mixed signals

After not having been worrying about dating for a while or anything, I finally decided to give it another shot. I realize it's only been a few months but that was exactly what I needed. A friend of mine introduced me to his sister a few weeks ago and I thought she was very beautiful and after talking to her she was very down to earth and just nice and I could just tell she was a good person, needless to say I wanted to take her out. Well unfortunately she lives in Provo so I didn't know when I would get a chance to take her out. Well over thanksgiving I was in salt lake and my buddy that is this girls brother told me I needed to get her up to Logan for the weekend, I had no complaints and told him I would try. So he gave me her number so I could make an attempt to get her up to Logan, well over the next few days we talked a little bit I talked her into coming up to Logan, the only thing was that she would need a ride up and a ride home. Of course I offered to give her a ride both ways so that I could have an opportunity to get to know her better and I was really excited. So I picked her up Saturday morning from Provo and we headed up to Logan for the football game to watch her brother play. The ride up was great, we talked the whole time and she was easy to talk to and I just nice to actually connect with someone. As we're walking up she asks if I want to come sit with her and her family, so I said yeah that would be fine. I sat with her the whole game and after we rushed the field and took some pictures with her family and we met back up at her brothers place because they invited me to go to dinner with them for her brothers birthday. So we went out to dinner and it was nice to just spend time with her and talk with her family and get to know all of them and it was just a good time. After eating we all went up to the basketball game and by this time we were all kind of tired it had been a long day, so for the first half we would stand with everyone and do everything and it was good but it was tiring so by half time we just stayed sitting down. She kept flirting with me a little bit so during the 2nd half she would put her head on my shoulder and just kinda relax and it just felt good, it was so nice and I really enjoyed being at the game with her. When the game ended we went back to her brothers to figure out what was going on that night and I could tell she was getting pretty tired, I was even feeling pretty tired, so while everyone went out we decided to stay behind and just watch a movie. I was so glad she wanted to do that because it just meant I got to spend more one on one time with her. After everyone left we put in a movie and we just cuddled for the whole movie it was great. It felt right and I realized that was something that I wanted in my life. When the movie ended we stayed and talked for a little bit but then I let her go to bed. I got home and I was on cloud 9, I felt like everything that day had just gone right. I was so happy and I hope things were going to continue going this well. Well, things didn't stay the way I had hoped. in fact I don't even know what to think right now and I'll tell ya why. Sunday I went to pick her up to drive her back down to Provo but when I walked in to get her, I just felt like something was wrong, she had this bothered/stressed look on her face and I just thought to myself, "oh no!! I hope this isn't going to be a bad drive down." Well as we got in the car I was trying to talk to her and she would answer and stuff but I could tell something was just bothering her. I asked her if she was ok and she said she was fine so I just tried to drop it. but all the way through the canyon it was a pretty quiet drive. We stopped in Brigham City to get some gas and when I got back in the car she was reading something on her phone, I'm not one to pry or snoop but it looked like a long message and when she responded to the text she spent quite a bit of time texting back whoever it was so I just knew something was wrong and I didn't know what to do. so after more time in silence I asked her again if she was ok because I felt like something was bothering her and all she said was, "I just have a lot on my mind and I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable." How do you take that? I didn't even know what to say and she just apologized for being a bad ride and I told her it was ok. and I told her if she wanted to talk I was willing to listen because it takes a lot to make me feel uncomfortable but she didn't want to talk about it so we sat in silence some more. I had pretty much talked about everything I could think of and didn't know what to say so we sat in silence some more till salt lake and as we were driving by down town she mentioned that you couldn't see the lights from the freeway. I took the next exit and we went and drove around the temple to kind of look at the lights and that seemed to make her a little bit happier. I was able to talk with her and carry a conversation a little better after that till about Lehi when she got quiet again. I was so confused about what was going on and I just didn't know what to do or say, I felt bad that something was bothering her and that there was nothing I could do about it. So the rest of the drive was pretty quiet again and her is where I get really confused. So I was dropping her off at her aunts house because that;s where her car was, but we got out of the car and I grabbed one of her bags to take to her car and I put it in. After the car ride down I felt like she wasn't really interested in me so I didn't expect anything well as I gave her a hug goodbye I went to let go but she kept holding on so I held on for a little bit longer....if she wasn't interested I don't think she would have hugged me like that. After the hug she apologized again for being a bad ride and as I let go of the hug I let my hand kind of slide down and I just placed them on her hips while I looked at her and talked to her. She went to grab them and I thought she was going to take them off and as she grabbed my hands I thought she was going to let go, but she just kind of held on to them while we kept talking and I just thought this is so weird, what am I supposed to think?!? If she doesn't like you or anything she wouldn't hug you like that and hold on to your hands like that. Then as we said our goodbyes she said, "I hope to see you again soon." but it was just the way she said it, I couldn't tell if she actually meant it or if she just said it like she was trying to be nice. And I know I'm probably over analyzing everything and I shouldn't be but it just got my mind going and I felt like there were so many mixed signals and I just didn't know what to think or say. Needless to say I had a very long drive with a lot on my mind and it really sucks. After having such a good day with her everything just got so confusing, after that first night I thought everything was going to be good, but of course things can never be easy when girls are involved. They always make things so confusing it can never be easy with them. It just reminded me why I hate dating so bad and why I never want to get involved with anyone. Now that I hung out/went out with her I'm obviously interested because I had such a good time but after the drive home it makes me have doubts about what she thinks, so now I'm obviously stuck thinking about her, but what about her? she's probably not interested which means i'm going to be left hurt thinking about what could have been. it's the worst feeling in the world that you're not good enough for someone especially after thinking you were. Anyway if any ladies read this, just keep things simple, don't send all kinds of mixed signals, just be straight up with someone and it'll make things easier for both of you. Just keep it simple, not that hard to do.

