At the very first of summer I met a very special person. As I got to know her she was someone I could see myself dating and spending time with. She is probably the first maybe the 2nd person I can honestly say I have had feelings for. Anyway after all summer it finally became obvious to me that she wanted to be nothing more than friends. She had just gotten out of a bad relationship and didn't want to be in another one, also she would be moving away after being here for such a short period of time. Even though I knew all she wanted to be was friends, every time I saw her, that smile, heard her laugh talked to her I couldn't help but like her a little bit more. It made it very difficult to hang out with her because I knew that I wasn't what she wanted. I think one of the hardest things in this lifetime is to want and feel things for someone knowing they don't feel the same. Two weeks ago I had the opportunity to take her to the airport. she would be gone visiting a friend for 2 weeks then coming back to logan. Over those 2 weeks I really focused on getting over my feelings, and I thought I had after 2 weeks. I honestly thought I had moved on. Then today happened. Today I picked her up from the airport and we had a drive back to logan and all those feelings I once had from her came rushing back. I tried to put it out of my mind and just move on. But it's easier said than done I guess. As she left my apartment a few minutes ago to head back to Washington, I couldn't help but think about so many different things like, what could've been, how many heart breaks do I have to go through, how many times and for how long am I gunna feel this lonely inside. Is there really someone out there that will make me happy and feel the same way about me that I feel about them. I couldn't help but cry a little as she left knowing that now it's really over. I'll probably never see her again. I'll never get to spend time with her or just talk to her again. At least not face to face. Now I can't help but wonder how long it'll take before the next girl comes along into my life that I feel this way for. I know that when it comes to girls I'm very picky. That's one of the reasons i've never been in a real relationship before. It seems that all the girls I end up really liking, never feel the same way, they don't even wanna give it a chance. they've all been hurt so many times that they're scared. In a song by Junior Maile called persuade he talks about persuading a girl to take a chance on him and says...."Girl you said to me, that you've been hurt too many times before to be the victim of another man who does not see the gift that you are girl I promise that I can see. It's so hard for me to understand how anyone could be that way, to someone as incredible in every way, your beauty runs further and deeper than they can see. Girl I promise you love and affection, i'll be your comfort i'll be your protection, i'll give you strength when you're weak and I"ll listen when you speak girl. And girl I promise i'll never mislead you, i'll never cheat you i'll never mistreat you, i'll give you strength when you're weak and i'll listen when you speak girl, so tell me how can I persuade you to come with me and place your trust in me, tell me how can I persuade you to come with me, i'll give you everything." I feel like this song describes me perfectly because I always find these amazing girls that I would do anything for, yet they're scared or still hurt, or can't stop thinking about the last guy they dated and how much they want to be with him. I know how hard it is to move on, but if we don't take a chance and move on we might miss out on something that could be incredible. Yes this girl was amazing for me but now I have to move on because I don't wanna miss out on anything. it reminds me of a quote that says, "When one door closes another door opens, but sometimes we spend so much time looking at the door that has closed that we don't see the other one that has opened." Sometimes we don't understand why things don't work out best for us. I'm definitely one of these people. But I know I just need to have faith that God has a better plan for me, that he has someone out there just waiting for me and looking for me, he's just waiting for the right time to put her in my path. I hope this doesn't sound like oh I wanna get married right now because that is definitely not it. Marriage will happen when it happens. I'm not looking to get married right now, but I am looking to date. I want someone that I can spend and share moments with, someone that will always be there for me. even someone I can argue with sometimes. I don't think anyone wants or likes to be lonely and I feel as tho i've been lonely for far too long. I never had a relationship through high school because I was having to much fun dating around and being single plus I knew I was going to go on a mission and didn't want to leave a girl behind for 2 years. But now that i'm back and looking to date it seems as though girls don't want to. It's like girls have become more worried about school and work and careers and being with their friends that they could really care less about dating. Maybe I'm the problem, If I am though I wouldn't even know where to start with what I need to change. I try to always treat a girl with respect. I try to be funny, I try to be myself and those are things I can't just change. I just struggle with being my normal crazy self when i'm around a girl I like, I don't want to do anything stupid in front of her to make her think I'm stupid so I'm a lot more reserved at first when i'm around a girl I could see myself liking. That is something I could definitely work on, it wont be easy but I know it needs to happen. Anyway enough rambling.
I want to thank this girl I was talking about for an unforgettable summer and for the lessons you taught me. It sucks to lose you and knowing some other guy will make you happy, I hope you find him and that you're the happiest person ever. I hope you know you can always come to me if you ever need anything and that i'll always be here for you.
And to the next girl I fall for next lol. I hope you're willing to take a chance on me. Even if you've been hurt before, let me show you something new. Let me be there for you, let me make you laugh and let me tell you how beautiful and amazing you are every day. Even if you don't live close by. If you're willing to take a chance on me i'm willing to take a chance on you and drive as far as I have to so that I can visit you and spend time with you...........LOL that sounded really pathetic and desperate I'm really not desperate...pathetic maybe haha but not desperate but I really do mean those things I said. But enough crying and ranting and being dumb I need to go get my mind off things, I'm out!!
