies to me more than anyone. Any time anyone starts talking to my brother about getting married they always turn to me and ask me when it's my turn and if i'm dating anyone. When I tell them that, "no i'm not" they always say "well why not? you're just so cute and so fun to be around." That right there has to be the biggest lie i've ever heard! If people really thought I was so fun and so cute then I probably would've had at least one girlfriend in my life time. But guess what? that number still stands at 0. So why is it that only your family says that? it's because it's a lie and they're the only ones that think that.
Number 4, I gotta find a way to gain some weight, nothing has ever freaking worked stupid metabolism. I've decided the type of girls I like, don't like skinny guys, which I've always known. But i've just been thinking about it more lately. girls like the buff athletic guy, especially the type of girls i'm attracted to. Now I've got the athletic part down, I can play pretty much and sport and be pretty good at it, (not trying to brag) I just feel like it's one of my talents is sports. I mean I grew up playing golf, soccer, baseball, basketball. I grew up doing water sports, skiing, snowboarding, I've played tennis, volleyball and I use to wrestle. I was a 4 year starter for soccer in high school, I was a 3 year starter for golf. So give me a sport and I can do it. That's probably my biggest strength and probably why when I'm done with school I want to do something with sports whether it's coaching, or working with athletes, sports is where I need to be. But girls just don't seem to really care about that. They look at me and see a skinny boy and that's the first thing they think is, "I don't want a skinny guy" so they already put me to the side and haven't given me a chance. Girls and guys now days are so shallow. People don't give people chances and it's really irritating. I know from what I said earlier this probably makes me sound like a hypocrite but I really do try to give everyone a chance. i'm not perfect at it, but I know how it feels to be judged before they really know me and it sucks so I really try not to do that to people it's just not fair. Anyway I just realized this whole post is stupid full of me complaining, being stupid and just all the above but I'm to lazy to go back and change some of my thoughts so oh well. Hopefully things keep going up, they seem to be on the up slope, but with life you never know what's going to happen so you just gotta try and enjoy every minute of it.

Sometimes we don't understand.

