she's like a tall glass of lemonade

I don't even know where to start, it's been so long since i've written anything. I guess I've been so busy that I just haven't wanted to, and I think a part of me just hasn't wanted to because it's not like anyone really reads this. It's more just a way for me to get all my feeling out there and hoping that it helps. Which it does but sometimes it would just be nice to have someone that I can really count on to talk and get advice from. It's been almost a year since i've done anything on here and so much has happened and life has just been a roller coaster, full of it's ups and downs and all the twists and turns. I just never know what to expect anymore. You would think I would think that I would start learning and seeing how things work but really I keep making the same mistakes over and over and when it comes to girls...they just don't change. I fall for a girl and it's always the same thing and I just don't learn. My real problem is that I just care about people way to much, I let people in easily and I would do anything for people even if they wouldn't for me. It allows people to walk all over me and take advantage of me but most of all it just allows me to be hurt really easily. When I fall for someone I fall hard, I don't know any other way into a relationship of any kind (whether its dating or just friends) than to go all out, give it everything I have in hope that people will do the same. I think one of the problems with the world today is that when people find something good they let it go because it scares them. I think people don't want to let a good thing in because they're scared of losing it and they're scared it'll hurt when and if they do. That is really one of the things that I can think of and hope for. I hope people don't want to be with me or date me because they're scared of how well they're treated and scared of losing that. I just wish I could find someone brave enough to grab on and embrace it and let me treat them right. I don't know, maybe i'm completely blind and I just have a million things wrong with me that I can't see. But I am tired of being told that I am good enough and then having them say but I don't want to date you.....It just doesn't make sense, how could be with the person that has everything you want and not want to be with them!! Fear...That's the only thing that comes to mind. I don't know, maybe it's fear of the unknown, fear of getting hurt, or the fear of actually falling in love. Maybe we think we're too young or too old or not ready and all those things scare us. But we have to be willing to take a chance when something good comes into our life.I know I get scared a lot with certain people so I back away and then a few months later I'm kicking myself in the butt because I let a good thing slip away and I wish I hadn't. For the first time in my life i'm facing a fear of mine. I've been hanging out with a girl and the more I hang out with her the more I care about her. She told me that she wasn't exactly looking to steady date which usually means she's just not interested. With her something feels different though. She said she still wants to talk and still hang out and go out and do things with each other. Usually when I hear this i'm just like ok i'm done with this, i'm not even going to try. But for some reason I couldn't do that with her. So I put my fears aside and I told her to go out and date other people, for the first time probably ever, i'm putting my faith in things and letting her go off and do her own thing and date other guys, and I can only hope that when she does go out and date that she might see qualities in me that these other guys are missing and I can only hope that it'll make her want to spend more time with me. I don't want to rush into anything, I'm not looking to get super serious super fast, all I know is that when I spend time with her, I can't stop smiling, my heart races and everything just feels good. I don't know that I'll ever be able to tell her those things which kind of sucks to think about but all I know is that I love that feeling and I just don't want it to end too soon. She's probably getting sick of me asking her to hang out all the time ha but can you blame me when I get those type of feelings when i'm with her? It's just weird, i've never been so honest and open with anyone either...obviously I'm not a big talker and there's probably a lot I haven't said but I have been more open than I usually am with people, it makes me feel very very vulnerable and it's not really something I like doing but it just happens with her. Anyway.....I should probably get going to bed, it's late and I've done enough rambling and I've probably said a whole lot more than I should've. So until next time, hopefully it wont be another year and hopefully things will just keep getting better. You just gotta keep looking ahead with faith and hoping for the best.

She's just not that in to you.

