back from hawaii.....back to the same spot.

I never know how to start these off......It always makes me feel kind of dumb, oh well I guess. Well this last week I spent in Hawaii, it was great, being out in the sun getting tan, meeting all kinds of new random people I loved it. The best part was being able to see one of my best friends be sealed in the Laie, Hawaii temple with his wife what a great experience....I was so happy for him and it was just a great time. But at the same time it leaves me wondering, when are things finally going to fall into place for me. I guess maybe I'm just looking to hard and putting to much pressure on myself and just not having enough fun. I spent some time on the beach with a good friend of mine and that was something that she told me..I think she was right. I just need to loosen up and be more out going and not so serious about things. But at the same time it's just hard when things seem to be working out for everyone else and not for you. It seems like everyone else can get in and out of relationships so fast. I mean they get in one and date for a few months and things don't work out then a few weeks later they've got someone else and I just don't understand how it works.....I can't even get into 1! I guess maybe I'm doing something wrong. It's so frustrating. It was nice to be in Hawaii for the week and just to not have my mind on any of that and just to relax and enjoy my time there. But of course the second I got home everything changed. my brother and my parents wouldn't stop talking about dating, I found out a girl I really liked and kind of had a thing with is engaged, and it honestly pisses me off...not that she's engaged or not that it's not to me, but it's more about how she treated me and just completely led me on, and just like that she's engaged. How can things work out so well for people like that. They just treat people like crap and they get everything they want. Then here I am trying to do what's right, trying my hardest to live the things I was taught yet, it still doesn't work out. I guess I just don't feel like I really belong here in Logan, which leaves me completely clueless as to where I do belong, I don't belong at home, I no longer have friends there, if I moved home I would probably turn into one of those guys that lives with mom and dad forever. I don't feel like I belong in Logan but I know how important school is and I feel like I need to finish it. and so I guess i'm just more stuck then I've ever been and I have no idea what direction I need to go. I'm trying and trying to pray for answers and I just don't feel like i'm being pointed in any specific direction. My whole life I've felt like I knew where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do and where I should be and now that I don't it's a whole new experience and i'm more lost and confused and I just don't understand why all these things are happening at once. Things were so good on my vacation and as soon as I stepped in the airport things just felt so wrong, I knew I had to come back home, back to this feeling of loneliness, this feeling of i'm not quite good enough for anyone or anything. I went over to a friends house tonight and all her and her roomates could talk about were all these amazingly hot guys and how much they love them and stuff and it just really makes me feel not so great. and that's just kind of the feeling I have in logan. "Hey jake you're an awesome guy and all but these are the type of guys girls want and you're just not quite there. We love hanging out with you cuz you're fun but you're just not like these guys." that's the feeling I get I guess. I know I've probably said all this stuff a million times but I'm seriously to the point where I just don't know what to do any more. I just don't want to get out of bed because I don't feel like it's worth it. No matter how much I stand in the same place...it's a like a car that gets stuck in the mud, no matter how much you push the gas you don't move, in fact the more you push on the gas or try to get out, the more stuck you get. ugh I hate these feelings, I don't know what's happening to me, I use to be so happy and carefree I need to get back to that person. Somehow that's who I need to become.

Here's to the average Joe.