still not going how I hoped

So it's been a few months since I've written here on my blog and actually as of lately i've been writing most of my stuff down in my journal, I find that writing helps me clear my mind a little bit more than this blog does. but this still helps. Anyway a lot has gone on in the last couple months and I don't even know where to begin.....Not so much has happened with girls but other things..I guess to start, back in the summer I started running and getting back in shape and once I started doing that I decided I wanted to play soccer for Utah State. It had always been a dream of mine to play college soccer and I had kept putting it off thinking I wasn't in good enough shape or that I was just too lazy, but this time I had plenty of time to get ready. Anyway try-outs came and I was really impressed with some of the talent that was there, while I wasn't the greatest I felt like I held my own and that I was in the middle top half of the pack, well day 2 came and once again I felt pretty good about how I had done, but it wasn't good enough, I didn't even make first cuts...I was crushed, I had never been cut from a soccer team before. I kind of thought I wouldn't make the team, but I felt like I would have at least made first  cuts. Anyway it was a hard pill to swallow and i felt pretty worthless and like I had let a bunch of people down, but mostly myself... it hurts trying to make a dream come true and realizing that you're not quite good enough. But I did learn a lot and my family all talked to me about how proud they were of me for at least chasing me dreams and doing everything I could to accomplish them. So even though I didn't make the team I still have an opportunity in about a week to make my dreams come true of playing on a college team. I'll be trying out for the Utah State men's volleyball team where I think I'll have a better chance of making it, but I guess we will have to see what happens, I'm working hard to make this dream a reality and all I can do is go out and compete and give it my all and hope for the best. so I'll have to let you know how that all goes. But that was the main thing that had been going on in my life I was focusing so much on soccer and getting in shape and stuff that I didn't have a ton of time for girls or anything else. Also with school starting back up I've barely had time for myself.
    As for girls, towards the end of summer I met an awesome girl named Catherine and she was pretty shy, but we ended up becoming friends and I thought she might like me and from the way she talks to me I still think she kind of does but I don't really know what to think about the whole thing. She still lives with her mom and her dad just passed away and so her mom doesn't let her out much so I invite her to things but she hasn't been able to come once and so we haven't hung out once, but when we talk, she talks to me and asks me questions and makes me feel like she's really interested but I don't know, think because of how her mom is she's scared to hang out with me or maybe she's just really not interested in me so she keeps making up excuses, but every time I think I'm done with her and I stop talking to her, she'll start talking to me and it's just been hard because I'm so interested in getting to know but I can't find a way to spend time with her to get to know her...Anyway while all this is going on there is this other girl I know named Mee, she's cute she's great and she's actually interested in me, but here's the catch, first of all she lives in salt lake so there's already a distance issue, 2nd she's not a member of the church and isn't really interested in it so right off the bat I don't want to date someone who isn't a member because I plan on being married in the temple and if she's not interested in that then it most likely wont happen. It just sucks because I finally found someone interested in me that I can see myself dating but because of what seems like little things which are really big I just know it wont work out. I just don't know how to handle it all, I'm feeling like i'm getting really old....ok not really old but older and I still haven't had an actual girlfriend, i'm starting to think I was just meant to be single forever, maybe i'm too picky, I don't know. it's just hard trying to be so patient and wait for the right person to come around, it's frustrating to see all my friends get married and or date people and I just get kinda left hanging. I don't understand why it's taking me so long or maybe there are things wrong with me that I need to fix and I think i've said that before but I just don't know. So yeah that's basically what has been going on over the last couple months and we'll see how things go over the next few and maybe things will start to look up for me, only time will tell.

Here we go again!

So I haven't had much happening in my dating life over the last little bit so I haven't had much to blog about, but tonight I had my first date in a while so i'm going to tell you all about it. First of all the girl is someone a met a few weeks ago and have kind of hung out with a little bit here and there but I wanted to take her on a real date instead of just hanging out to see what she was like. Well I know how much she likes soccer so tonight we went down to the RSL game in salt lake. Now whenever I take a girl on a date to salt lake I get really nervous because I usually like to do just a short date first and I know that sometimes girls don't like long dates and feel like they just kind of drag on so I was a little nervous about that. Anyway I picked her up and we drove down to Salt Lake. I feel like the drive went really well, we talked, we told stories we joked a little bit, it all just seemed pretty natural and it just felt good to not have to try and force a conversation. so the drive down wasn't bad at all. Next up was the game. The game was a little cold but it was a really good game and a pretty intense one so it was a good one to go to. I think overall she enjoyed it. I did have some friends at the game tho there was like 6 of us that had decided to go and afterwards is when I decided I would ask this girl on a date. So I was a little worried about this also because yes we were on a date but we were also kind of joining a group of people and I didn't know how she would feel about that. I felt like it was good for the game because sometimes games get a little awkward when it's just the 2 of you so it was nice that she had people to talk with and so did I and that way I didn't have to keep a conversation the whole time. After the game we decided to go to dinner. We went to P.F. Changs. it was great but at the same time I think she may have felt a little awkward around everyone because she was kind of quiet, or it could have been that it was getting late and she was just tired. so this is the part of the date i'm most unsure of. Hopefully it went ok, I don't really know. And last of all was the long drive home. the drive home once again was pretty good. we talked pretty easily but I could tell she was definitely getting tired and that it had been a long day for her. So I dropped her off walked her to the door thanked her for coming and and we hugged good night. That's about it. It wasn't a short awkward hug but it wasn't a hug like hey I think I might like you. So as for right now i'm going to try and not think about it or worry about it. I feel like it's headed towards the friend zone which I would be ok with but she's a really cool girl and would love to take her out again and get to know her even better. But i'm just not going to force the issue, I guess we'll see how things go over the next couple days. The hardest part I think is just not being able to read her. so I have absolutely no idea what she's thinking or if she would even like to go out again. I wish dating was easier it's just frustrating trying to play all the mind games and how long do I wait before I text her or stuff like that. I just wish people would be open and say hey I'm interested in dating you or hey i'm not interested. It would save a lot of time, but I guess it doesn't really work that way so it's out of my hands. I just have to control what I can, and the things I can't control I just have to live with.

