Who I Am With You

Well, it's been a minute since I've been on here which I guess it means it's time to get all my feelings out. I only seem to get on here everyone 5, 6 or 7 months and that's because that's how long it usually takes for me to find a girl i'm interested in... Well this story isn't going to be like a lot of the rest because this one hasn't quite ended yet. I'm not sure if it's going anywhere or not, but I would like to think that there is a chance. I've met and tried to date a lot of really cool girls...But this one, this one is really different. I may have said that about some of the others but this one really is. I don't know how to describe what it is about her and maybe it's because when we first started hanging out I wasn't looking to date her. I just wanted to be friends with her because my emotions were kind of stuck on another girl. But over the last couple weeks, we've been hanging out a little bit, and I don't know how she does it, but she just has this way of sucking me in and making me want to spend more time with her. I didn't even want to go to an Aggie basketball game because I was wanting to spend time with her...she's just incredible and she's a really good girl and she has her head on straight. I just smile when I think about her. The only problem is that i'm thinking too much...I do this every time and it ends up biting me in the butt. It scares me that I'm starting to do this with her! I hate admitting that. It scares me that about already developing feelings for her because all I want to do is spend time with her and I know that's not at the top of her list. Over the last week and a half things have been a little different with her. At first we were talking all the time and hanging out and thats slowly slipping away...at least it feels like it, I don't really know if it is, or if it's just me starting to over think things and make things seem that way. I really don't want to ruin things with her. The person that i've been over the last couple has surprised me. Just the little bit that i've been around her has made me a better person. She makes me want to be better and to work harder, I don't know if i'll ever get the chance to tell her that. I think a lot of that comes from her strength, this girl has been through so much in the last little bit that it just blows my mind how strong she is. She was in a very serious relationship....she was basically engaged to a guy and things just didn't work out. I can't even imagine having to go through something like that. To be in love and to think you've found the person that you're going to spend eternity with just to have it all end. The way she has pushed through that is amazing. I know that experience has made her stronger and i'm sure she's learned a lot and will continue to learn from that, but her strength just inspires me so much to be a better person. To have the faith that she has that even though things didn't work out and to know that God has a plan for her and that she'll be ok.. I just don't even have the words to describe how amazing that is or how that affects me. Just being around her I want to be better. It scares me to think that I may never get to keep hanging out with her and get to know her as well as I would like because of what she's gone through and is going through. I can only hope that she'll let down her wall enough to really give me a chance and see what happens. I know it's scary... it's scary for me too, but sometimes we have to just let go of our fears and see what happens. Yes that makes us vulnerable to getting hurt and pain but it also can do the opposite. Anyway, to end this I just want to play a song that reminds me of her and how I feel when I'm around her. It's by Chris Young and it's called, "who I am With You."

The Next Chapter

     So it's been a while since i've written here and so I guess it's about time to update everyone on what's been going on. and by everyone I mean myself since no one really reads this anyway, it's just time to vent.

