Mixed emotions

These last couple weeks have been kind of interesting. For anyone that doesn't know yet, my brother is getting married here in a couple weeks. As you can imagine there is lots of wedding talk, I see them together all the time kissing and being with each other, sharing things and seeing them begin their lives together. This makes me so happy yet so sad. It makes my emotions go out of control because I don't know what to think. It stresses me out....A lot. Probably more than it should. Here's the problem, I'm so happy for my brother, I love seeing him so happy, probably the happiest he's ever been in his life. I'm so glad he found someone that loves him just as much as he loves her. I love that. I always thought my brother kinda struggled with girls and didn't really know how to act around them that's what makes this so much better is that I don't have to see him suffer with girls anymore. It's just the greatest thing ever, now here's the bad part. My whole life I've had family and friends tell me that they expected me to be married before my brother because I was always such a ladies man. Or now that my brother is getting married all I hear is well jake now it's your turn, or when are you getting married or other things like that. To be honest this drives me nuts. I'm not looking to get married anytime soon. If it happens and I find the right person, well then it happens but i'm not out looking for marriage. However yes I do also wish I could find someone to date. Just someone to spend time with and get to know. Someone to share awesome times with and also share the really hard times with. I don't think anyone likes being alone. Tonight I threw a bachelor party for my brother and it turned out really good. But out of all the guys that were there only me and 1 or 2 others were the only ones not married so as you can imagine we got lots of heat from everyone else telling us to get on the ball. I would think them of all people would understand, then again things seemed to fall into place so easily for them with their wives that maybe they really don't. It's not like I'm not doing my part because I am. I'm putting myself out there like never before, I've been trying to take girls out on dates I've tried to get to know lots of different people, I just seem to have the worst luck in the world. Every time I find a girl that I think I could date, a girl that I start to fall for there's always something that gets in the way that I can't control, whether it be that she can't get over an ex boyfriend, or she doesn't know what she wants, or is just scared of getting into something because of all the times she's been hurt. I always seem to find these girls and I still don't understand why. I start getting to know them and it's all stuff I've heard before yet I think oh maybe she's different, but it never fails, girls just never change. Which really sucks by the way. When it comes to girls I'm very picky so if I fall for her there's usually something pretty special about her. My problem is, is that when I fall, I fall hard. I'm too nice! If I meet someone I can see myself dating or wanting to get to know better I am willing to put everything aside to get to know that person. I'm willing to do anything. But too many people now days have to play the game. well I'm going to wait for him to text me first or I have to be nice then mean to attract them because people always want what they can't have. and it's just all these mind games going on and it's so stupid. I don't understand what's so wrong with liking someone and taking a chance on them. Maybe you've been hurt before maybe you can't stop thinking about your ex but you never know what someone has to offer you until you take a chance on them, it could be the best thing to ever happen to you. Yes i'm guilty of this too sometimes I'm not perfect but i'm working on it. I just think that too many times people are stuck either in the past or thinking about the future too much (I fall into this category) and not often enough to do we just live and love the moment we're in. I really just hate how complicated dating is, it really shouldn't be this hard but we tend to make it as hard as possible. I love my brother and i'm so grateful he found someone to love and that things worked out for him. But I hate waiting around being reminded everyday by others about how I'm still single and probably will be for a while. Sometimes I can't help but think about how great of a day it will be when I finally have that special girl that I can love and take care of for the rest of my life. I can't help but wonder who she is, what she looks like and wonder if she's thinking the same thing about me. I look forward to the day that I meet her and the day we both know we have something special. even tho for now all I want is to date and just have someone around to be with and share experiences with. But for now I just have to be patient and know that the Lord has a plan for me and I just have to have faith it'll all work out in the end. I know once again this was probably just a bunch of rambling, but get use to it because that's probably how everything will be :)