So grateful for my mom

With mothers day coming up I've been doing a lot of thinking and I just realized how grateful I am for my mom and how grateful I am for the things she has taught me over the years. I had an experience this last weekend that really made me realize this and really made me probably more grateful for my mom than I've ever been.
 On Sunday night me and a bunch of my friends were sitting at my apartment having a BBQ and watching the Jazz game. While we were all sitting here getting ready for the game to start there was a knock at the door. No one made a rush to get up and answer it, so I got out of my chair and went to answer it. When I opened the door I saw my neighbor. She's a single mom of 3 kids and she's probably in her 40's. Anyway she always comes over when she needs help with something and I don't really mind helping her just because that's who I am. Anyway, when I opened up the door and saw her I knew she was going to need some help with something. I was right....kind of. When I opened the door we greeted each other and she went on to tell me about how her friend was moving down from Wyoming and was going to need some help moving in the next morning at about 8. Now for anyone that doesn't know I work the graveyard shift and get off at 5 in the morning which makes 8 o'clock in the morning very very early for me. Anyway she asked if I would come help and I said of course, it wouldn't be a problem, she then asked if I could get my friends and roomates to help. I told her I would see what I could do and she said she would try and get some people as well. After she left I came back in and asked if anyone could help the next day and no one could. They all had work or just weren't feeling it, so I some how had this feeling that the next morning was going to be a very long morning.
The next morning my alarm went off and I really struggled to get myself up. When I woke up I thought, "I really don't need to go, I'm sure they'll have enough help." or I had thoughts of just going back to bed and calling later saying, "I'm so sorry, I slept right through my alarm." But every time I closed my eyes to fall back asleep I kept hearing my mom's voice in my head. There were a few things that she always told me growing up and they were, "You told them you were going to be there, you need to keep your word and go and do what you said you were going to do." "Sometimes we all have to do things in life that are hard or that we don't like or that we don't want to do." So after those thoughts ran through my head I forced myself to get up and get ready and go help this lady move. When I showed up to her house all I saw was my neighbors friend and an old lady that was her mom. I felt so bad that there was no one else and I couldn't imagine how hard things would have been if I hadn't showed up because they had lots of heavy stuff that i'm pretty sure they wouldn't have been able to get unless I was there. After we were done, Michelle (the lady that was moving in) thanked me so much for my help and was so grateful. She tried to pay me and I told her I couldn't accept the money. I had already felt bad enough for almost not showing up that I couldn't take her cash. after a few minutes of arguing she forced me to take the cash and wouldn't let me get away unless I would take it. At this point I thought ok it's probably only like 20 bucks or something I guess that isn't that much and I can take it. 20 bucks for an hour and a half of work, not too bad. When I got home, I opened up the envelope and there was a little bit more than 20 bucks in there. She had given me 60 bucks for my work. As I sat there thinking, I realized how much I needed the money. after my trip to hawaii I was a little low on money and my pay check wasn't very big because I had missed a whole week of work. After paying my tithing the funds were definitely low. I needed that money more than I had realized and I sat there and thought about how God was looking out for me and how he blesses us in ways we don't expect, and how he does bless us when we do those things that he would like. I know that he loves when we serve one another and I really didn't have to go and help this lady out, but through my service he was able to bless me. And if it weren't for my mom and the things she taught me I probably wouldn't have shown up to help out Michelle. I'm so grateful for my mom and that she taught me to love my neighbors and just be there to help people that need it. I'm love that she taught me that sometimes we have to do things that we really don't want to do and that even though we don't want to do it, it's usually for our good. I love my mom. I love her so much. She's always been such a great teacher and an even better example to me. Sometimes those little lessons she taught me have the biggest impact on my life. She's just so awesome and so great, I can't even begin to describe how grateful I am for her or how much I love her. So here's to you mom. THANK YOU for everything and I LOVE YOU more than you could ever know. I've been so blessed!

back from hawaii.....back to the same spot.

