Tuesday, January 17, 2012
This just in
So tonight I took the new girl cookies. She invited me in and we talked for 45 minutes or so before I left. She's pretty down to earth and she's just easy to talk to. I think I like her. Unfortunately I think I'm headed for the friend zone. She sounded like she maybe wanted to hang out again in the near future, guess we'll just have to play it by ear to see what happens. That's all I got for tonight.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Here's to moving up and moving on.
Well i'm up and can't sleep and I've got things running through my mind so I guess it's best to just start writing and see if I can say everything that I'm thinking about. There's just so much going on up there in my brain I don't really know what will come out tonight. I guess to start off school has started back up and this first week has been really good. I'm really looking forward to this semester and the classes I'm taking. It's stuff I'm actually interested and for the first time probably in my life, I don't mind going to class and I kind of look forward to it.
Next up, stupid girl. that's what I'm going to refer to her as. I'm done with her. I'm no longer worrying about her or caring about because I can finally see she doesn't worry or care about me. I can see how much she has used me and I just don't need that in my life and I don't want it in my life. So she's out of the picture I could care less if I ever heard from her or saw her again. But I have to be grateful that I met her. Although at first it was hard to not have her like me or show much interest in me even though I really wanted to be with her, she has showed me exactly what I don't want in a relationship and she has taught me that I should be treated just as well as treat the girl. Things don't go just one way. I also learned from her that in a relationship there has to be communication. Every time I was around her it was me listening to her talk about her life. She never asked me questions or showed and sign of interest in my life. I want to be with someone I can talk to and have a real conversation with. I don't want to sit and hear about you you you. Don't get me wrong I love getting to know someone and learning about them but after months and we can't even have a conversation and it's just you talking, sorry that don't fly with me. So even though I don't want to admit it, I know I learned things from her and I hope I can take those things I learned and apply them into any kind of relationship.
"the new girl," I haven't talked about her much but she's been on my mind quite a bit. So here's the situation. I went on a date with this girl right before Christmas break. She had finals the next day but was still willing to make some time for me. So this is a sign of interest right? Well this girl comes back from Christmas break and I find out she's in kind of an open relationship....I think, I'm still not completely positive about this. But I know she's kind of dating someone and she seems to really like him. The problem is, is that it's a long distance relationship. Well I didn't talk to her much over Christmas break because she didn't seem to be too interested and I was ok with that because I figured she would be busy with family and stuff anyway. Sooooo now that we're back in school and stuff I don't know if I should try and ask her out again. Because I don't know exactly what's going on with this other guy and I don't want to let her just use for free dinners and stuff if she's really not interested, but at the same time I feel like if she really got to know me then who knows maybe I would have a chance and she would be a little more interested in me seeing as how i'm close and he's well, not so close. So I'm kind of stuck in limbo land with her and I don't know whether or not I should just drop it and move on or try and give it a shot. The hard thing is, is on our date, all we did was go to dinner because she didn't have that much, but in this hour and a half at dinner, we sat and just talked and it was awkward at all and the conversation just had this flow to it and I just had a really good time. I didn't think it was that possibly to sit at dinner with a complete stranger not knowing anything about them and just love to be in their company. It just felt so normal to sit and talk with her and I didn't care about what else was going on and I really was just enjoying being in the moment which doesn't happen to often, which is why I know she's a pretty special person. From that one date she had so many more qualities than the stupid girl ever did in the whole time that I knew her and that just made me like her that much more. I guess the only thing that scares me is rejection. No one likes to be rejected and so knowing she is kind of dating someone kind of gives me the feeling that she's going to reject me, so that is the one thing that is keeping me from asking her out. But I think I might tomorrow, guess we'll just have to see how things go.