At the very first of summer I met a very special person. As I got to know her she was someone I could see myself dating and spending time with. She is probably the first maybe the 2nd person I can honestly say I have had feelings for. Anyway after all summer it finally became obvious to me that she wanted to be nothing more than friends. She had just gotten out of a bad relationship and didn't want to be in another one, also she would be moving away after being here for such a short period of time. Even though I knew all she wanted to be was friends, every time I saw her, that smile, heard her laugh talked to her I couldn't help but like her a little bit more. It made it very difficult to hang out with her because I knew that I wasn't what she wanted. I think one of the hardest things in this lifetime is to want and feel things for someone knowing they don't feel the same. Two weeks ago I had the opportunity to take her to the airport. she would be gone visiting a friend for 2 weeks then coming back to logan. Over those 2 weeks I really focused on getting over my feelings, and I thought I had after 2 weeks. I honestly thought I had moved on. Then today happened. Today I picked her up from the airport and we had a drive back to logan and all those feelings I once had from her came rushing back. I tried to put it out of my mind and just move on. But it's easier said than done I guess. As she left my apartment a few minutes ago to head back to Washington, I couldn't help but think about so many different things like, what could've been, how many heart breaks do I have to go through, how many times and for how long am I gunna feel this lonely inside. Is there really someone out there that will make me happy and feel the same way about me that I feel about them.  I couldn't help but cry a little as she left knowing that now it's really over. I'll probably never see her again. I'll never get to spend time with her or just talk to her again. At least not face to face. Now I can't help but wonder how long it'll take before the next girl comes along into my life that I feel this way for. I know that when it comes to girls I'm very picky. That's one of the reasons i've never been in a real relationship before. It seems that all the girls I end up really liking, never feel the same way, they don't even wanna give it a chance. they've all been hurt so many times that they're scared. In a song by Junior Maile called persuade he talks about persuading a girl to take a chance on him and says...."Girl you said to me, that you've been hurt too many times before to be the victim of another man who does not see the gift that you are girl I promise that I can see. It's so hard for me to understand how anyone could be that way, to someone as incredible in every way, your beauty runs further and deeper than they can see. Girl I promise you love and affection, i'll be your comfort i'll be your protection, i'll give you strength when you're weak and I"ll listen when you speak girl. And girl I promise i'll never mislead you, i'll never cheat you i'll never mistreat you, i'll give you strength when you're weak and i'll listen when you speak girl, so tell me how can I persuade you to come with me and place your trust in me, tell me how can I persuade you to come with me, i'll give you everything." I feel like this song describes me perfectly because I always find these amazing girls that I would do anything for, yet they're scared or still hurt, or can't stop thinking about the last guy they dated and how much they want to be with him. I know how hard it is to move on, but if we don't take a chance and move on we might miss out on something that could be incredible. Yes this girl was amazing for me but now I have to move on because I don't wanna miss out on anything. it reminds me of a quote that says, "When one door closes another door opens, but sometimes we spend so much time looking at the door that has closed that we don't see the other one that has opened." Sometimes we don't understand why things don't work out best for us. I'm definitely one of these people. But I know I just need to have faith that God has a better plan for me, that he has someone out there just waiting for me and looking for me, he's just waiting for the right time to put her in my path. I hope this doesn't sound like oh I wanna get married right now because that is definitely not it. Marriage will happen when it happens. I'm not looking to get married right now, but I am looking to date. I want someone that I can spend and share moments with, someone that will always be there for me. even someone I can argue with sometimes. I don't think anyone wants or likes to be lonely and I feel as tho i've been lonely for far too long. I never had a relationship through high school because I was having to much fun dating around and being single plus I knew I was going to go on a mission and didn't want to leave a girl behind for 2 years. But now that i'm back and looking to date it seems as though girls don't want to. It's like girls have become more worried about school and work and careers and being with their friends that they could really care less about dating. Maybe I'm the problem, If I am though I wouldn't even know where to start with what I need to change. I try to always treat a girl with respect. I try to be funny, I try to be myself and those are things I can't just change. I just struggle with being my normal crazy self when i'm around a girl I like, I don't want to do anything stupid in front of her to make her think I'm stupid so I'm a lot more reserved at first when i'm around a girl I could see myself liking. That is something I could definitely work on, it wont be easy but I know it needs to happen. Anyway enough rambling.
I want to thank this girl I was talking about for an unforgettable summer and for the lessons you taught me. It sucks to lose you and knowing some other guy will make you happy, I hope you find him and that you're the happiest person ever. I hope you know you can always come to me if you ever need anything and that i'll always be here for you.
And to the next girl I fall for next lol. I hope you're willing to take a chance on me. Even if you've been hurt before, let me show you something new. Let me be there for you, let me make you laugh and let me tell you how beautiful and amazing you are every day. Even if you don't live close by. If you're willing to take a chance on me i'm willing to take a chance on you and drive as far as I have to so that I can visit you and spend time with you...........LOL that sounded really pathetic and desperate I'm really not desperate...pathetic maybe haha but not desperate but I really do mean those things I said. But enough crying and ranting and being dumb I need to go get my mind off things, I'm out!!