I never know how to start these off......It always makes me feel kind of dumb, oh well I guess. Well this last week I spent in Hawaii, it was great, being out in the sun getting tan, meeting all kinds of new random people I loved it. The best part was being able to see one of my best friends be sealed in the Laie, Hawaii temple with his wife what a great experience....I was so happy for him and it was just a great time. But at the same time it leaves me wondering, when are things finally going to fall into place for me. I guess maybe I'm just looking to hard and putting to much pressure on myself and just not having enough fun. I spent some time on the beach with a good friend of mine and that was something that she told me..I think she was right. I just need to loosen up and be more out going and not so serious about things. But at the same time it's just hard when things seem to be working out for everyone else and not for you. It seems like everyone else can get in and out of relationships so fast. I mean they get in one and date for a few months and things don't work out then a few weeks later they've got someone else and I just don't understand how it works.....I can't even get into 1! I guess maybe I'm doing something wrong. It's so frustrating. It was nice to be in Hawaii for the week and just to not have my mind on any of that and just to relax and enjoy my time there. But of course the second I got home everything changed. my brother and my parents wouldn't stop talking about dating, I found out a girl I really liked and kind of had a thing with is engaged, and it honestly pisses me off...not that she's engaged or not that it's not to me, but it's more about how she treated me and just completely led me on, and just like that she's engaged. How can things work out so well for people like that. They just treat people like crap and they get everything they want. Then here I am trying to do what's right, trying my hardest to live the things I was taught yet, it still doesn't work out. I guess I just don't feel like I really belong here in Logan, which leaves me completely clueless as to where I do belong, I don't belong at home, I no longer have friends there, if I moved home I would probably turn into one of those guys that lives with mom and dad forever. I don't feel like I belong in Logan but I know how important school is and I feel like I need to finish it. and so I guess i'm just more stuck then I've ever been and I have no idea what direction I need to go. I'm trying and trying to pray for answers and I just don't feel like i'm being pointed in any specific direction. My whole life I've felt like I knew where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do and where I should be and now that I don't it's a whole new experience and i'm more lost and confused and I just don't understand why all these things are happening at once. Things were so good on my vacation and as soon as I stepped in the airport things just felt so wrong, I knew I had to come back home, back to this feeling of loneliness, this feeling of i'm not quite good enough for anyone or anything. I went over to a friends house tonight and all her and her roomates could talk about were all these amazingly hot guys and how much they love them and stuff and it just really makes me feel not so great. and that's just kind of the feeling I have in logan. "Hey jake you're an awesome guy and all but these are the type of guys girls want and you're just not quite there. We love hanging out with you cuz you're fun but you're just not like these guys." that's the feeling I get I guess. I know I've probably said all this stuff a million times but I'm seriously to the point where I just don't know what to do any more. I just don't want to get out of bed because I don't feel like it's worth it. No matter how much I stand in the same place...it's a like a car that gets stuck in the mud, no matter how much you push the gas you don't move, in fact the more you push on the gas or try to get out, the more stuck you get. ugh I hate these feelings, I don't know what's happening to me, I use to be so happy and carefree I need to get back to that person. Somehow that's who I need to become.

Here's to the average Joe.