I should be going to sleep right now, but I can't. I just have too many things on my mind and it's frustrating that it's just the same things over and over. I've been doing a little thinking tonight since I had so much free time at work and I've been thinking about this girl and what to do with her. The conclusion that I've come to is that all the signs are there that she's not interested but wants to keep me there maybe as a "back up plan." So here's what I see.... First, the only time she talks to me is if I talk to her first, she wont go out of her way to talk to me, but after I do start a conversation with her she will continue to talk to me and wont just end and she wont be short with me. If she was interested she would probably text me once in a while, but since she wants to keep me around just in case she'll carry a conversation with me. Second, she'll say little things to keep my hopes up. unfortunately this always works and makes me think i'll have a chance. The other week I did something nice for and so she text me to say thank you and during the conversation she said, "when will I see you again?" making it sound like she really did want to see me again. but does she really? I don't think she really does, I think she was just saying that because I did something nice for her and so she said that as a way of making it up to me I guess you could say. I think deep down she doesn't really care to see me, I mean think if I happened to be around she might be ok with seeing me or hanging out, but once again she's not going to go out of her way to do it, she'll just do what's convenient for her, but like I said she'll do enough to keep me around thinking she wants to see me when in reality it's not a big deal. 3rd I know things have been on the rocks with her ex boyfriend but it seems like they're going to be patching things up. Which I don't understand why girls keep going back to these stupid guys that treat them like crap. Girls now days do not know how to get over a guy and move on. It seems like every time I hear about anyone breaking up, they're back together the next week no matter how unhappy they are with each other. I've had friends who have called me to talk to me and get advice when they've broken up with their boyfriends and they'll tell me things like, "I prayed about it and I just know it's not right and we're not meant to be together." I think ok, they finally get it but then the next week they're back with the guy.....It just blows my mind how you can receive such a firm answer and you just ignore it. They go back thinking that things will be better this time around....guess what ladies if he's treated you like crap the last 4 or 5 times, he's NOT going to just change the 6th or 7th or 8th, or even 100th time. So ladies, I know guys aren't perfect either we do stupid things too that you like to complain about but I honestly feel like that is one of the biggest problems in today's world. If you leave a guy, don't be scared to move on and be with someone else. I know it hurts, but it's never going to get better if you don't put yourself out there with someone else, you're just going to dwell on the stupid guy and then that will make you miss him and then you'll want to go back to him. You're holding yourself back when you do this, girls please learn to leave them in the past and move on...I know easier said than done, but really for a guy it's very annoying and frustrating to have you not see what's happening and have you get hurt over and over by the same person. Sometimes you just need to give someone else a chance that has been around and maybe it'll open up your eyes. I don't really know what else to say about that, I think that was probably my biggest point, get over him and move on. But yes like I was saying I think she's getting back with this guy which from the things I have heard would be a huge mistake, but we're not really close enough where I can talk to her about and see what she's thinking. If I were to try and talk to her about it, it would just sound like I was trying to convince her to not be with him so that she could be with me which is the the reason I would do it. I would do it because I don't want to see her keep making that mistake but unfortunately I can't do that. So there you have it, the 3 reasons she has shown me she's really not all that in to me. It just really sucks to think about because after that first night I spent with her, I was just so happy and I was grinning from ear to ear and every time I see her, or I'm with her that's what happens to me, I just smile and I can't help but notice how happy I am when I'm spending time with her, But like I said that girls have trouble moving on, maybe I do to and I think I do need to try and put this in the past and just move on and let things be, It sucks knowing that something that makes you happy wont be around or be part of you're life so that hurts and I don't think anyone likes to take something out of their life but I think sometimes we have to take step back so that we can move forward or take some happiness out of our life so that we can receive even more happiness when it comes into our lives. I just hope I don't have to wait as long for the next girl to come around because it doesn't seem to happen very often for me. So to this amazing girl, I think I need to put you in the past, I get that you're just not interested. I wish you would have just told me so I would have had so many sleepless nights wondering what you thought or how you felt, but I think your signs are pretty clear, so I give up, I'm not going to try anymore. They say that you need to fight for the things you want, so I fought. They say girls build up walls to see if you're willing to climb them, I was willing but if you keep building while i'm climbing i'll never be able to reach the top and show you. It hurts, but I think it'll be best, Maybe once i'm out of your life, you'll realize that just maybe there was something you missed out on and you'll give me a chance, but until then I can't keep putting forth all this effort if you're not willing to put any in.

