she's like a tall glass of lemonade

I don't even know where to start, it's been so long since i've written anything. I guess I've been so busy that I just haven't wanted to, and I think a part of me just hasn't wanted to because it's not like anyone really reads this. It's more just a way for me to get all my feeling out there and hoping that it helps. Which it does but sometimes it would just be nice to have someone that I can really count on to talk and get advice from. It's been almost a year since i've done anything on here and so much has happened and life has just been a roller coaster, full of it's ups and downs and all the twists and turns. I just never know what to expect anymore. You would think I would think that I would start learning and seeing how things work but really I keep making the same mistakes over and over and when it comes to girls...they just don't change. I fall for a girl and it's always the same thing and I just don't learn. My real problem is that I just care about people way to much, I let people in easily and I would do anything for people even if they wouldn't for me. It allows people to walk all over me and take advantage of me but most of all it just allows me to be hurt really easily. When I fall for someone I fall hard, I don't know any other way into a relationship of any kind (whether its dating or just friends) than to go all out, give it everything I have in hope that people will do the same. I think one of the problems with the world today is that when people find something good they let it go because it scares them. I think people don't want to let a good thing in because they're scared of losing it and they're scared it'll hurt when and if they do. That is really one of the things that I can think of and hope for. I hope people don't want to be with me or date me because they're scared of how well they're treated and scared of losing that. I just wish I could find someone brave enough to grab on and embrace it and let me treat them right. I don't know, maybe i'm completely blind and I just have a million things wrong with me that I can't see. But I am tired of being told that I am good enough and then having them say but I don't want to date you.....It just doesn't make sense, how could be with the person that has everything you want and not want to be with them!! Fear...That's the only thing that comes to mind. I don't know, maybe it's fear of the unknown, fear of getting hurt, or the fear of actually falling in love. Maybe we think we're too young or too old or not ready and all those things scare us. But we have to be willing to take a chance when something good comes into our life.I know I get scared a lot with certain people so I back away and then a few months later I'm kicking myself in the butt because I let a good thing slip away and I wish I hadn't. For the first time in my life i'm facing a fear of mine. I've been hanging out with a girl and the more I hang out with her the more I care about her. She told me that she wasn't exactly looking to steady date which usually means she's just not interested. With her something feels different though. She said she still wants to talk and still hang out and go out and do things with each other. Usually when I hear this i'm just like ok i'm done with this, i'm not even going to try. But for some reason I couldn't do that with her. So I put my fears aside and I told her to go out and date other people, for the first time probably ever, i'm putting my faith in things and letting her go off and do her own thing and date other guys, and I can only hope that when she does go out and date that she might see qualities in me that these other guys are missing and I can only hope that it'll make her want to spend more time with me. I don't want to rush into anything, I'm not looking to get super serious super fast, all I know is that when I spend time with her, I can't stop smiling, my heart races and everything just feels good. I don't know that I'll ever be able to tell her those things which kind of sucks to think about but all I know is that I love that feeling and I just don't want it to end too soon. She's probably getting sick of me asking her to hang out all the time ha but can you blame me when I get those type of feelings when i'm with her? It's just weird, i've never been so honest and open with anyone either...obviously I'm not a big talker and there's probably a lot I haven't said but I have been more open than I usually am with people, it makes me feel very very vulnerable and it's not really something I like doing but it just happens with her. Anyway.....I should probably get going to bed, it's late and I've done enough rambling and I've probably said a whole lot more than I should've. So until next time, hopefully it wont be another year and hopefully things will just keep getting better. You just gotta keep looking ahead with faith and hoping for the best.