Over the last couple weeks there have been things going on between some of my friends and not really in my family but kind of that have really made me sit down and think. It has made me think that even though many time the nice guys get overlooked by girls and that girls always want bad guys, that i'm very grateful my parents have taught me to be respectful of women. Growing up my parents never fought or argued, my dad never raised his voice at my mom and has treated her with nothing but the uttermost respect. I think when it comes to relationships and families, that's exactly how it should be. It's just something I know lots of families wish they had and I hope I can carry that on into my relationships. I never want to yell at her or fight with her. that's no fun. Of course there are always little arguments or disagreements, but it's not that can't be overcome. So I'm just really grateful for my dad and the example he has set for me on how to treat women. He didn't only teach me and tell me about what I need to do, but he showed it to me through his example and I hope he knows that he's my hero and that if I can be half the man that he is then i'll be a happy man. He's always done the right thing regardless of what the world says. I know he's not perfect and that we have our differences but he and my mom have been the best thing in my life.
The last thing I think I want to talk about is my little brother Cam who is in Mexico serving a mission. He's just been the greatest example to me and has reminded me of so many things. He'll be home in 2 short months and I hope he takes every moment and enjoys it. I don't talk about my mission much for a few reasons, 1st, it has been by far the most sacred experience of my life, and 2, most guys use their missions to try and get girls and that's just really annoying. Don't get me wrong though, if you ask about my mission i'll tell you all about it. I could tell you about it all night and day if you want. I don't mind talking about it if people ask but i'm not going to go parading around sharing things that mean the world to me that other people really wont understand or care about. But I just want say a quick something about my mission and it's just been on my mind since I just got done writing my little brother. The mission was easily the best 2 years of my life. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about it, or wish I could be back there. I miss everything about it, the people, the food, the smells, the language, the traditions, the country, the culture. I could go on and on. It's just in that 2 years, I learned so much and I grew even more, but it's hard because no one will ever understand that things I wont through, the hardships, the joy, the feelings I had. The experiences I had. I could tell people all about it but they would never understand. I can't make you feel the feelings I felt when I got to see a family I taught and get baptized get sealed in the temple a year later with their 3 sons. I can't tell you the power of the atonement of Jesus Christ in having the opportunity to teach and baptize someone that had murdered someone and receive permission from Gordon B. Hinckley, the prophet of the church to be baptized and know that even tho this man had killed someone, he could be saved from that sin. I can't explain these feelings and I don't know that anyone can really fee what I felt in those moments because they were so powerful. I think about these people everyday. How I wish I could go back and teach them and see that joy they had, that light in their eyes and that desire to change and be better. I know that because of them, I am so much better off and i'm so grateful that I had the opportunity to be around them and learn from them because they taught me things I wouldn't ever learn except had it happened that way. I'm so grateful to them and I always will be, people always say, "oh those people are so lucky to have you and have you teach them." I don't know if they ever realize that it's the other way around, that we as missionaries the lucky ones, lucky to have them in our lives.
One last thing I've been thinking about is that my birthday is coming up in about a week and a half and i'm starting to get old. i'll be 24. Now I know it's not really old but I am getting older. One of my goals this year is to at least date someone. I'm 24 and I've never had a girlfriend so I think I need to change a little. I would like to be married by the time I'm 26 or 27 but I plan on dating someone for at least a year or close to it before I decide to marry them, so that means if I date a girl for a year i'll be around 25 almost 26 when we get married, so time is running out. Also as I get older girls don't like guys that are that old so I really need to start trying to be a little more outgoing and a little less shy. The longer I wait, the harder it's going to be, but I also don't want to force anything or rush into it because while I want all this to happen I know that it'll happen when it's suppose to. so I need to find that medium where I'm looking but also not worrying. Where I'm trying but not trying at the same time if that makes sense. Things never work if you try to hard and always seem to happen when you're not trying. So we'll see where things go from here. hopefully up, since I think i've had the worst of it the last week or so I don't know that I can really go down anymore. So here's to goin up!