I'm falling for her

I don't know how she does it....every time I talk to her I get these little butterflies in my stomach. She makes me feel like I'm back in high school and the worst part is, is that without even trying she gets me to open up to her. I really hate this and i'm pretty much setting myself up here. I'm not the kind of person that likes to open up to people, I like to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. I guess she just has this charm about that when she asks me something I feel like I can just tell her anything. I'm going to be honest, this scares the CRAP out of me! I don't want to be this open with her and have her not be interested in. She shows glimpses of interest then other times I feel like she's not at all. I don't want someone that I barely know to know all these things about especially if it doesn't mean anything to them. I know that you can't get anywhere without putting you're heart out there but I've just never felt so vulnerable in my life, and I don't know what it is about her. No matter how much I try to talk myself out of not opening up or not feeling a certain way all it takes is a simple little conversation and she's in total control. At the same time it's never felt so good to just be completely open and honest with someone, can you see where I'm having these mixed feelings? I don't know that i've really ever felt this way about someone and I can't stop thinking about her. All I want to do is be able to see her and spend time with her. It's scary knowing she probably doesn't feel that way. I'm trying to be optimistic and patient and letting life run it's course and I hope and pray that things work out for the best, but I can't help but think about how badly I want things to work out for me for once.  Maybe it's just has to do with Valentines day as I saw all these couples together and all these guys buying flowers for their girls and maybe it just made me want it that much more that I am know over thinking things again. All I know is that this girl has tripped me and I'm falling for her, whether she knows it or not and whether or not she's falling for me, at the end of the day all I know is that she's special and she puts the biggest smile on my face. She's someone I can see myself growing close to and someone I want to continue to get to know. At the end of the day all I know is that i'm falling for her.

The real reason

I'm going to let everyone in on a little secret today... But first anyone that really knows me, knows that I really don't like celebrating my birthday. Many people ask me why and I tell them it's because I don't like all the attention on me. But also if you really know me then you probably know that lots of times I really love to be the center of attention, so how is it that I hate being the center of attention on my birthday? Well here comes the truth, I actually don't mind being the center of attention on my birthday, the thing I don't like about my birthday is not having someone to celebrate it with, and I'm not talking friends or family because they all love to go out and celebrate i'm talking someone special that I can share moments like this with, someone that I can make memories with. The truth is, is that when I go out to celebrate with all my friends or family it really just makes me feel extra lonely knowing that I don't have someone to celebrate special moments like that with. That's the real reason I don't like my birthday....right now. I'm sure one day when I have someone to celebrate with then I wont dislike my birthday so much, I really just hate going out and seeing all my friends with someone and I know they're all there for me to celebrate me, but it really does just make me feel more lonely. Of course that's not something you go around telling your friends, so for now, everyone will just continue to think that I don't like being the center of attention and only the select few of you that read this will know the truth and I hope to be able to share this secret with someone special one day and she can know how happy she makes me to have her in my life and to be able to share special moments with her. So there it is, my secret. My real reason for not liking to celebrate my birthday.....for now.

Letting go is never easy

I really really don't get it. They say things always get worse before they get better. I feel things always get worse then kind of even out then they get worse again but I don't feel like things actually get, "better." I just don't understand and it's very frustrating. I've been trying to date this girl, and it's going through the exact same motion that i've already gone through a million different times with any other girl. I took her on a date last week and just had an absolute blast! In person I have so much fun with her and it feels like she's having fun with me. But then as soon as the date ends then I don't hear from her or I try to talk to her and she's short with me and then she starts to bail on me when you ask her to do something, I just hate that I can go out with these girls and have so much fun and start to really enjoy being around them and then have them just put me on the back burner like it's no big deal, and I just don't get why would you go out with someone if you have no interest in them? Are girls really that shallow that they'll go out with someone because they want a free meal or because the date sounds fun but they really don't want to spend time with that person. I feel like it's very rude. If you're not interested in me then tell me so I can take someone else out on a date that might actually want to spend time with me. It just really sucks and I know i've said that probably about a million times but I just don't know how else to describe it. I go out on dates with these girls and I feel like it's because they want to spend time with me and get to know me and they always seem to be so fun that I start to like them. It makes me feel like for once, things are finally going my way and working out and then it's like NOOOOOOPE!! gotch ya again. I fall for it every single time. I swear every time it hurts worse too. I think it's because i'm getting older and I am to the point where i'm looking for something and just to have things not work out again, it just gets more and more painful. Just once I would like for things to go my way. I know know I always complain about this and everyone has heard it a million times and i'm not looking for sympathy or anything....I just, I dunno, it is what it is I guess. I guess I just need to have more faith that things are working out the way they're suppose to and I just need to believe that things will work out for the best even tho for the moment they don't feel like it. I just need to have a more positive attitude on life in general and realize how much I do have and that there really are so many people that love and care about me and I just need to remember that.