Trying something new

Thanks to one of my good friends Annie Walker I decided it was time I get a blog. I know this isn't something that guys usually do but after thinking about it, I realize this could be a very good thing for me for a couple reasons. First, I'm not very good at expressing myself and I don't really like others knowing how I truly feel, i'm pretty good at putting on a happy face when i'm around people because I don't like to bring them into my problems and add on to theirs, so I figured this would be a good way for me to express myself, to say all the things I really want to say and not have to worry about lots of people knowing how I really feel. Second, this also kind of goes along with the first and that is that I keep things bottled up a lot and I hear that's not very good so i'm using this as a way to get things off my chest to see if it helps bring my stress level down. Third, I don't keep a journal or anything and I figure this is a good way that I can go back and see things that have happened to me and learn from the things I write about. I have a feeling a lot of the things I say are going to have to do with a lot of struggles in my life because that is usually when I feel the biggest need to express myself. However I will try and update about both the good times and the bad. 

               So here I am trying out something new, this is something I have never ever been good at. I don't do well with change and I like things to stay the same......for the most part. But I also believe in being outgoing and trying new things. Especially as of lately since my life has just been a rollercoaster i'll do anything to help me relax. It's funny how things work out, I think back to my high school days and when I would get stressed or upset I would go kick it with some of my very best friends I think most of them know who they are but I still want to recognize them for the huge role they've played in my life. Tyson Matagi, Cole and Brandt Peterson and David Opoulos. Through high school and our first year of college we all had problems and we all got upset and we all relied on each other to be there for one another. Whenever one of us would get upset or something like that, we would go on late night walks. This probably sounds stupid to lots of people but if you've never been on a late night walk you should try it, especially if you're with your best friends. Late at night everything seems to be so peaceful and calm and it really helped us to calm down and just open up to each other. I didn't matter where we walked to but we would just walk and talk and share everything. There were plenty of laughs, plenty of serious moments and even plenty of tears to go with it. I think about this and it's hard because this was such a good way to help me calm down and to not worry about things and just take life as it comes, but as I've grown up things have changed. As I've moved away to college I don't have my best friends here, yes I have plenty of great friends here and people I can talk to and go on walks with, but it's just not the same. These people know a lot about me but not everything like my friends. it's hard for me to open up to anyone that isn't one of those guys I mentioned above. I still go on late night walks, but it is very different when you're doing it by yourself. no one to talk to or tell your inner most feelings to. It's very lonely and sometimes I really wonder why I'm here. I don't regret coming here at all and I love Logan and I know it's part of growing up learning how to handle all the stresses of life, I guess I just didn't expect it to be this hard. But that is why i'm trying something new, a new way to look at life, a new way of expressing myself and a new way of learning. If thats one thing that i've learned it's that change is inevitable, and it's all really how we learn to adapt and deal wit that change. I once heard a saying that says, "Life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you react to it" -Charles Swindoll. It's so true we have a choice everyday how to react to the things going on, if we choose to embrace them and to grow and learn we will be so much better off than thinking, "why me?" We just need to embrace what we're given and keep moving on in this world. Now to be honest I don't know if anything I just said through this whole rambling session made sense to anyone, but it made sense to me and thats the most important thing so that I'm able to look back and remember these exact feelings and how I felt in this exact moment. I know it probably sounds like me whining cuz I miss my friends back home and the moment we shared with each other but I hope thats not the only thing you notice but that you notice the little things like trying something new, and not being scared to do it. I am thankful for my friends up here and for them opening my eyes to a new way of expressing myself and hopefully it helps, we'll give it a shot. Last of all I'm so grateful for every single one of my trials I go through so that I can learn and grow. That doesn't mean that I always like what comes my way, but in the end i'm always grateful for the things I've learned and the person it's shaped me into. I'm grateful for God and the gospel of Jesus Christ and the role it plays in my life and for the knowledge I have the true HAPPINESS comes from living it. Thanks to the atonement of Jesus Christ when times seem so hard that we can't go on, it's nice knowing that he's been there and that we can always rely on him and that with him there is always hope.