Next up, stupid girl. that's what I'm going to refer to her as. I'm done with her. I'm no longer worrying about her or caring about because I can finally see she doesn't worry or care about me. I can see how much she has used me and I just don't need that in my life and I don't want it in my life. So she's out of the picture I could care less if I ever heard from her or saw her again. But I have to be grateful that I met her. Although at first it was hard to not have her like me or show much interest in me even though I really wanted to be with her, she has showed me exactly what I don't want in a relationship and she has taught me that I should be treated just as well as treat the girl. Things don't go just one way. I also learned from her that in a relationship there has to be communication. Every time I was around her it was me listening to her talk about her life. She never asked me questions or showed and sign of interest in my life. I want to be with someone I can talk to and have a real conversation with. I don't want to sit and hear about you you you. Don't get me wrong I love getting to know someone and learning about them but after months and we can't even have a conversation and it's just you talking, sorry that don't fly with me. So even though I don't want to admit it, I know I learned things from her and I hope I can take those things I learned and apply them into any kind of relationship.
"the new girl," I haven't talked about her much but she's been on my mind quite a bit. So here's the situation. I went on a date with this girl right before Christmas break. She had finals the next day but was still willing to make some time for me. So this is a sign of interest right? Well this girl comes back from Christmas break and I find out she's in kind of an open relationship....I think, I'm still not completely positive about this. But I know she's kind of dating someone and she seems to really like him. The problem is, is that it's a long distance relationship. Well I didn't talk to her much over Christmas break because she didn't seem to be too interested and I was ok with that because I figured she would be busy with family and stuff anyway. Sooooo now that we're back in school and stuff I don't know if I should try and ask her out again. Because I don't know exactly what's going on with this other guy and I don't want to let her just use for free dinners and stuff if she's really not interested, but at the same time I feel like if she really got to know me then who knows maybe I would have a chance and she would be a little more interested in me seeing as how i'm close and he's well, not so close. So I'm kind of stuck in limbo land with her and I don't know whether or not I should just drop it and move on or try and give it a shot. The hard thing is, is on our date, all we did was go to dinner because she didn't have that much, but in this hour and a half at dinner, we sat and just talked and it was awkward at all and the conversation just had this flow to it and I just had a really good time. I didn't think it was that possibly to sit at dinner with a complete stranger not knowing anything about them and just love to be in their company. It just felt so normal to sit and talk with her and I didn't care about what else was going on and I really was just enjoying being in the moment which doesn't happen to often, which is why I know she's a pretty special person. From that one date she had so many more qualities than the stupid girl ever did in the whole time that I knew her and that just made me like her that much more. I guess the only thing that scares me is rejection. No one likes to be rejected and so knowing she is kind of dating someone kind of gives me the feeling that she's going to reject me, so that is the one thing that is keeping me from asking her out. But I think I might tomorrow, guess we'll just have to see how things go.
Over the last couple weeks there have been things going on between some of my friends and not really in my family but kind of that have really made me sit down and think. It has made me think that even though many time the nice guys get overlooked by girls and that girls always want bad guys, that i'm very grateful my parents have taught me to be respectful of women. Growing up my parents never fought or argued, my dad never raised his voice at my mom and has treated her with nothing but the uttermost respect. I think when it comes to relationships and families, that's exactly how it should be. It's just something I know lots of families wish they had and I hope I can carry that on into my relationships. I never want to yell at her or fight with her. that's no fun. Of course there are always little arguments or disagreements, but it's not that can't be overcome. So I'm just really grateful for my dad and the example he has set for me on how to treat women. He didn't only teach me and tell me about what I need to do, but he showed it to me through his example and I hope he knows that he's my hero and that if I can be half the man that he is then i'll be a happy man. He's always done the right thing regardless of what the world says. I know he's not perfect and that we have our differences but he and my mom have been the best thing in my life.