Aright, so I know in my last post I said I had some big stories and stuff and I probably did and honestly I probably just thought they were big because I was pissed off at the time. Unfortunately I don't remember exactly what I was going to say. I do know of a few things that have happened in the last little bit and I don't know if I would call them huge stories but just a few things I really need to get off my chest..... I guess first and foremost, I don't know if you really remember but a quite a few posts ago I talked about this girl I was interested in and I had taken her cookies. Well apparently she's been dating a guy from snow college or CEU or something like that...Anyway I have a friend that knows him. A while back she was talking to me on facebook and asked me if I knew the girl he was dating and how I knew her and stuff, so I told her the story. Well just joking she mentioned keeping tabs on him and letting me know of stuff he was doing so I could have a chance with this girl. Well a few months had gone by and I pretty much stopped talking to this girl and one day out of the blue my friend texts me and says, "hey so basically this guy is cheating on this girl, I heard him telling a bunch of his friends about it and she has no idea." I'm just sitting there thinking, "wow, great" like what am I suppose to do? I can't just go up to her and tell her. First of all she wont believe me and second of all if she asks him, he'll just lie about it to her and of course she'll believe him because she likes him so much. So I'm sitting here thinking great that's just my luck, she's dating a douche bag and doesn't even know it. Once again the nice guy comes in last.
     Next story: So I've been going tanning at sports academy to get a little tan for my buddies wedding in hawaii. I don't normally go tanning, but I just don't want to get made fun of for being super white either. They're already going to tease me enough for being skinny so I didn't want to be teased more than that. Anyway, at sports academy my sister-in-law works there and is kind of my "in" to go tanning. She works with a gorgeous girl named Hilary. I use to see this girl last semester everyday right before my U.S. Institutions class and use to think she was so beautiful......little did I know she thought the same about me. Anyway as I started going to the sports academy I knew I recognized her from school and I just couldn't remember how. After I had gone a few time and she found out Sierra was my sister-in-law she started telling her how she thought I was cute and would always check me out as she got out of her class and would walk by me, come to find out, she now has a boyfriend. If I would have know she was single and if I would've been a real man, I would've asked her out back when she was single....glad I'm so shy. Anyway the other day as I was leaving spots academy my sister-in-law tells her to tell me bye in a flirty voice. So as I'm walking towards the door I hear this really cute voice say, "see ya later Jake" I immediately knew it was her and thought, "should I be a hard A that just walks out or should i play the cute guy that turns around and gives her a little smile" so I decided to be the cute guy. So I turn around and give her a little smile and I probably blushed a little bit but then as I turn back around to walk out the door....oops to late, BAM!!!! I run face first right into the door.....great now I look like a freakin newb. I hear Hilary and my sister-in-law and all the girls at the front desk giggling. Now I think, "great this gorgeous girl that has a boyfriend knows I like her because of my sister-in-law and she probably thinks i'm retarded for walking into the door." Awesome I'm on a roll! I don't get embarrassed very easily but I know my face was bright red as I walked out the door and I didn't dare turn around to look at them so I just left as quickly as possible. FML I'm such a loser sometimes.
     Story #3: There's this other girl I've been wanting to get to know for a while. I know her through some friends of mine and we've all hung out a few times but she's never really talked to me. I mean we've joked around a little but we've never really had a convo. So last week I decide to man up and get her number, which I did. So I get her number and I ask her out on date and we plan to go out the next night for dinner just so I have a chance to talk to her and actually get to know her. She's says yes and everything seems to be going well, we planned to go to dinner at 730 because I had a soccer game at 530 and that would end about 630 and would give me a chance to go home and shower and such. Anyway the next day around 1 she texts me and says, "hey I have some bad news, I have a couple tests on friday I forgot about and I have a study session tonight so I can't go to dinner." and she goes on to say she would be free the next and maybe we should do it then......anyway I get out of my soccer game about 630 and I go to get in my car and I hear someone yell my name....it's this girl I had asked out. I said, "oh are you going to study?" she says. "no it got boring so I left." so i'm sitting there thinking.....ok.......So I ask if she wants a ride home and she says ok. I take her home and she asks me what I'm doing later and I tell her just relaxing and showering and all that stuff and she tells me I should come back to study.....I'm sitting her thinking you just got sick of studying now you want me to come study? So I tell her ok and that I would text her after I got done showering and stuff. Anyway I end up going to her place. As I knock on the door I hear voices so I know that people are in there but they didn't hear me knock. As I'm standing there waiting for them to open the door I hear one of the roomates of the girl I asked out say to her, "I know what you're doing!" and the girl I asked out kind of laughs and says, "what are you talking about?" and her roomate goes on to talk about how she's trying to look cute without really looking cute. The girl I asked out kind of laughs some more says whatever and at this point I realize I shouldn't be listening in on their conversation so I knock again. As I knock they immediately start laughing......Ladies I don't know what it means to look kind of cute while trying to not look cute, just doesn't make sense!! So as we're studying and talking a little bit this girls other roomate gets home. Her other roomate is another girl that I know pretty well and had thought she was pretty cute too. Anyway as we're all sitting there talking I realized my personality matches so much better with her cute roomate and her roomate was so much easier to talk to and just get a long with and there weren't many awkward moments with her. But at this point I have already asked her on a date there's no way I can now ask out her roomate out so what am I gunna do you ask? I'm just giving up on both of them, it's not worth it to try and get one to go out with me that probably doesn't really want to while at the same time I feel more comfortable around the other one so it's just a lose lose situation, so it's just better to avoid it which I'm going to do.
     I know so many girls right? Sorry if you can't keep track of all these stories or understand what's going on. Girl's I think sometimes just don't understand. Sometimes I ask a girl on date because I want to get to know her and because I think she's a fun person. But it seems as tho as soon as a guy asks a girl on date she thinks he's asking her to get married. This isn't true!! it pisses me off so bad sometimes because girls just don't give guys chances and then they wonder why guys don't ask them out. I'm sick of hearing the excuse, "sorry I have to study." If you don't wanna go out just say, but don't assume just that because I asked you out that I want to marry you. Sure I'm obviously somewhat attracted to you and that's why I asked you out, but just because i'm attracted to your looks does not mean i'll be attracted to your personality. That's the whole point behind dating is getting know people, find out things about people, find what you want and don't want in someone and to have a good time. I think too often girls are waiting for prince charming/Mr. perfect to come riding up to them and ask them out. It doesn't work like that. You've got to give people a real chance. Try to actually get to know them and see where they're coming from and your perspective on the person might change a lot. But you'll never know unless you give someone a real chance.
     I don't know, maybe I'm just sick of the whole dating scene and just seeing how people treat each other and maybe it is best just for me to be single and not worry about it. That's what I've been trying to do and trying to just be friends with everyone I meet. Obviously a relationship can't really happen without being friends first. So hopefully out all the friends I make and I'm trying to make I can come across someone willing to take a chance on me. But while I'm out being and making all these friendships with people I'm just not going to worry about dating at all or think about dating any of them, I think I really am just going to take a break from dating. It's just extra stress and drama that I don't want/need in my life. I'm going to go out and just be friendly and be happy and just be friends with everyone and not date for quite a while. So what does this mean.....it means don't tell me you have someone to hook me up with, or someone I should go out with because I'm just going to say, "thanks, but no thanks. I'm happy being single and i'm not looking to date." I'm just going to be happy and enjoy my life. Anyway I've probably rambled on enough that you get my point. So here's to being single, to being the nice guy, to being the average joe, to being me. I'm me and i'm happy with that.

more to come

Since I didn't get much of a spring break I'm going crazy and soooo much has happened the last couple weeks and this last week was one of the longest weeks of my life!!! I don't know how much more of people I can take I'm about to explode and go ape shiz on everyone! I need my vacation to come so I can get away from everything. So much has happened and I don't have time to go into details tonight, just know there's a big story coming maybe tomorrow. All I'm gunna say right now is that sometimes I really don't understand why things happen the way they do and why some people come into our lives.....or I guess I should say come back into our lives, over and over and over. It stresses me out. Gets my hopes up, then they get shattered, every time and i'm pretty much sick of that happening, I'm just mad at myself for letting it happen over and over and over again, but I can't help it because of who I am. Anyway, more details and big vent sesh to come soon.