Aright, so I know in my last post I said I had some big stories and stuff and I probably did and honestly I probably just thought they were big because I was pissed off at the time. Unfortunately I don't remember exactly what I was going to say. I do know of a few things that have happened in the last little bit and I don't know if I would call them huge stories but just a few things I really need to get off my chest..... I guess first and foremost, I don't know if you really remember but a quite a few posts ago I talked about this girl I was interested in and I had taken her cookies. Well apparently she's been dating a guy from snow college or CEU or something like that...Anyway I have a friend that knows him. A while back she was talking to me on facebook and asked me if I knew the girl he was dating and how I knew her and stuff, so I told her the story. Well just joking she mentioned keeping tabs on him and letting me know of stuff he was doing so I could have a chance with this girl. Well a few months had gone by and I pretty much stopped talking to this girl and one day out of the blue my friend texts me and says, "hey so basically this guy is cheating on this girl, I heard him telling a bunch of his friends about it and she has no idea." I'm just sitting there thinking, "wow, great" like what am I suppose to do? I can't just go up to her and tell her. First of all she wont believe me and second of all if she asks him, he'll just lie about it to her and of course she'll believe him because she likes him so much. So I'm sitting here thinking great that's just my luck, she's dating a douche bag and doesn't even know it. Once again the nice guy comes in last.
     Next story: So I've been going tanning at sports academy to get a little tan for my buddies wedding in hawaii. I don't normally go tanning, but I just don't want to get made fun of for being super white either. They're already going to tease me enough for being skinny so I didn't want to be teased more than that. Anyway, at sports academy my sister-in-law works there and is kind of my "in" to go tanning. She works with a gorgeous girl named Hilary. I use to see this girl last semester everyday right before my U.S. Institutions class and use to think she was so beautiful......little did I know she thought the same about me. Anyway as I started going to the sports academy I knew I recognized her from school and I just couldn't remember how. After I had gone a few time and she found out Sierra was my sister-in-law she started telling her how she thought I was cute and would always check me out as she got out of her class and would walk by me, come to find out, she now has a boyfriend. If I would have know she was single and if I would've been a real man, I would've asked her out back when she was single....glad I'm so shy. Anyway the other day as I was leaving spots academy my sister-in-law tells her to tell me bye in a flirty voice. So as I'm walking towards the door I hear this really cute voice say, "see ya later Jake" I immediately knew it was her and thought, "should I be a hard A that just walks out or should i play the cute guy that turns around and gives her a little smile" so I decided to be the cute guy. So I turn around and give her a little smile and I probably blushed a little bit but then as I turn back around to walk out the door....oops to late, BAM!!!! I run face first right into the door.....great now I look like a freakin newb. I hear Hilary and my sister-in-law and all the girls at the front desk giggling. Now I think, "great this gorgeous girl that has a boyfriend knows I like her because of my sister-in-law and she probably thinks i'm retarded for walking into the door." Awesome I'm on a roll! I don't get embarrassed very easily but I know my face was bright red as I walked out the door and I didn't dare turn around to look at them so I just left as quickly as possible. FML I'm such a loser sometimes.
     Story #3: There's this other girl I've been wanting to get to know for a while. I know her through some friends of mine and we've all hung out a few times but she's never really talked to me. I mean we've joked around a little but we've never really had a convo. So last week I decide to man up and get her number, which I did. So I get her number and I ask her out on date and we plan to go out the next night for dinner just so I have a chance to talk to her and actually get to know her. She's says yes and everything seems to be going well, we planned to go to dinner at 730 because I had a soccer game at 530 and that would end about 630 and would give me a chance to go home and shower and such. Anyway the next day around 1 she texts me and says, "hey I have some bad news, I have a couple tests on friday I forgot about and I have a study session tonight so I can't go to dinner." and she goes on to say she would be free the next and maybe we should do it then......anyway I get out of my soccer game about 630 and I go to get in my car and I hear someone yell my name....it's this girl I had asked out. I said, "oh are you going to study?" she says. "no it got boring so I left." so i'm sitting there thinking.....ok.......So I ask if she wants a ride home and she says ok. I take her home and she asks me what I'm doing later and I tell her just relaxing and showering and all that stuff and she tells me I should come back to study.....I'm sitting her thinking you just got sick of studying now you want me to come study? So I tell her ok and that I would text her after I got done showering and stuff. Anyway I end up going to her place. As I knock on the door I hear voices so I know that people are in there but they didn't hear me knock. As I'm standing there waiting for them to open the door I hear one of the roomates of the girl I asked out say to her, "I know what you're doing!" and the girl I asked out kind of laughs and says, "what are you talking about?" and her roomate goes on to talk about how she's trying to look cute without really looking cute. The girl I asked out kind of laughs some more says whatever and at this point I realize I shouldn't be listening in on their conversation so I knock again. As I knock they immediately start laughing......Ladies I don't know what it means to look kind of cute while trying to not look cute, just doesn't make sense!! So as we're studying and talking a little bit this girls other roomate gets home. Her other roomate is another girl that I know pretty well and had thought she was pretty cute too. Anyway as we're all sitting there talking I realized my personality matches so much better with her cute roomate and her roomate was so much easier to talk to and just get a long with and there weren't many awkward moments with her. But at this point I have already asked her on a date there's no way I can now ask out her roomate out so what am I gunna do you ask? I'm just giving up on both of them, it's not worth it to try and get one to go out with me that probably doesn't really want to while at the same time I feel more comfortable around the other one so it's just a lose lose situation, so it's just better to avoid it which I'm going to do.
     I know so many girls right? Sorry if you can't keep track of all these stories or understand what's going on. Girl's I think sometimes just don't understand. Sometimes I ask a girl on date because I want to get to know her and because I think she's a fun person. But it seems as tho as soon as a guy asks a girl on date she thinks he's asking her to get married. This isn't true!! it pisses me off so bad sometimes because girls just don't give guys chances and then they wonder why guys don't ask them out. I'm sick of hearing the excuse, "sorry I have to study." If you don't wanna go out just say, but don't assume just that because I asked you out that I want to marry you. Sure I'm obviously somewhat attracted to you and that's why I asked you out, but just because i'm attracted to your looks does not mean i'll be attracted to your personality. That's the whole point behind dating is getting know people, find out things about people, find what you want and don't want in someone and to have a good time. I think too often girls are waiting for prince charming/Mr. perfect to come riding up to them and ask them out. It doesn't work like that. You've got to give people a real chance. Try to actually get to know them and see where they're coming from and your perspective on the person might change a lot. But you'll never know unless you give someone a real chance.
     I don't know, maybe I'm just sick of the whole dating scene and just seeing how people treat each other and maybe it is best just for me to be single and not worry about it. That's what I've been trying to do and trying to just be friends with everyone I meet. Obviously a relationship can't really happen without being friends first. So hopefully out all the friends I make and I'm trying to make I can come across someone willing to take a chance on me. But while I'm out being and making all these friendships with people I'm just not going to worry about dating at all or think about dating any of them, I think I really am just going to take a break from dating. It's just extra stress and drama that I don't want/need in my life. I'm going to go out and just be friendly and be happy and just be friends with everyone and not date for quite a while. So what does this mean.....it means don't tell me you have someone to hook me up with, or someone I should go out with because I'm just going to say, "thanks, but no thanks. I'm happy being single and i'm not looking to date." I'm just going to be happy and enjoy my life. Anyway I've probably rambled on enough that you get my point. So here's to being single, to being the nice guy, to being the average joe, to being me. I'm me and i'm happy with that.

more to come

Since I didn't get much of a spring break I'm going crazy and soooo much has happened the last couple weeks and this last week was one of the longest weeks of my life!!! I don't know how much more of people I can take I'm about to explode and go ape shiz on everyone! I need my vacation to come so I can get away from everything. So much has happened and I don't have time to go into details tonight, just know there's a big story coming maybe tomorrow. All I'm gunna say right now is that sometimes I really don't understand why things happen the way they do and why some people come into our lives.....or I guess I should say come back into our lives, over and over and over. It stresses me out. Gets my hopes up, then they get shattered, every time and i'm pretty much sick of that happening, I'm just mad at myself for letting it happen over and over and over again, but I can't help it because of who I am. Anyway, more details and big vent sesh to come soon.