     After the last girl I decided I really was just sick of dating and didn't want to do it anymore, I was so tired of all the mind games and being led on and all that, that goes with it. It was just frustrating and and exhausting and needless to say I was just over it all. Of course once you get comfortable things tend to change. I had been fine with being single and not really being interested in anyone and then it happened. I met a really really cool girl. It wasn't love at first sight, in fact at first I thought she was just really cool and would be a really cool friend. But over the next week we kept hanging out and just having a good time together. It was great, I really enjoyed it. There was something really different about her that I had never seen in the other girls I've dated and I think this is what caught me and made me really interested in her. That was that she actually would text me and talk to me first, she would call me and invite me to do stuff with her and I actually felt wanted and appreciated which was something that I had never had before in the other girls that I dated. As we started to hang out things moved pretty fast, I didn't expect them to move that fast at all especially since I wasn't looking for a relationship and I also knew that she would be moving in a month back to school clear on the other side of the country. But as we hung out more and more I couldn't help but develop feeling for her. We had our first kiss which probably also happened a little fast and kind of unexpected for both of us I think. I'm pretty sure this scared her pretty bad, because after that I could tell she felt a little guilty for it happening. As we talked about things she had told me she felt bad because she didn't want to get attached because she knew she would be leaving soon. However after talking a little more we decided to keep dating over the next couple weeks and see what would happen. Over the next couple weeks we grew closer, at least I did and I thought she was growing closer to me. We even spent the weekend at my parents house where she met my family and we went to church on Sunday. Before she met my family I could tell she was worried because I had never taken a girl home to meet my parents before and I could tell she didn't want them to think we were serious. I didn't want them to think we were serious either because we weren't, still this may have no been the best idea. I'm pretty sure this scared the crap out of her and I don't know, I think maybe she just thought it was all moving too fast. In a way I can see that but at the same time I didn't want things to move fast and I didn't want her to think I was trying to make things move fast, I just really wanted to be open with her and let her in my life to see what it was like. I was terrified of bringing her home because I was scared of what she might think of me after and I was scared that she would think that it was a lot more serious than it was. But backing up just a little bit she had been gone during the week to her brothers graduation from dental school and she was flying in saturday. She had asked me to pick her up and that's why we were down in salt lake for the weekend. Anyway, all I know is that when I picked her up from the airport everything just seemed right. She seemed so happy to see me and be with me and I thought to myself, "wow, this is what it's like to actually be wanted by someone." everything about it felt right. We went to dinner and then out on a date and then we spent that night watching a movie and cuddling. For a second I could have sworn that I saw into the future. Everything about this moment is indescribable. I can't say how right everything felt about it and how I couldn't want anything more. I was with someone i was starting to care so much for and it seemed that the feeling was mutual. I could see myself wanting this in a relationship. Then there was one more thing that impressed me more than anything I had ever seen from a girl before. as I was showing her to where she was going to sleep she said she needed to pray and asked me to kneel and say my prayers while she said hers... I was shocked and thought to myself that what more could you want in a girl, not only does she have so many amazing qualities but she has the most important quality of them all and that is her love for God. I couldn't help but think what an amazing example she was to me right then and there and I couldn't help but think what an amazing wife and mother she's going to make. Girls like that don't come a long everyday. After seeing that, I couldn't imagine not getting to know this girl and I found myself wanting her around in my life because someone like her will make you a better a person not only in your everyday life, but in the gospel as well. I think that moment was the closest I have ever come to being in love. I don't know what love is like because I can't say i've never been in love, but i'm sure it was not too far from that. The weekend would only get better the next morning when we went to church together and again I couldn't help but ponder on life and this girl all during sacrament meeting. I know she probably thought I was sleeping the whole time, but how could I with this amazing girl right next to me and thats about where all the happiness ends for me. We had dinner with my family and then we headed back to Logan. As soon as we got in the car I could tell something was different. She was quiet the whole car ride home, I've learned that when a girl is quiet she has lots on her mind and that something is probably bugging her. I tried to hold her hand and nothing this is when I started to get worried. I think that weekend scared her way bad. I don't know if she was scared of the fact that everything seemed to good to be true and that in reality she was falling for me, but was scared that she was moving soon. Maybe it could have been that there were other guys she was talking to, or that she realized I wasn't what she wanted, I really don't know what it was. Over the next few weeks things were just different and not the same, she wasn't texting me as much, she would be in Logan but wouldn't call to hang out and she just seemed to have lost interest. I guess I just wasn't what she was looking for. That's what hurts the most. The fact that everything seemed like it was going good and then it's like a flip switched and she just wasn't interested. I had fallen for her and I couldn't help but want to spend time with her and be with her and get to know her and let her get to know me. I knew she was moving soon but I was and am willing to do whatever I had to, to keep her in my life because I can see the kind of person she is and is going to be. We've talked a little bit since she's moved away and she's said she just wants to be friends which really really sucks for me because I make a terrible friend once i've dated a girl. I just don't know how to be friends with someone like that because I can never get rid of those feelings that I had. Every time we talk, or snapchat or text, my mind always goes back to a couple moments. I think about the time we went to the Brigham city temple and went to watch the sunset after and that's when she told me I gave her butterflies and then I think back to that weekend at my parents house because of the feelings I gained for her that night.I don't think I can ever forget those feelings and that's what makes it so hard to friends with her. She did say when she moved back we could see where things were at and maybe try, but from my experience this is a girls way of saying that she wants to keep you in the friend zone and that way she can keep you around till she gets back and then when she does get back she wont want to try because she's just not interested or because by then you're such good friends that you're basically stuck in the friend zone. So that's kind of how i'm taking this unfortunately. I wish I could believe her and think that she might want to try when she gets back but just from all my bad experiences, I just don't see it working. It hurts to think that that's how it's going to be and it puts me in kind of an awkward situation. I want to trust her and believe what she's saying and that makes me want to wait for her to get back to try it out because I know how amazing she is. At the same time i'm not a trusting person and since i've heard this before I don't want to to wait for her to get back just to say she doesn't want to try with me because she's not interested. I don't know if that makes any sense but it just makes it really hard for me. She's the most amazing person I've ever met and I hope she knows how much I care about it and how much it hurts to lose her. I can only hope and pray that one day she'll give me a chance. I pray for her every night, something i've never done before.. I mean, i've always prayed for my family and loved ones but to actually pray for someone you care about is so much different.I want her to be happy and I wish so bad that I could be the one to make her happy, I wish I could make her laugh everyday and see her smile. She has one of the most amazing smiles I've ever seen. And I wish I could give her those butterflies she once felt with me. I hope one day she wont be scared or that she'll trust in me enough to face her fears with and that I can face my fears with her. I don't feel so scared when i'm with her and everything in the world just seems right. She makes me a better person, more trusting and loyal and true, but most importantly she makes me more faithful in life and the gospel. Now you all can see why it's so hard to lose this girl. She's just so perfect, and while she may think she has many flaws, I think her flaws are beautiful and and I would take her flaws over anything else in this world. And so now you all can see how lonely and lost I am, this were all the reasons I stopped dating in the first place, I always end up hurt and it sucks to lose someone you have grown to care about.