Lost

I don't know what it was about today, but just everything has been bad! I don't even know if I can express how i'm feeling right now because I'm so frustrated. I'm so frustrated with myself and some of the things that I let happen over the last week that I should have a lot more control over. I just give in too easy, it's that nice guy in me coming out. Unfortunately for me I can't just change that. I let people in too easily.
I think a lot has to do with the fact that i'm pretty much the only one stuck in Logan this weekend. All my friends are on awesome trips or going on awesome trips and I guess I just feel kind of left out....even though I shouldn't because I'm going on an awesome trip in April. I guess it just has to do with the fact that I'm not going with all my friends and that they're all out there having this awesome time with each other and that I'm just kind of missing out on everything. I think another huge part is that I don't exactly have a set group of friends anymore and I'm just kind of a wanderer. A lot of my friends that I use to hang out with all love to party and drink and stuff and that's cool if that's what they like to do, but I'm kind of over all that and I don't like to be around it all the time. Then there's this other group of friends I hang out with but they're all girls, which isn't bad, it just makes it hard ya know, I don't know if that exactly makes sense. I guess it's like when I'm around them and they're all talking about these hot guys or something I don't really know what to say or I dunno I just feel dumb around them sometimes is what i'm trying to say. Then last of all there's another group of friends but they're all couples, so you can imagine how it is being around them since i'm not exactly dating anyone. I get a lot of crap for that and that just gets kind of old because i'm pretty sure everyone in the world gives you crap for that...at least everyone in Utah. So I think just kind of sitting around thinking about these things is kind of what put me in not really a bad mood but just not a good one. Then later today the one person I can always count on, wasn't exactly there for me. that would be my brother. I knew he was in town and I needed to talk to him about some things that had happened this week just to get his opinion on them and just to kind of vent but he pretty much blew me off so it didn't help that, that one person who is always there, wasn't there.
So after reading about all this stuff that i've just wrote I think that the real reason i've been so off today is just that feeling of lonliness. A feeling of someone wanting or needing me around I guess I just haven't felt like that in a while and it all just kind of hit today, or maybe it's because I felt that someone did want me or need me around over this last week then today they were just like ehh never mind I think I'm good and it makes that feeling feel 10 times worse than it originally would. Maybe i'm just being dumb and misreading situations and just letting my emotions get the best of me. There's a few other things that happened that just caused this train wreck of emotions from me, but I just don't have the energy to talk about it all right now so this little rant will have to be continued later on.

shout out to the new homies on the block!

Thursday night I had some very crazy unexpected things happen to me. It all starts off with me offering to help a couple friends study for a test that I had just barely taken. These 2 girls (Sierra & Stephanie) are in my intro and history of physical education class and one of them (Sierra) I know from the previous semester in my volleyball class. Anyway I met up with Sierra and Stephanie over at Sierra's place and everything started out pretty normal, you know small talk and getting into the stuff that was on the test. Little did I know, strong friendships were going to be made that night. I mean yeah they were my friends and we talked and stuff like that, but it was just cool how easily it was to get along with them and form a strong bond of friendship in such a short amount of time. I spent a little time over there with them before their roomate (Ashley) got home to join us. When she got there things lightened up a lot and it was so easy to get a long with them. we all sat and joked around for a bit before Sierra and Stephanie went to take the test. While they were gone I waited there with Ashley for them to get back to see how they did. While they were gone I got to sit there and talk to Ashley and get to know a pretty awesome person. Needless to say it was a great night and I had some fun hanging out with some new people. When I was leaving I told them I wanted to hang out again. I was being serious. Unfortunately most the time people are like, "oh yeah let's hang out again," or something like that and it never happens. Like I said though, these girls are pretty sweet. the next day they called me up asked me to save some seats at the basketball game and made a plan to hang out afterwards. I must say I was a little shocked. I didn't expect to hang out with them again for a while. Anyway the game came to an end and we went to hang out like we planned. In fact we hung out all night long and so far my impression of these girls....I just don't have enough good things to say about that. They have so much going for them. They're all funny, easy to talk to, easy to get a long with, even a little crazy, but hey who isn't? Their craziness makes me laugh and even bring out my funny side a little bit. Often times when I first hang out with people I'm very reserved and quiet and kind of shy. It wasn't even like that with these girls and I feel like it was so easy to just be myself around them. I love when I meet people like that. People who in a lot of ways are a lot like me. Anyway I just had to give a shout out to them for being so awesome and fun and helping me to get my mind off things even though you may have no idea what's going on in my life. I can't say it enough ya'll are awesome and I can't wait to hang out again....hopefully I didn't wear out my welcome ;)

This just in

So tonight I took the new girl cookies. She invited me in and we talked for 45 minutes or so before I left. She's pretty down to earth and she's just easy to talk to. I think I like her. Unfortunately I think I'm headed for the friend zone. She sounded like she maybe wanted to hang out again in the near future, guess we'll just have to play it by ear to see what happens. That's all I got for tonight.

Here's to moving up and moving on.