The last thing I think I want to talk about is my little brother Cam who is in Mexico serving a mission. He's just been the greatest example to me and has reminded me of so many things. He'll be home in 2 short months and I hope he takes every moment and enjoys it. I don't talk about my mission much for a few reasons, 1st, it has been by far the most sacred experience of my life, and 2, most guys use their missions to try and get girls and that's just really annoying. Don't get me wrong though, if you ask about my mission i'll tell you all about it. I could tell you about it all night and day if you want. I don't mind talking about it if people ask but i'm not going to go parading around sharing things that mean the world to me that other people really wont understand or care about. But I just want say a quick something about my mission and it's just been on my mind since I just got done writing my little brother. The mission was easily the best 2 years of my life. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about it, or wish I could be back there. I miss everything about it, the people, the food, the smells, the language, the traditions, the country, the culture. I could go on and on. It's just in that 2 years, I learned so much and I grew even more, but it's hard because no one will ever understand that things I wont through, the hardships, the joy, the feelings I had. The experiences I had. I could tell people all about it but they would never understand. I can't make you feel the feelings I felt when I got to see a family I taught and get baptized get sealed in the temple a year later with their 3 sons. I can't tell you the power of the atonement of Jesus Christ in having the opportunity to teach and baptize someone that had murdered someone and receive permission from Gordon B. Hinckley, the prophet of the church to be baptized and know that even tho this man had killed someone, he could be saved from that sin. I can't explain these feelings and I don't know that anyone can really fee what I felt in those moments because they were so powerful. I think about these people everyday. How I wish I could go back and teach them and see that joy they had, that light in their eyes and that desire to change and be better. I know that because of them, I am so much better off and i'm so grateful that I had the opportunity to be around them and learn from them because they taught me things I wouldn't ever learn except had it happened that way. I'm so grateful to them and I always will be, people always say, "oh those people are so lucky to have you and have you teach them." I don't know if they ever realize that it's the other way around, that we as missionaries the lucky ones, lucky to have them in our lives.
One last thing I've been thinking about is that my birthday is coming up in about a week and a half and i'm starting to get old. i'll be 24. Now I know it's not really old but I am getting older. One of my goals this year is to at least date someone. I'm 24 and I've never had a girlfriend so I think I need to change a little. I would like to be married by the time I'm 26 or 27 but I plan on dating someone for at least a year or close to it before I decide to marry them, so that means if I date a girl for a year i'll be around 25 almost 26 when we get married, so time is running out. Also as I get older girls don't like guys that are that old so I really need to start trying to be a little more outgoing and a little less shy. The longer I wait, the harder it's going to be, but I also don't want to force anything or rush into it because while I want all this to happen I know that it'll happen when it's suppose to. so I need to find that medium where I'm looking but also not worrying. Where I'm trying but not trying at the same time if that makes sense. Things never work if you try to hard and always seem to happen when you're not trying. So we'll see where things go from here. hopefully up, since I think i've had the worst of it the last week or so I don't know that I can really go down anymore. So here's to goin up!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Starting off 2012 on a not so good note.
This holiday season was probably the worst holiday season I've ever had for so many reasons that I don't even know where to start. So let's just make a list of everything that went wrong this holiday season shall we. Let's with anytime there is a holiday my family all gets together, I usually love this but this year it was different. In my family I am right in the middle of all the cousins, I have cousins who start at 3 years older than me and continually get older, then I have cousins that range from 10 and under. Well this year back in August my brother got married which left me as basically the only single person in the family excluding the little kids. So every time my family gets together I use to be able to just hang out with my brother and there was always someone there....not this year, he now fits in with the married couples which kinda left me by myself. So even though I had family all around me, it was pretty lonely. all the married couples would hang out, and all the little kids would hang out which left me, just kinda there. Too make things worse some of the younger couples kinda joked about how I would fit in better if I would just get married. I don't get it, they've been in my shoes they know how hard and stupid dating can be, they also use to hate when people would give them crap about dating so why would they do the same thing. it's so annoying and I hate hearing about it especially from them who not too long ago were in the same position.