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
blood is thicker than water
So it's been about two weeks since I last posted and you wouldn't believe how much has happened. Things were crazy, from running on about 10 hours of sleep from one week to going down to cedar city for Derek and Sierra's open house to looking for places to live, it's just been insane. The last couple weeks actually went by pretty good and overall I was a pretty happy person after having been depressed. Well that all changed today.
Since we moved out of our apartment in Logan Landing I've been looking for a new place to live. I've been living with my brother for this month until him and Sierra get married. Well the deal was for me to stay here for most the month and then stay in the apartment for a week until the 21st when they got back from their honeymoon. Well while I was looking at places to live I noticed most places wouldn't let you move in till the end of August. After kind of bringing of the topic to Derek a while ago just about move in dates he said if I needed to stick around a few extra days till my move in date then that would be fine. Well today we found a place and it was official we would be moving in on the 26th, so all I would need is 5 extra days at Derek's place and I figured it would be alright since he had said if I needed a few days I could just stay. So today when I got home Sierra was in the kitchen cleaning and I just kinda talked to her for a second and she said Derek was on his way so I wanted to hang out a little bit to kind of talk to them when he got there. So he gets there and after chatting with them for a bit I bring up the topic and just out of respect I ask them what they thought about me maybe staying 5 extra days just till my move in date. I didn't get the answer I expected. Derek and Sierra looked at each other then Sierra looked at me and said, "No! You can stay here till the 21st but that's it, then you gotta be gone," at first I just kinda laughed thinking she was just joking around but as the conversation progressed I realized quickly that she wasn't. I looked to my brother for a little support and he just looked at me like, "sorry, there's nothing I can do, it's her choice." I just sat there thinking like really? come on you do have somewhat of a say in this. and so I asked them, well what do you suggest I do for 5 days?" Their response was..."take a week off of work and move home to salt lake for a week."........UH ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!!!! How stupid are you? I've already taken like 2 and a half weeks off for all of you wedding stuff to help you guys out, so first of all I have no time to take off, 2nd of all I need money, I can't just not work and expect to be ok and 3rd that would just be ridiculous. So they got me all fired up and I left the room before I started yelling. I went upstairs and sat on my bed and just thought, "how can you do that to your own brother, to family?" it's not like I was asking to move in with them, it's not like I'm just getting out of prison and looking for a place to stay, all I need is a place to sleep for 5 nights till I can move into my place. I sat there and just thought wow, if my brother needed a place to live I would offer it to him in a second in fact I would make sure I was his first choice. But all they could say to me was, "we don't want someone living with us our first week of be married" I just couldn't get that out of my head. it's not like I'm home half the time anyway. I work nights for crying out loud so if they're worried having sex when i'm around that should be the least of their worries. I come home at 5 or 6 in the morning, i'm pretty sure they wont be going all night long every night. I'm sure they'll be done by 5 or 6, then if they wanna do it when they wake up well i'll be out cold. I'm a deep sleeper and would not wake up to that. and by the time I do wake up they're both gone to work! And when I get up, I get ready and leave and i'm with my friends all day. I honestly don't see how you're going to throw your own brother out on the streets for 5 days. I always thought blood was thicker than water. In my eyes family always comes first and I would do anything for anyone of them. I feel like I have sacrificed so much time and money into my brothers wedding helping them get everything ready traveling to places and having to pay all that gas money just so I could be there to support him and this is how he repays me? by kicking me out? wow what a great thing family is. I could never do that to any of my brothers. I looked up to him so much because he always seemed to put family first he always helped me out when I needed it, but when I need it most what happens? I get tossed to the side like i'm no big deal. From this one simple little act, it makes me feel like he doesn't want me in his life and that he could honestly care less about me. It makes me want to not have any part to do with his wedding, I don't wanna be there at all I don't want to show up, I don't want to be in pictures, I just don't want anything to do with it. Why would I want to go to my brothers wedding when it seems as though he just pushed me out of his life. I just don't understand how family can do something like that to each other, it really just boggles my mind and it frustrates me to no end. it's all I could think about all afternoon and night. My own brother, someone I was so close to. someone I did everything with. I just can't even express how angry this makes me. I didn't say one word to him tonight and I don't plan on talking to him for a while. after his wedding I plan on moving out, I plan on not letting him know where I'm moving to, I plan on not going to his work just to say hi and see how he's doing I plan on just staying out of his life like he wants it. I want nothing to do with him. sure i'll go through the motions this weekend, i'll smile and act happy and take pictures, but after that, i'm done. I'm tired of doing things for people, tired of being the nice guy then having the rest of the world treat me like crap. obviously not everyone in the world does but, you know what I mean. It takes quite a bit to get me this angry, I'm not one that is angered easily or often but this just really set me off, I thought brothers were suppose to always be there for each other in times of need. I guess I just always thought that because I knew if my brothers ever needed anything, I would help them out in any way that they needed. Anyway enough rambling on and on. I love my brothers very much and I will still do anything for them, if they ever need help i'll be there even if they haven't always been there for me.