Well i'm up and can't sleep and I've got things running through my mind so I guess it's best to just start writing and see if I can say everything that I'm thinking about. There's just so much going on up there in my brain I don't really know what will come out tonight. I guess to start off school has started back up and this first week has been really good. I'm really looking forward to this semester and the classes I'm taking. It's stuff I'm actually interested and for the first time probably in my life, I don't mind going to class and I kind of look forward to it.
     Next up, stupid girl. that's what I'm going to refer to her as. I'm done with her. I'm no longer worrying about her or caring about because I can finally see she doesn't worry or care about me. I can see how much she has used me and I just don't need that in my life and I don't want it in my life. So she's out of the picture I could care less if I ever heard from her or saw her again. But I have to be grateful that I met her. Although at first it was hard to not have her like me or show much interest in me even though I really wanted to be with her, she has showed me exactly what I don't want in a relationship and she has taught me that I should be treated just as well as treat the girl. Things don't go just one way. I also learned from her that in a relationship there has to be communication. Every time I was around her it was me listening to her talk about her life. She never asked me questions or showed and sign of interest in my life. I want to be with someone I can talk to and have a real conversation with. I don't want to sit and hear about you you you. Don't get me wrong I love getting to know someone and learning about them but after months and we can't even have a conversation and it's just you talking, sorry that don't fly with me. So even though I don't want to admit it, I know I learned things from her and I hope I can take those things I learned and apply them into any kind of relationship.
     "the new girl," I haven't talked about her much but she's been on my mind quite a bit. So here's the situation. I went on a date with this girl right before Christmas break. She had finals the next day but was still willing to make some time for me. So this is a sign of interest right? Well this girl comes back from Christmas break and I find out she's in kind of an open relationship....I think, I'm still not completely positive about this. But I know she's kind of dating someone and she seems to really like him. The problem is, is that it's a long distance relationship. Well I didn't talk to her much over Christmas break because she didn't seem to be too interested and I was ok with that because I figured she would be busy with family and stuff anyway. Sooooo now that we're back in school and stuff I don't know if I should try and ask her out again. Because I don't know exactly what's going on with this other guy and I don't want to let her just use for free dinners and stuff if she's really not interested, but at the same time I feel like if she really got to know me then who knows maybe I would have a chance and she would be a little more interested in me seeing as how i'm close and he's well, not so close. So I'm kind of stuck in limbo land with her and I don't know whether or not I should just drop it and move on or try and give it a shot. The hard thing is, is on our date, all we did was go to dinner because she didn't have that much, but in this hour and a half at dinner, we sat and just talked and it was awkward at all and the conversation just had this flow to it and I just had a really good time. I didn't think it was that possibly to sit at dinner with a complete stranger not knowing anything about them and just love to be in their company. It just felt so normal to sit and talk with her and I didn't care about what else was going on and I really was just enjoying being in the moment which doesn't happen to often, which is why I know she's a pretty special person. From that one date she had so many more qualities than the stupid girl ever did in the whole time that I knew her and that just made me like her that much more. I guess the only thing that scares me is rejection. No one likes to be rejected and so knowing she is kind of dating someone kind of gives me the feeling that she's going to reject me, so that is the one thing that is keeping me from asking her out. But I think I might tomorrow, guess we'll just have to see how things go.
     Over the last couple weeks there have been things going on between some of my friends and not really in my family but kind of that have really made me sit down and think. It has made me think that even though many time the nice guys get overlooked by girls and that girls always want bad guys, that i'm very grateful my parents have taught me to be respectful of women. Growing up my parents never fought or argued, my dad never raised his voice at my mom and has treated her with nothing but the uttermost respect. I think when it comes to relationships and families, that's exactly how it should be. It's just something I know lots of families wish they had and I hope I can carry that on into my relationships. I never want to yell at her or fight with her. that's no fun. Of course there are always little arguments or disagreements, but it's not that can't be overcome. So I'm just really grateful for my dad and the example he has set for me on how to treat women. He didn't only teach me and tell me about what I need to do, but he showed it to me through his example and I hope he knows that he's my hero and that if I can be half the man that he is then i'll be a happy man. He's always done the right thing regardless of what the world says. I know he's not perfect and that we have our differences but he and my mom have been the best thing in my life.
     The last thing I think I want to talk about is my little brother Cam who is in Mexico serving a mission. He's just been the greatest example to me and has reminded me of so many things. He'll be home in 2 short months and I hope he takes every moment and enjoys it. I don't talk about my mission much for a few reasons, 1st, it has been by far the most sacred experience of my life, and 2, most guys use their missions to try and get girls and that's just really annoying. Don't get me wrong though, if you ask about my mission i'll tell you all about it. I could tell you about it all night and day if you want. I don't mind talking about it if people ask but i'm not going to go parading around sharing things that mean the world to me that other people really wont understand or care about. But I just want say a quick something about my mission and it's just been on my mind since I just got done writing my little brother. The mission was easily the best 2 years of my life. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about it, or wish I could be back there. I miss everything about it, the people, the food, the smells, the language, the traditions, the country, the culture. I could go on and on. It's just in that 2 years, I learned so much and I grew even more, but it's hard because no one will ever understand that things I wont through, the hardships, the joy, the feelings I had. The experiences I had. I could tell people all about it but they would never understand. I can't make you feel the feelings I felt when I got to see a family I taught and get baptized get sealed in the temple a year later with their 3 sons. I can't tell you the power of the atonement of Jesus Christ in having the opportunity to teach and baptize someone that had murdered someone and receive permission from Gordon B. Hinckley, the prophet of the church to be baptized and know that even tho this man had killed someone, he could be saved from that sin. I can't explain these feelings and I don't know that anyone can really fee what I felt in those moments because they were so powerful. I think about these people everyday. How I wish I could go back and teach them and see that joy they had, that light in their eyes and that desire to change and be better. I know that because of them, I am so much better off and i'm so grateful that I had the opportunity to be around them and learn from them because they taught me things I wouldn't ever learn except had it happened that way. I'm so grateful to them and I always will be, people always say, "oh those people are so lucky to have you and have you teach them." I don't know if they ever realize that it's the other way around, that we as missionaries the lucky ones, lucky to have them in our lives.
     One last thing I've been thinking about is that my birthday is coming up in about a week and a half and i'm starting to get old. i'll be 24. Now I know it's not really old but I am getting older. One of my goals this year is to at least date someone. I'm 24 and I've never had a girlfriend so I think I need to change a little. I would like to be married by the time I'm 26 or 27 but I plan on dating someone for at least a year or close to it before I decide to marry them, so that means if I date a girl for a year i'll be around 25 almost 26 when we get married, so time is running out. Also as I get older girls don't like guys that are that old so I really need to start trying to be a little more outgoing and a little less shy. The longer I wait, the harder it's going to be, but I also don't want to force anything or rush into it because while I want all this to happen I know that it'll happen when it's suppose to. so I need to find that medium where I'm looking but also not worrying. Where I'm trying but not trying at the same time if that makes sense. Things never work if you try to hard and always seem to happen when you're not trying. So we'll see where things go from here. hopefully up, since I think i've had the worst of it the last week or so I don't know that I can really go down anymore. So here's to goin up!