Next the whole weekend I was home for christmas I was stuck hanging out with my brother and his wife. My little brother is in a mission so it's not like I could just get away form them and go hang out with him. Anyway my brother and his wife are still in the huge lovey dovey stage where they're always kissing always having to be around and touch each other and it's so freaking annoying, I hate that I couldn't escape it. All weekend long my brothers wife kept saying, "Jake go get married so I have someone to talk to." I sat there thinking are you serious? you fit right in with all the married couples if anything it's me that needs someone to talk to.
Anyway Christmas morning comes and people are opening presents having a good time and I open my brothers present. In it is 2 tickets to a jazz game and my brother says, "this present comes with one condition...you have to take a date." Oh my hell! why is everyone forcing all this dating/marriage stuff down my throat. You know when someone tries to force something on you it just makes you hate it more and more? yeah well that is exactly what's happening with dating and marriage. Someone please shoot me.
So after a few days I made a post on facebook about the present my brother gave me and his comment and of course the girl that I use to really like made a comment and said take me to the game. So I text her and told her I didn't think she would be in town so I probably couldn't take her. After talking I found out she would be in town and told her maybe we would have to figure something out and maybe I would take her. I really wanted to, but I don't think I can. I feel so used by her and it makes me so mad. she doesn't talk to me for weeks at a time and then she knows by making one little comment on my facebook that i'll talk to her. I'm her "security blanket" she keeps coming back when she wants something but will never ever make an effort to do anything for me. About a month ago we talked about maybe dating when she came back and she said she would make an effort too in the relationship well about 3 weeks went by before I talked to her after that. and then that is when she made the comment about me taking her to the Jazz game. it's like she likes going places with me and wants to do fun things, but doesn't really see it going anywhere but she knows I like her and will do things for her and it's things she wants to do so she keeps leading me on thinking maybe things will work out when they never will. I remember when I first met her and we started getting close she said let's take things slow so I thought ok she's serious, nah things never went anywhere and she moved away and didn't talk to me for months and now that she's coming back she's almost acting like nothing ever happened and that things are just going to pick back up where we left off. Well I'm not going to let happen, I'm going to have to move on because I don't want to be stuck in that kind of situation just until she finds someone she really wants to be with and just leaves me, so I think i'll save myself some heartbreak and just not talk to her anymore. SO that's been on my mind a lot the last few weeks and it drives me crazy because I can't help how I feel for her but at the same time now I see what has been going on and I can't let myself be used that way. There is also a little bit more to this story but it's so much to talk about that I'm not really in the mood to type it all out. I think it would take way too long.
Last but not least I was in Wendover for New years. It was a bad night, I lost money and it was good being with friends but guess what, at that stroke of midnight I got another dose of that whole dating thing being shoved down my throat as I looked around and saw all those couples kissing and having a good time making memories together. On the 2 hour bus ride home I couldn't sleep and it gave me a lot to think about. Just how lonely my life actually is. I have my little group of friends in Logan but outside of that what do I have? friends that I never talk to anymore, friends that I never do stuff with anymore. No girls, no dating, no relationship and I just realized actually how much is missing from my life. I thought about how people get in and out of relationships all the time and how I can't even get into one. I thought about all the times I've been called the nice guy the great guy or the awesome guy. I've thought about how many people have asked how am I not dating anyone and it really just makes me wonder, what I could do different or what I need to change. I just......I don't know. Gotta figure things out I guess. but I'm glad 2011 is over and I'm not so glad 2012 has started especially with how it started i'm just not really looking forward to this year right now, wish I could just escape and start all over, that would probably be the best thing for me right now. I'm not usually this down and I guess i'm pretty good at putting on a good face for everyone around but I don't think people really understand what's going on inside. Just how lonely my life really is. It may not seem like it with all the things I do, but it really is kinda lonely at times. But I just had to get all that off my chest especially after the bus ride from last night where it was just constantly on my mind and I just needed to get it out there. Here's to hoping it works.