Since we moved out of our apartment in Logan Landing I've been looking for a new place to live. I've been living with my brother for this month until him and Sierra get married. Well the deal was for me to stay here for most the month and then stay in the apartment for a week until the 21st when they got back from their honeymoon. Well while I was looking at places to live I noticed most places wouldn't let you move in till the end of August. After kind of bringing of the topic to Derek a while ago just about move in dates he said if I needed to stick around a few extra days till my move in date then that would be fine. Well today we found a place and it was official we would be moving in on the 26th, so all I would need is 5 extra days at Derek's place and I figured it would be alright since he had said if I needed a few days I could just stay. So today when I got home Sierra was in the kitchen cleaning and I just kinda talked to her for a second and she said Derek was on his way so I wanted to hang out a little bit to kind of talk to them when he got there. So he gets there and after chatting with them for a bit I bring up the topic and just out of respect I ask them what they thought about me maybe staying 5 extra days just till my move in date. I didn't get the answer I expected. Derek and Sierra looked at each other then Sierra looked at me and said, "No! You can stay here till the 21st but that's it, then you gotta be gone," at first I just kinda laughed thinking she was just joking around but as the conversation progressed I realized quickly that she wasn't. I looked to my brother for a little support and he just looked at me like, "sorry, there's nothing I can do, it's her choice." I just sat there thinking like really? come on you do have somewhat of a say in this. and so I asked them, well what do you suggest I do for 5 days?" Their response was..."take a week off of work and move home to salt lake for a week."........UH ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!!!! How stupid are you? I've already taken like 2 and a half weeks off for all of you wedding stuff to help you guys out, so first of all I have no time to take off, 2nd of all I need money, I can't just not work and expect to be ok and 3rd that would just be ridiculous. So they got me all fired up and I left the room before I started yelling. I went upstairs and sat on my bed and just thought, "how can you do that to your own brother, to family?" it's not like I was asking to move in with them, it's not like I'm just getting out of prison and looking for a place to stay, all I need is a place to sleep for 5 nights till I can move into my place. I sat there and just thought wow, if my brother needed a place to live I would offer it to him in a second in fact I would make sure I was his first choice. But all they could say to me was, "we don't want someone living with us our first week of be married" I just couldn't get that out of my head. it's not like I'm home half the time anyway. I work nights for crying out loud so if they're worried having sex when i'm around that should be the least of their worries. I come home at 5 or 6 in the morning, i'm pretty sure they wont be going all night long every night. I'm sure they'll be done by 5 or 6, then if they wanna do it when they wake up well i'll be out cold. I'm a deep sleeper and would not wake up to that. and by the time I do wake up they're both gone to work! And when I get up, I get ready and leave and i'm with my friends all day. I honestly don't see how you're going to throw your own brother out on the streets for 5 days. I always thought blood was thicker than water. In my eyes family always comes first and I would do anything for anyone of them. I feel like I have sacrificed so much time and money into my brothers wedding helping them get everything ready traveling to places and having to pay all that gas money just so I could be there to support him and this is how he repays me? by kicking me out? wow what a great thing family is. I could never do that to any of my brothers. I looked up to him so much because he always seemed to put family first he always helped me out when I needed it, but when I need it most what happens? I get tossed to the side like i'm no big deal. From this one simple little act, it makes me feel like he doesn't want me in his life and that he could honestly care less about me. It makes me want to not have any part to do with his wedding, I don't wanna be there at all I don't want to show up, I don't want to be in pictures, I just don't want anything to do with it. Why would I want to go to my brothers wedding when it seems as though he just pushed me out of his life. I just don't understand how family can do something like that to each other, it really just boggles my mind and it frustrates me to no end. it's all I could think about all afternoon and night. My own brother, someone I was so close to. someone I did everything with. I just can't even express how angry this makes me. I didn't say one word to him tonight and I don't plan on talking to him for a while. after his wedding I plan on moving out, I plan on not letting him know where I'm moving to, I plan on not going to his work just to say hi and see how he's doing I plan on just staying out of his life like he wants it. I want nothing to do with him. sure i'll go through the motions this weekend, i'll smile and act happy and take pictures, but after that, i'm done. I'm tired of doing things for people, tired of being the nice guy then having the rest of the world treat me like crap. obviously not everyone in the world does but, you know what I mean. It takes quite a bit to get me this angry, I'm not one that is angered easily or often but this just really set me off, I thought brothers were suppose to always be there for each other in times of need. I guess I just always thought that because I knew if my brothers ever needed anything, I would help them out in any way that they needed. Anyway enough rambling on and on. I love my brothers very much and I will still do anything for them, if they ever need help i'll be there even if they haven't always been there for me.
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