I don't know what it was about today, but just everything has been bad! I don't even know if I can express how i'm feeling right now because I'm so frustrated. I'm so frustrated with myself and some of the things that I let happen over the last week that I should have a lot more control over. I just give in too easy, it's that nice guy in me coming out. Unfortunately for me I can't just change that. I let people in too easily.
I think a lot has to do with the fact that i'm pretty much the only one stuck in Logan this weekend. All my friends are on awesome trips or going on awesome trips and I guess I just feel kind of left out....even though I shouldn't because I'm going on an awesome trip in April. I guess it just has to do with the fact that I'm not going with all my friends and that they're all out there having this awesome time with each other and that I'm just kind of missing out on everything. I think another huge part is that I don't exactly have a set group of friends anymore and I'm just kind of a wanderer. A lot of my friends that I use to hang out with all love to party and drink and stuff and that's cool if that's what they like to do, but I'm kind of over all that and I don't like to be around it all the time. Then there's this other group of friends I hang out with but they're all girls, which isn't bad, it just makes it hard ya know, I don't know if that exactly makes sense. I guess it's like when I'm around them and they're all talking about these hot guys or something I don't really know what to say or I dunno I just feel dumb around them sometimes is what i'm trying to say. Then last of all there's another group of friends but they're all couples, so you can imagine how it is being around them since i'm not exactly dating anyone. I get a lot of crap for that and that just gets kind of old because i'm pretty sure everyone in the world gives you crap for that...at least everyone in Utah. So I think just kind of sitting around thinking about these things is kind of what put me in not really a bad mood but just not a good one. Then later today the one person I can always count on, wasn't exactly there for me. that would be my brother. I knew he was in town and I needed to talk to him about some things that had happened this week just to get his opinion on them and just to kind of vent but he pretty much blew me off so it didn't help that, that one person who is always there, wasn't there.
So after reading about all this stuff that i've just wrote I think that the real reason i've been so off today is just that feeling of lonliness. A feeling of someone wanting or needing me around I guess I just haven't felt like that in a while and it all just kind of hit today, or maybe it's because I felt that someone did want me or need me around over this last week then today they were just like ehh never mind I think I'm good and it makes that feeling feel 10 times worse than it originally would. Maybe i'm just being dumb and misreading situations and just letting my emotions get the best of me. There's a few other things that happened that just caused this train wreck of emotions from me, but I just don't have the energy to talk about it all right now so this little rant will have to be continued later on.