Next the whole weekend I was home for christmas I was stuck hanging out with my brother and his wife. My little brother is in a mission so it's not like I could just get away form them and go hang out with him. Anyway my brother and his wife are still in the huge lovey dovey stage where they're always kissing always having to be around and touch each other and it's so freaking annoying, I hate that I couldn't escape it. All weekend long my brothers wife kept saying, "Jake go get married so I have someone to talk to." I sat there thinking are you serious? you fit right in with all the married couples if anything it's me that needs someone to talk to.
Anyway Christmas morning comes and people are opening presents having a good time and I open my brothers present. In it is 2 tickets to a jazz game and my brother says, "this present comes with one condition...you have to take a date." Oh my hell! why is everyone forcing all this dating/marriage stuff down my throat. You know when someone tries to force something on you it just makes you hate it more and more? yeah well that is exactly what's happening with dating and marriage. Someone please shoot me.
So after a few days I made a post on facebook about the present my brother gave me and his comment and of course the girl that I use to really like made a comment and said take me to the game. So I text her and told her I didn't think she would be in town so I probably couldn't take her. After talking I found out she would be in town and told her maybe we would have to figure something out and maybe I would take her. I really wanted to, but I don't think I can. I feel so used by her and it makes me so mad. she doesn't talk to me for weeks at a time and then she knows by making one little comment on my facebook that i'll talk to her. I'm her "security blanket" she keeps coming back when she wants something but will never ever make an effort to do anything for me. About a month ago we talked about maybe dating when she came back and she said she would make an effort too in the relationship well about 3 weeks went by before I talked to her after that. and then that is when she made the comment about me taking her to the Jazz game. it's like she likes going places with me and wants to do fun things, but doesn't really see it going anywhere but she knows I like her and will do things for her and it's things she wants to do so she keeps leading me on thinking maybe things will work out when they never will. I remember when I first met her and we started getting close she said let's take things slow so I thought ok she's serious, nah things never went anywhere and she moved away and didn't talk to me for months and now that she's coming back she's almost acting like nothing ever happened and that things are just going to pick back up where we left off. Well I'm not going to let happen, I'm going to have to move on because I don't want to be stuck in that kind of situation just until she finds someone she really wants to be with and just leaves me, so I think i'll save myself some heartbreak and just not talk to her anymore. SO that's been on my mind a lot the last few weeks and it drives me crazy because I can't help how I feel for her but at the same time now I see what has been going on and I can't let myself be used that way. There is also a little bit more to this story but it's so much to talk about that I'm not really in the mood to type it all out. I think it would take way too long.
Last but not least I was in Wendover for New years. It was a bad night, I lost money and it was good being with friends but guess what, at that stroke of midnight I got another dose of that whole dating thing being shoved down my throat as I looked around and saw all those couples kissing and having a good time making memories together. On the 2 hour bus ride home I couldn't sleep and it gave me a lot to think about. Just how lonely my life actually is. I have my little group of friends in Logan but outside of that what do I have? friends that I never talk to anymore, friends that I never do stuff with anymore. No girls, no dating, no relationship and I just realized actually how much is missing from my life. I thought about how people get in and out of relationships all the time and how I can't even get into one. I thought about all the times I've been called the nice guy the great guy or the awesome guy. I've thought about how many people have asked how am I not dating anyone and it really just makes me wonder, what I could do different or what I need to change. I just......I don't know. Gotta figure things out I guess. but I'm glad 2011 is over and I'm not so glad 2012 has started especially with how it started i'm just not really looking forward to this year right now, wish I could just escape and start all over, that would probably be the best thing for me right now. I'm not usually this down and I guess i'm pretty good at putting on a good face for everyone around but I don't think people really understand what's going on inside. Just how lonely my life really is. It may not seem like it with all the things I do, but it really is kinda lonely at times. But I just had to get all that off my chest especially after the bus ride from last night where it was just constantly on my mind and I just needed to get it out there. Here's to hoping it works.
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