blood is thicker than water

So it's been about two weeks since I last posted and you wouldn't believe how much has happened. Things were crazy, from running on about 10 hours of sleep from one week to going down to cedar city for Derek and Sierra's open house to looking for places to live, it's just been insane. The last couple weeks actually went by pretty good and overall I was a pretty happy person after having been depressed. Well that all changed today.
Since we moved out of our apartment in Logan Landing I've been looking for a new place to live. I've been living with my brother for this month until him and Sierra get married. Well the deal was for me to stay here for most the month and then stay in the apartment for a week until the 21st when they got back from their honeymoon. Well while I was looking at places to live I noticed most places wouldn't let you move in till the end of August. After kind of bringing of the topic to Derek a while ago just about move in dates he said if I needed to stick around a few extra days till my move in date then that would be fine. Well today we found a place and it was official we would be moving in on the 26th, so all I would need is 5 extra days at Derek's place and I figured it would be alright since he had said if I needed a few days I could just stay. So today when I got home Sierra was in the kitchen cleaning and I just kinda talked to her for a second and she said Derek was on his way so I wanted to hang out a little bit to kind of talk to them when he got there. So he gets there and after chatting with them for a bit I bring up the topic and just out of respect I ask them what they thought about me maybe staying 5 extra days just till my move in date. I didn't get the answer I expected. Derek and Sierra looked at each other then Sierra looked at me and said, "No! You can stay here till the 21st but that's it, then you gotta be gone," at first I just kinda laughed thinking she was just joking around but as the conversation progressed I realized quickly that she wasn't. I looked to my brother for a little support and he just looked at me like, "sorry, there's nothing I can do, it's her choice." I just sat there thinking like really? come on you do have somewhat of a say in this. and so I asked them, well what do you suggest I do for 5 days?" Their response was..."take a week off of work and move home to salt lake for a week."........UH ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!!!! How stupid are you? I've already taken like 2 and a half weeks off for all of you wedding stuff to help you guys out, so first of all I have no time to take off, 2nd of all I need money, I can't just not work and expect to be ok and 3rd that would just be ridiculous. So they got me all fired up and I left the room before I started yelling. I went upstairs and sat on my bed and just thought, "how can you do that to your own brother, to family?" it's not like I was asking to move in with them, it's not like I'm just getting out of prison and looking for a place to stay, all I need is a place to sleep for 5 nights till I can move into my place. I sat there and just thought wow, if my brother needed a place to live I would offer it to him in a second in fact I would make sure I was his first choice. But all they could say to me was, "we don't want someone living with us our first week of be married" I just couldn't get that out of my head. it's not like I'm home half the time anyway. I work nights for crying out loud so if they're worried having sex when i'm around that should be the least of their worries. I come home at 5 or 6 in the morning, i'm pretty sure they wont be going all night long every night. I'm sure they'll be done by 5 or 6, then if they wanna do it when they wake up well i'll be out cold. I'm a deep sleeper and would not wake up to that. and by the time I do wake up they're both gone to work! And when I get up, I get ready and leave and i'm with my friends all day. I honestly don't see how you're going to throw your own brother out on the streets for 5 days. I always thought blood was thicker than water. In my eyes family always comes first and I would do anything for anyone of them. I feel like I have sacrificed so much time and money into my brothers wedding helping them get everything ready traveling to places and having to pay all that gas money just so I could be there to support him and this is how he repays me? by kicking me out? wow what a great thing family is. I could never do that to any of my brothers. I looked up to him so much because he always seemed to put family first he always helped me out when I needed it, but when I need it most what happens? I get tossed to the side like i'm no big deal. From this one simple little act, it makes me feel like he doesn't want me in his life and that he could honestly care less about me. It makes me want to not have any part to do with his wedding, I don't wanna be there at all I don't want to show up, I don't want to be in pictures, I just don't want anything to do with it. Why would I want to go to my brothers wedding when it seems as though he just pushed me out of his life. I just don't understand how family can do something like that to each other, it really just boggles my mind and it frustrates me to no end. it's all I could think about all afternoon and night. My own brother, someone I was so close to. someone I did everything with. I just can't even express how angry this makes me. I didn't say one word to him tonight and I don't plan on talking to him for a while. after his wedding I plan on moving out, I plan on not letting him know where I'm moving to, I plan on not going to his work just to say hi and see how he's doing I plan on just staying out of his life like he wants it. I want nothing to do with him. sure i'll go through the motions this weekend, i'll smile and act happy and take pictures, but after that, i'm done. I'm tired of doing things for people, tired of being the nice guy then having the rest of the world treat me like crap. obviously not everyone in the world does but, you know what I mean. It takes quite a bit to get me this angry, I'm not one that is angered easily or often but this just really set me off, I thought brothers were suppose to always be there for each other in times of need. I guess I just always thought that because I knew if my brothers ever needed anything, I would help them out in any way that they needed. Anyway enough rambling on and on. I love my brothers very much and I will still do anything for them, if they ever need help i'll be there even if they haven't always been there for me.