Rock bottom yet?

All I have to say tonight is.......Just when I thought I had hit rock bottom.

Starting off 2012 on a not so good note.

This holiday season was probably the worst holiday season I've ever had for so many reasons that I don't even know where to start. So let's just make a list of everything that went wrong this holiday season shall we. Let's with anytime there is a holiday my family all gets together, I usually love this but this year it was different. In my family I am right in the middle of all the cousins, I have cousins who start at 3 years older than me and continually get older, then I have cousins that range from 10 and under. Well this year back in August my brother got married which left me as basically the only single person in the family excluding the little kids. So every time my family gets together I use to be able to just hang out with my brother and there was always someone there....not this year, he now fits in with the married couples which kinda left me by myself. So even though I had family all around me, it was pretty lonely. all the married couples would hang out, and all the little kids would hang out which left me, just kinda there. Too make things worse some of the younger couples kinda joked about how I would fit in better if I would just get married. I don't get it, they've been in my shoes they know how hard and stupid dating can be, they also use to hate when people would give them crap about dating so why would they do the same thing. it's so annoying and I hate hearing about it especially from them who not too long ago were in the same position.
Next the whole weekend I was home for christmas I was stuck hanging out with my brother and his wife. My little brother is in a mission so it's not like I could just get away form them and go hang out with him. Anyway my brother and his wife are still in the huge lovey dovey stage where they're always kissing always having to be around and touch each other and it's so freaking annoying, I hate that I couldn't escape it. All weekend long my brothers wife kept saying, "Jake go get married so I have someone to talk to." I sat there thinking are you serious? you fit right in with all the married couples if anything it's me that needs someone to talk to.
Anyway Christmas morning comes and people are opening presents having a good time and I open my brothers present. In it is 2 tickets to a jazz game and my brother says, "this present comes with one condition...you have to take a date." Oh my hell! why is everyone forcing all this dating/marriage stuff down my throat. You know when someone tries to force something on you it just makes you hate it more and more? yeah well that is exactly what's happening with dating and marriage. Someone please shoot me.
So after a few days I made a post on facebook about the present my brother gave me and his comment and of course the girl that I use to really like made a comment and said take me to the game. So I text her and told her I didn't think she would be in town so I probably couldn't take her. After talking I found out she would be in town and told her maybe we would have to figure something out and maybe I would take her. I really wanted to, but I don't think I can. I feel so used by her and it makes me so mad. she doesn't talk to me for weeks at a time and then she knows by making one little comment on my facebook that i'll talk to her. I'm her "security blanket" she keeps coming back when she wants something but will never ever make an effort to do anything for me. About a month ago we talked about maybe dating when she came back and she said she would make an effort too in the relationship well about 3 weeks went by before I talked to her after that. and then that is when she made the comment about me taking her to the Jazz game. it's like she likes going places with me and wants to do fun things, but doesn't really see it going anywhere but she knows I like her and will do things for her and it's things she wants to do so she keeps leading me on thinking maybe things will work out when they never will. I remember when I first met her and we started getting close she said let's take things slow so I thought ok she's serious, nah things never went anywhere and she moved away and didn't talk to me for months and now that she's coming back she's almost acting like nothing ever happened and that things are just going to pick back up where we left off. Well I'm not going to let happen, I'm going to have to move on because I don't want to be stuck in that kind of situation just until she finds someone she really wants to be with and just leaves me, so I think i'll save myself some heartbreak and just not talk to her anymore. SO that's been on my mind a lot the last few weeks and it drives me crazy because I can't help how I feel for her but at the same time now I see what has been going on and I can't let myself be used that way. There is also a little bit more to this story but it's so much to talk about that I'm not really in the mood to type it all out. I think it would take way too long.
Last but not least I was in Wendover for New years. It was a bad night, I lost money and it was good being with friends but guess what, at that stroke of midnight I got another dose of that whole dating thing being shoved down my throat as I looked around and saw all those couples kissing and having a good time making memories together. On the 2 hour bus ride home I couldn't sleep and it gave me a lot to think about. Just how lonely my life actually is. I have my little group of friends in Logan but outside of that what do I have? friends that I never talk to anymore, friends that I never do stuff with anymore. No girls, no dating, no relationship and I just realized actually how much is missing from my life. I thought about how people get in and out of relationships all the time and how I can't even get into one. I thought about all the times I've been called the nice guy the great guy or the awesome guy. I've thought about how many people have asked how am I not dating anyone and it really just makes me wonder, what I could do different or what I need to change. I just......I don't know. Gotta figure things out I guess. but I'm glad 2011 is over and I'm not so glad 2012 has started especially with how it started i'm just not really looking forward to this year right now, wish I could just escape and start all over, that would probably be the best thing for me right now. I'm not usually this down and I guess i'm pretty good at putting on a good face for everyone around but I don't think people really understand what's going on inside. Just how lonely my life really is. It may not seem like it with all the things I do, but it really is kinda lonely at times. But I just had to get all that off my chest especially after the bus ride from last night where it was just constantly on my mind and I just needed to get it out there. Here's to hoping it works.