The real reason

I'm going to let everyone in on a little secret today... But first anyone that really knows me, knows that I really don't like celebrating my birthday. Many people ask me why and I tell them it's because I don't like all the attention on me. But also if you really know me then you probably know that lots of times I really love to be the center of attention, so how is it that I hate being the center of attention on my birthday? Well here comes the truth, I actually don't mind being the center of attention on my birthday, the thing I don't like about my birthday is not having someone to celebrate it with, and I'm not talking friends or family because they all love to go out and celebrate i'm talking someone special that I can share moments like this with, someone that I can make memories with. The truth is, is that when I go out to celebrate with all my friends or family it really just makes me feel extra lonely knowing that I don't have someone to celebrate special moments like that with. That's the real reason I don't like my birthday....right now. I'm sure one day when I have someone to celebrate with then I wont dislike my birthday so much, I really just hate going out and seeing all my friends with someone and I know they're all there for me to celebrate me, but it really does just make me feel more lonely. Of course that's not something you go around telling your friends, so for now, everyone will just continue to think that I don't like being the center of attention and only the select few of you that read this will know the truth and I hope to be able to share this secret with someone special one day and she can know how happy she makes me to have her in my life and to be able to share special moments with her. So there it is, my secret. My real reason for not liking to celebrate my birthday.....for now.

Letting go is never easy

I really really don't get it. They say things always get worse before they get better. I feel things always get worse then kind of even out then they get worse again but I don't feel like things actually get, "better." I just don't understand and it's very frustrating. I've been trying to date this girl, and it's going through the exact same motion that i've already gone through a million different times with any other girl. I took her on a date last week and just had an absolute blast! In person I have so much fun with her and it feels like she's having fun with me. But then as soon as the date ends then I don't hear from her or I try to talk to her and she's short with me and then she starts to bail on me when you ask her to do something, I just hate that I can go out with these girls and have so much fun and start to really enjoy being around them and then have them just put me on the back burner like it's no big deal, and I just don't get why would you go out with someone if you have no interest in them? Are girls really that shallow that they'll go out with someone because they want a free meal or because the date sounds fun but they really don't want to spend time with that person. I feel like it's very rude. If you're not interested in me then tell me so I can take someone else out on a date that might actually want to spend time with me. It just really sucks and I know i've said that probably about a million times but I just don't know how else to describe it. I go out on dates with these girls and I feel like it's because they want to spend time with me and get to know me and they always seem to be so fun that I start to like them. It makes me feel like for once, things are finally going my way and working out and then it's like NOOOOOOPE!! gotch ya again. I fall for it every single time. I swear every time it hurts worse too. I think it's because i'm getting older and I am to the point where i'm looking for something and just to have things not work out again, it just gets more and more painful. Just once I would like for things to go my way. I know know I always complain about this and everyone has heard it a million times and i'm not looking for sympathy or anything....I just, I dunno, it is what it is I guess. I guess I just need to have more faith that things are working out the way they're suppose to and I just need to believe that things will work out for the best even tho for the moment they don't feel like it. I just need to have a more positive attitude on life in general and realize how much I do have and that there really are so many people that love and care about me and I just need to remember that.

New Year 2013

     As I sit her thinking, I don't really know where to start. I have so many different, thoughts, feelings and emotions running through my head right now. I'm sitting here in my apartment all by myself. I sit here sobbing like a little kid. tears uncontrollably running down my cheeks. There are 4 reasons for this. 1st- I'm realizing and thinking about all that I have and how grateful I am for everything I have in my life and how truly blessed I am. 2- I'm thinking about all my new year resolutions and how badly I want to make them happen. I've never been one to make resolutions this year but I feel like this is something I need to do at this time. I'll go into more detail a little later about them. 3rd- I'm thinking about the gospel and my faith and where I was a few years ago and where I am now, and just how much growing I need to do and how much better I need to be. And 4th last but not least, sometimes a good cry is needed. I don't remember the last time I just sat and cried. It's not something I really like confessing, but sometimes if feels good just to let everything out, after always trying to be so strong and put all the good, bad and the ugly behind you and move on sometimes a cry is needed. I'm not afraid to admit I cry though. It's not something I like or want everyone to know but I really am a big softy.
     I think to start off I want to go over some of my goals and ambitions for this year and kind of mix it in with some other thoughts and feelings, I guess we'll just see where it goes from here. First of all, I want to be more open. I feel like I'm very quiet and shy and I don't open up to people easily, not even my family. But I want to try harder to just talk to people and say hi and smile and just be more friendly and outgoing with those around me.
     Next, I want to be closer with my friends and family. I feel like this is something I'm pretty good at but there's always room for improvement. I want them to know that they can count on me and trust me to always be there for them.
    3rd, I want to have or be in a relationship. I've never had one as we all know. I'm starting to get older and I think it's time for me to get going in that direction. I want to find someone so I can stop feeling so lonely. someone I can count on and that can count on me. Someone I can share special moments with, have fun and get through hard times with. it's always easier when you have someone to lean on. I think it's time.
    4th, I want to be, a better student. I've kind of put being a better student on the back burner and just kind of floated my way through school, but now that I have direction and a destination I know what I need to do, I need to buckle down and study and work hard, so that I can become someone and not just be another average person. I want to make something of myself and go places I don't want to barely survive and live paycheck to paycheck. That's no life and I want to be able to support a family. I want to graduate and get a college degree.
     5th- I need to be better in my faith. I need and want to be better about going to church, reading my scriptures and just having faith in the Lord that everything will work out for my benefit. I know the feelings I have when I do what's right and and I want to constantly be having those feelings around me. I know when I do what's right everything else will fall into place.
    I do have a few other more personal goals I want to and need to work on but I feel that they're things that shouldn't be shouldn't be shared for just anyone to read, but things that only I and maybe a girlfriend or fiance or wife should know about. life goals and things such as that. but that's about all I'm gunna say and just leave it at that.
     Those are a few of the main things i'm looking at working on for 2013. I hope that they wont be something that I just forget about and it becomes a memory, but something that I really really strive to do and hopefully i'll be blessed and that things will start to fall in place and maybe get some unexpected blessings along the way. I hope to meet lots of new friends and gain close friendships and that I can hopefully help some people along the way. "Life isn't meant to be endured, it's meant to be lived." I hope I can finally learn to live and not endure life.So here's to 2013 and to making it better than last year, here's to making me a better person and helping those around me be better also.