New Year 2013

     As I sit her thinking, I don't really know where to start. I have so many different, thoughts, feelings and emotions running through my head right now. I'm sitting here in my apartment all by myself. I sit here sobbing like a little kid. tears uncontrollably running down my cheeks. There are 4 reasons for this. 1st- I'm realizing and thinking about all that I have and how grateful I am for everything I have in my life and how truly blessed I am. 2- I'm thinking about all my new year resolutions and how badly I want to make them happen. I've never been one to make resolutions this year but I feel like this is something I need to do at this time. I'll go into more detail a little later about them. 3rd- I'm thinking about the gospel and my faith and where I was a few years ago and where I am now, and just how much growing I need to do and how much better I need to be. And 4th last but not least, sometimes a good cry is needed. I don't remember the last time I just sat and cried. It's not something I really like confessing, but sometimes if feels good just to let everything out, after always trying to be so strong and put all the good, bad and the ugly behind you and move on sometimes a cry is needed. I'm not afraid to admit I cry though. It's not something I like or want everyone to know but I really am a big softy.
     I think to start off I want to go over some of my goals and ambitions for this year and kind of mix it in with some other thoughts and feelings, I guess we'll just see where it goes from here. First of all, I want to be more open. I feel like I'm very quiet and shy and I don't open up to people easily, not even my family. But I want to try harder to just talk to people and say hi and smile and just be more friendly and outgoing with those around me.
     Next, I want to be closer with my friends and family. I feel like this is something I'm pretty good at but there's always room for improvement. I want them to know that they can count on me and trust me to always be there for them.
    3rd, I want to have or be in a relationship. I've never had one as we all know. I'm starting to get older and I think it's time for me to get going in that direction. I want to find someone so I can stop feeling so lonely. someone I can count on and that can count on me. Someone I can share special moments with, have fun and get through hard times with. it's always easier when you have someone to lean on. I think it's time.
    4th, I want to be, a better student. I've kind of put being a better student on the back burner and just kind of floated my way through school, but now that I have direction and a destination I know what I need to do, I need to buckle down and study and work hard, so that I can become someone and not just be another average person. I want to make something of myself and go places I don't want to barely survive and live paycheck to paycheck. That's no life and I want to be able to support a family. I want to graduate and get a college degree.
     5th- I need to be better in my faith. I need and want to be better about going to church, reading my scriptures and just having faith in the Lord that everything will work out for my benefit. I know the feelings I have when I do what's right and and I want to constantly be having those feelings around me. I know when I do what's right everything else will fall into place.
    I do have a few other more personal goals I want to and need to work on but I feel that they're things that shouldn't be shouldn't be shared for just anyone to read, but things that only I and maybe a girlfriend or fiance or wife should know about. life goals and things such as that. but that's about all I'm gunna say and just leave it at that.
     Those are a few of the main things i'm looking at working on for 2013. I hope that they wont be something that I just forget about and it becomes a memory, but something that I really really strive to do and hopefully i'll be blessed and that things will start to fall in place and maybe get some unexpected blessings along the way. I hope to meet lots of new friends and gain close friendships and that I can hopefully help some people along the way. "Life isn't meant to be endured, it's meant to be lived." I hope I can finally learn to live and not endure life.So here's to 2013 and to making it better than last year, here's to making me a better person and helping those around me be better also.