Mixed emotions

These last couple weeks have been kind of interesting. For anyone that doesn't know yet, my brother is getting married here in a couple weeks. As you can imagine there is lots of wedding talk, I see them together all the time kissing and being with each other, sharing things and seeing them begin their lives together. This makes me so happy yet so sad. It makes my emotions go out of control because I don't know what to think. It stresses me out....A lot. Probably more than it should. Here's the problem, I'm so happy for my brother, I love seeing him so happy, probably the happiest he's ever been in his life. I'm so glad he found someone that loves him just as much as he loves her. I love that. I always thought my brother kinda struggled with girls and didn't really know how to act around them that's what makes this so much better is that I don't have to see him suffer with girls anymore. It's just the greatest thing ever, now here's the bad part. My whole life I've had family and friends tell me that they expected me to be married before my brother because I was always such a ladies man. Or now that my brother is getting married all I hear is well jake now it's your turn, or when are you getting married or other things like that. To be honest this drives me nuts. I'm not looking to get married anytime soon. If it happens and I find the right person, well then it happens but i'm not out looking for marriage. However yes I do also wish I could find someone to date. Just someone to spend time with and get to know. Someone to share awesome times with and also share the really hard times with. I don't think anyone likes being alone. Tonight I threw a bachelor party for my brother and it turned out really good. But out of all the guys that were there only me and 1 or 2 others were the only ones not married so as you can imagine we got lots of heat from everyone else telling us to get on the ball. I would think them of all people would understand, then again things seemed to fall into place so easily for them with their wives that maybe they really don't. It's not like I'm not doing my part because I am. I'm putting myself out there like never before, I've been trying to take girls out on dates I've tried to get to know lots of different people, I just seem to have the worst luck in the world. Every time I find a girl that I think I could date, a girl that I start to fall for there's always something that gets in the way that I can't control, whether it be that she can't get over an ex boyfriend, or she doesn't know what she wants, or is just scared of getting into something because of all the times she's been hurt. I always seem to find these girls and I still don't understand why. I start getting to know them and it's all stuff I've heard before yet I think oh maybe she's different, but it never fails, girls just never change. Which really sucks by the way. When it comes to girls I'm very picky so if I fall for her there's usually something pretty special about her. My problem is, is that when I fall, I fall hard. I'm too nice! If I meet someone I can see myself dating or wanting to get to know better I am willing to put everything aside to get to know that person. I'm willing to do anything. But too many people now days have to play the game. well I'm going to wait for him to text me first or I have to be nice then mean to attract them because people always want what they can't have. and it's just all these mind games going on and it's so stupid. I don't understand what's so wrong with liking someone and taking a chance on them. Maybe you've been hurt before maybe you can't stop thinking about your ex but you never know what someone has to offer you until you take a chance on them, it could be the best thing to ever happen to you. Yes i'm guilty of this too sometimes I'm not perfect but i'm working on it. I just think that too many times people are stuck either in the past or thinking about the future too much (I fall into this category) and not often enough to do we just live and love the moment we're in. I really just hate how complicated dating is, it really shouldn't be this hard but we tend to make it as hard as possible. I love my brother and i'm so grateful he found someone to love and that things worked out for him. But I hate waiting around being reminded everyday by others about how I'm still single and probably will be for a while. Sometimes I can't help but think about how great of a day it will be when I finally have that special girl that I can love and take care of for the rest of my life. I can't help but wonder who she is, what she looks like and wonder if she's thinking the same thing about me. I look forward to the day that I meet her and the day we both know we have something special. even tho for now all I want is to date and just have someone around to be with and share experiences with. But for now I just have to be patient and know that the Lord has a plan for me and I just have to have faith it'll all work out in the end. I know once again this was probably just a bunch of rambling, but get use to it because that's probably how everything will be :)

Trying something new

Thanks to one of my good friends Annie Walker I decided it was time I get a blog. I know this isn't something that guys usually do but after thinking about it, I realize this could be a very good thing for me for a couple reasons. First, I'm not very good at expressing myself and I don't really like others knowing how I truly feel, i'm pretty good at putting on a happy face when i'm around people because I don't like to bring them into my problems and add on to theirs, so I figured this would be a good way for me to express myself, to say all the things I really want to say and not have to worry about lots of people knowing how I really feel. Second, this also kind of goes along with the first and that is that I keep things bottled up a lot and I hear that's not very good so i'm using this as a way to get things off my chest to see if it helps bring my stress level down. Third, I don't keep a journal or anything and I figure this is a good way that I can go back and see things that have happened to me and learn from the things I write about. I have a feeling a lot of the things I say are going to have to do with a lot of struggles in my life because that is usually when I feel the biggest need to express myself. However I will try and update about both the good times and the bad. 

               So here I am trying out something new, this is something I have never ever been good at. I don't do well with change and I like things to stay the same......for the most part. But I also believe in being outgoing and trying new things. Especially as of lately since my life has just been a rollercoaster i'll do anything to help me relax. It's funny how things work out, I think back to my high school days and when I would get stressed or upset I would go kick it with some of my very best friends I think most of them know who they are but I still want to recognize them for the huge role they've played in my life. Tyson Matagi, Cole and Brandt Peterson and David Opoulos. Through high school and our first year of college we all had problems and we all got upset and we all relied on each other to be there for one another. Whenever one of us would get upset or something like that, we would go on late night walks. This probably sounds stupid to lots of people but if you've never been on a late night walk you should try it, especially if you're with your best friends. Late at night everything seems to be so peaceful and calm and it really helped us to calm down and just open up to each other. I didn't matter where we walked to but we would just walk and talk and share everything. There were plenty of laughs, plenty of serious moments and even plenty of tears to go with it. I think about this and it's hard because this was such a good way to help me calm down and to not worry about things and just take life as it comes, but as I've grown up things have changed. As I've moved away to college I don't have my best friends here, yes I have plenty of great friends here and people I can talk to and go on walks with, but it's just not the same. These people know a lot about me but not everything like my friends. it's hard for me to open up to anyone that isn't one of those guys I mentioned above. I still go on late night walks, but it is very different when you're doing it by yourself. no one to talk to or tell your inner most feelings to. It's very lonely and sometimes I really wonder why I'm here. I don't regret coming here at all and I love Logan and I know it's part of growing up learning how to handle all the stresses of life, I guess I just didn't expect it to be this hard. But that is why i'm trying something new, a new way to look at life, a new way of expressing myself and a new way of learning. If thats one thing that i've learned it's that change is inevitable, and it's all really how we learn to adapt and deal wit that change. I once heard a saying that says, "Life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you react to it" -Charles Swindoll. It's so true we have a choice everyday how to react to the things going on, if we choose to embrace them and to grow and learn we will be so much better off than thinking, "why me?" We just need to embrace what we're given and keep moving on in this world. Now to be honest I don't know if anything I just said through this whole rambling session made sense to anyone, but it made sense to me and thats the most important thing so that I'm able to look back and remember these exact feelings and how I felt in this exact moment. I know it probably sounds like me whining cuz I miss my friends back home and the moment we shared with each other but I hope thats not the only thing you notice but that you notice the little things like trying something new, and not being scared to do it. I am thankful for my friends up here and for them opening my eyes to a new way of expressing myself and hopefully it helps, we'll give it a shot. Last of all I'm so grateful for every single one of my trials I go through so that I can learn and grow. That doesn't mean that I always like what comes my way, but in the end i'm always grateful for the things I've learned and the person it's shaped me into. I'm grateful for God and the gospel of Jesus Christ and the role it plays in my life and for the knowledge I have the true HAPPINESS comes from living it. Thanks to the atonement of Jesus Christ when times seem so hard that we can't go on, it's nice knowing that he's been there and that we can always rely on him and that with him there is always hope.